A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey aunties and uncles... i am in a real tricky situation and just cant seem to make my own judgement or decision on what to do... I have recently been seeing a guy for the last 7 months and am planning to get married in November... we have known each other for about 10 years and tried dating before but it didnt work as I had moved to America... when we got back in touch it seemed like fate and that we were destined to meet. When we first got together i explained to him that i was a virgin and wanted to save myself for the right man.. he assured me he was too... i thought he was the one and we lost it "together."as they say truth always prevails... I spoke to my best friend and it turned out that she dated him when they were younger..i spoke to my friend about his past and she explained that they had slept together... i completely broke and lost all trust in his words.. i spoke to him face to face and he denied the truth ( i didnt tell him i knew a girl he dated)... after he left i gave him one more chance to tell me the truth and if he didn't i would break off everything, including his marriage proposal. He sent me a full list of all his past experiences and highlighted everything.. it has turned out that he dated over 25 girls and slept with way more... furthermore he dated 2 of my friends and 3 of my cousins...im so so upset that he lied and i dont think i can move past it all... its not his past that bothers me its the fact that he has the capabilities and ability to hide the truth from me despite us getting married... if i hadnt had known how long would it have gone on for... i feel cheated out of my virginity and that he took it from me in deceit.. i would have never given it up if i knew he had slept around and would have continued to wait til we were married... i feel so betrayed... again i dont even care that of his past... everyone has a past and i would always learn to accpet that... its the fact that he lied and hide it from me despite knowing how much it means to me...now anything he says i will always live in doubt whether he is telling me the truth or not... i do really love him but can i ever trust him...i dont know whether im reading to much into this and maybe it was a mistake... please can someone give me some advice about what i should do... what is the right thing to do... i have so many negative thoughts thank you so so much broken hearted girl
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (28 December 2013):
You keep contradicting yourself.
"i dont even care that of his past... everyone has a past and i would always learn to accpet that"
"i would have never given it up if i knew he had slept around"
So, here's the deal: he really liked you, and felt like if you knew the truth you wouldn't want to be with him. He was probably right.
So you can dump him for lying if you'd like, I probably would, but he lied because he wanted to be with you.
So if the truth REALLY is that you don't care about his past, then you should forgive him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): I'm also surprised that you weren't aware that your friends and cousins dated him. Do you not keep in contact with them much ?. I thought they would have told you that at the time they dated him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): How long have you known your best friend ?. Has she only recently told you that she dated him, and if so, why has she only told you now, as you and your boyfriend have known each other for years ?.
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A
female
reader, Paper Sky +, writes (27 December 2013):
 Don't marry him. Seriously, if he lied about something that important who knows what else he's capable of lying about.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (27 December 2013):
 Let's get some stuff out of the way first. Was his lie a big one? Yes. Was it cruel, has he tricked you out of your virginity? Yes. Your not reading too much into this, this was a major betrayal and all your negative feelings are natural and he deserves your anger and disapproval. And the other posters could be entirely right, he could be a lying manipulative son of a ***** who you shouldnt trust as far as you can throw him. You should get checked out as YouWish advises for your own piece of mind and well being.
Im not sure its particularly nice or charitable to suggest your naive. You obviously want the big romantic dream, you saw it and the hand of 'fate' in this, its not entirely surprising you were sucked in a bit and frankly if most people want something as badly as you want this then your capacity for self-delusion, seeing what you want to see, is no greater than anybody elses particularly so I wouldnt be too hard on you over that.
So, while all this is true, there is an alternative scenario, its called the Chasing Amy scenario (a film you probably should watch actually because it relates to your actual dilemma), now this is the scenario I think you want to be true, that he lied to you, he betrayed you, yes, but he did it because he wants to settle down with you and yes that is possible. Its possible he lied to you but really cares about you and wants to put his past behind him.
Here is the rub. That may or not be true and frankly from this I find it impossible to tell if it is or not. Just because you want the above to be the real story dont make it so. Dont make the same mistake youve made at the beginning with this guy and see only what you want to see. You need to take a long hard look at what is really there. Now if you look at the guy and cant see past this, think he is a player who just wanted to steal your virginity (possible) then do as the other writers have suggested, get rid and dont look back, heal and in time you will find the person you were meant to make this dream real with, if however, the other scenario is true, maybe, just maybe, you have a future, either way you need to make your own mind up. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): I agree, leave him. He is completely dishonest and had no intention of ever coming clean if he hadn't been caught. If he can do this then what else is he capable of? He isn't the person you were led to believe he was.
BTW: Be glad you are a girl. When you are a guy in this situation then people act like YOU are the one who is messed up and torturing your partner. She was "forced to lie" because of your "insecurities" and "male ego" and "virginity obsession".
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 December 2013):
 Wow! Did your virginity get lost unprotected?? Have you two had unprotected sex or any accidents with condoms? This is really bad, because not only was he NOT a virgin, he was an absolute utter manwhore who had over 30+ sexual partners, exposing you to serious STI's. Get tested as soon as you can!
You need to LEAVE him. That is a really major lie that ranks up there with a married man telling someone he's single to get in a girl's pants. There should be no second chances, no "but I love him" because you fell in love with a complete fantasy, and this guy is not the one you fell in love with. You fell in love with a fiction, a lie, a ruse. That guy died with the realization of his massive lie.
Lies tend to cluster as well. Drugs, financial scams, cheating, all of it ties right in. Like I said, this one you do NOT overlook unless you deliberately shove your head into the sand and leave it there until your life is in utter ruin.
You are no longer a virgin. He took it by lying and misrepresenting himself. That doesn't mean you have to wallow in that mistake. You recover from it by being a lot wiser. Get tested for STI's because his sexual past puts you at serious risk, especially if he pulled the "We're both virgins so we're both clean" lie.
Your guy is morally bankrupt. You keep your virtue because you didn't lie. Losing virginity doesn't mean losing virtue, and there's a big difference. You thought you were sharing a life-shattering intimate moment, and guess what? You can do it again! Every time with someone new is a first time because everyone is different. You didn't lose out on sharing a moment with someone new.
Get out while you can. The only thing keeping you from making that decision as an automatic no-brainer are the bonding chemicals released when you had sex with him. Recognize them, and that the chemicals and hormones are making you irrational and clingy to the lie. Let your brain wrestle those hormones to the ground and cause you to do what you know you should, and that's to drop this guy and do it quickly before he can truly poison your life.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2013):
 Are you still going to marry him?
What he did was deceitful and almost cruel, because he KNEW you was waiting for the guy you intended to marry for sex. My guess is, he figured once you slept with him, the deal was sealed YOU would take him no matter what.
Now I know for some women the "virginity" is regarded as some kind of price that when used will lower your "value". I don't get that thinking.
Waiting for the "right" man is JUST fine, nothing wrong in that. But you are not LESS of a woman or damaged goods because you lost your virginity.There is SO much more to you then your virginity.
As for your fiance, well. If he can lie about that so open-faced what else will he lie about, what else HAS he lied about.
I think YOU need to think long and hard about marriage to this guy. He OBVIOUSLY is not the guy you remember from 10 years ago.
Now whether he had slept with 1 girl or 25 shouldn't matter as that is his PAST, but the fact that he CLAIMED to be a virgin to get YOU in bed, that is just low and rotten.
DID he actually GIVE you a reason WHY he lied?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): Here's a dose of reality. Only by some trick of fate did you discover he was lying. You have no way of knowing if a man is a virgin. He can tell you any sort of lie about his sexual past; and if you don't know anyone from his past, you wouldn't know the difference. So welcome to the real world.
I agree; not only did he lie. He told a big lie. It was meant to deceive you and to steal your virginity.
You knew him 10 years prior to your engagement. I'm surprised you never realized how much of a player he is. Doing the math, he must have been pretty sexually active during his teens; and I guess you don't know him as well as you claim.
I think you could use more life-experience before you get married. You seem too naive for such a big step.
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