A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in the strangest relationship situation I've ever been in, in my life.I am seeing a man who's nearly 20 years older than me, he's separated and has two kids. I've only been seeing him for about a month. I was in another long-term relationship but that finished, because I wanted something different in my life, I wanted my own free time and space and to be single, but I had seen this other guy and there had been an attraction for a number of weeks and we got together.Things moved ridiculously fast, there was strong feelings early on with the older guy because I was very upset and fragile after breaking up with my long-term partner. He said he had feelings for me from day one.The thing is, I am completely confused. I really like the older guy and there was an instant attraction but when I'm not with him, which is often, I feel bad about it and can't help the feeling that it's a toxic thing. Because he is a single father, his time is scheduled to be with his kids and sometimes I feel that everything (arrangements to meet etc.) is on his terms, which I understand, because he's a dad, but at the same time, I feel like I'm a dog who sits patiently waiting to be called, and that he has me under his thumb in a way. I do think he has strong feelings for me, because of how good and supportive he's been to me, but I just can't shake these negative feelings. I'm a very insecure person also and I've seen a picture of what his ex wife (the mother of the kids) looks like on fb and she's very pretty. I feel inferior to her, she and I both have dark hair and the same colour eyes, we're different but with a similar "look" and I'm worried that he's just looking for a replacement for her because he was crazy about her, but she left him, they are broken up a long time now, years. I just don't know what to think. I don't know whether it'd be appropriate for me to talk to him about this, but he is very easy to talk to in fairness. He says that I'm different and that he can connect emotionally to me and that he hasn't had that same connection so early on with anyone else. I don't ever want to be a replacement for anyone, to someone they loved before. Things didn't end very well between him and his ex (or so he says, but I can only take his word for it).My ex boyfriend is still in love with me, and I do still love him, but my attraction to him had faded. I am still very confused.I feel guilty for what happened and I'm finding it difficult to let go of the guilty feelings, I feel that I deserve the pain. I love my ex boyfriend but we became more like good friends.It was never my plan or intention to leave a relationship for another person, but that seems to be what's happening, I feel I didn't even have time to think, it all just happened so qucikly, I feel that I haven't dealt with some things, or the fact that my long-term relationship is now over. I feel that I'm living in a bubble or something. The older guy has been through something similar to me.This thing, whatever it's called, was supposed to be a casual thing, but it isn't, I wanted it to be casual, but he was pushing the emotional connection and then I got more attatched to him than planned. I've made a hell of a mess and I know that.Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this?I'd really appreciate some insight from anyone who found themselves in a similar situation. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): I think you should treat it casual and concentrate on other areas of your life while enjoying the time you spend with him.Your not married! Take a step back, plan independant social things and enjoy the security of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't smother you, if your not enjoying it stop it, if you enjoy his company, have fun, be honest with everyone and see what happens.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 I think you two should talk. Dating someone older is not bad, many people do, and often find a strong connection in those relationships. With him being separated for years, I don't believe you are a replacement for him. Your insecurity is selling yourself short. That's an area you need to work on.
Remember that what we experience in life is a direct reflection of our own thoughts, feelings, and emotional state of being. It's said that if you want to change your position simply change the way you think. Sometimes that's easier said that done, but it's important if we want our life and experience to change.
Maybe it's not him trying to replace the past, but you, or maybe you feel you need to be with someone and are with him to fill that need. I don't know because I don't know you. You do need to think, and talk. It's not to say you shouldn't be with with this guy, but maybe bring you guys being together into prospective.
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