A
female
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anonymous
writes:On Saturday night I went out with 3 of my friends and was supposed to be staying over at one of their flats. I've never really felt like these girls like me that much, although they say things that make me feel like they do ("i'm soooo excited that finally all 4 of us are going out together, usually one of us can't make it!" and they tell me they love me) so that makes me feel included but they also see each other individually and I only ever see them when we are all out at the weekend.I met my sister for a drink and she was so drunk it kind of upset me and I was really worried about her after she left to go to another pub. I ended up quite upset and in tears. My friends were OK about it but its almost as if they were angry with me for ruining what was supposed to be a fun night out so they just carried on talking and laughing together and ignoring me. One of the bouncers even came over to me and said "I just wanted to ask if you're OK because I noticed you were crying and your friends are ignoring you, so I thought it would be nice if you knew that at least one person in this room is wondering if you're alright."I got annoyed with them and went to meet my sister so she could come to the club with us as her friends were going home. I never made it to meet her. As I was walking through the town centre (I know it was stupid, a girl walking alone in the middle of the night, in tears...talk about an easy target!) 4 guys approached me and asked me for the time, as I was getting my phone out of my bag to check the time they dragged me into a back alley between two shops. I wont go into graphic detail but I was raped several times and forced to do things I would never do to a man I was in love with never mind those people! I was on my period so when they raped me, it wasn't the front...if you know what I mean. Eventually they ran off and I crawled back out to the town centre, a group of girls were walking past and ran over to help me. One of them called the police and came with me to the hospital. I had to stay there for a long time while I was interviewed and examined. It was really awful and I just wanted to go home and kept telling people I had to go because my friends would be worried about me, they would be looking for me when I didnt come back, they would be panicking.The boys had broken my phone so I couldnt call anyone. When the police eventually took me home (about 6.30am) I managed to find an old phone and put my sim card in it so I could call my friends and tell them I was at least alive. I switched the phone on and waited a minute ..... no texts came through. I did 1471 and none of them had called me.They came out of the club at 2.30am, all went back to the girls house we were staying at and went to sleep....not one of them wondered where I was or if I was ok. None of them called to find out where I was. I live almost 30 miles away, so they cant have assumed I'd been upset and gone home because they knew I had no way to get home.On Sunday at about 5pm one of them text me saying "omg i'm sooooo worried about you! I saw something on your facebook ... are you ok?!". Within an hour all 3 of them had text asking if I was ok but I feel like its too little, too late. They didnt care how I was on Saturday night. They didnt call or text all night or all day Sunday, only when one of them read a comment on my facebook from someone saying they heard what happened and were thinking of me. Then the person who saw it obviously told the other 2 and they all text me looking for gossip.Am I being unreasonable? I'm dealing with Saturday night with the help of police, counsellors and my family. I'm sure my feelings over that are probably contributing to how angry I am with my friends but it hurts so much that even after everything I was worried about THEM, worrying that they would be looking for me and scared when I didnt come back. And none of them even cared enough to call.If it had been any one of the other 3 who had gone off on their own, obviously upset, and just didnt come back when they live 30 miles away and all their stuff was at the flat, they would have gone looking for them or at the very least put in a phone call to ask if they were ok. I feel like because its me they didnt care what had happened to me. I'm not blaming them for what happened, it was my fault for going off on my own when I was upset. I know they couldnt have done anything to stop it or prevent it but it hurts me that they didnt care what had happened to me and didn't call or text until they were looking for gossip and wanted to be involved in some drama. And they are all angry with me because I havent text them back they say I'm being ignorant and immature because they don't know why i'm ignoring them and they deserve an explanation. Do you think I'm right?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (16 September 2009):
 I think you're right. What I really want to know is, how are you doing now after what happened. I have daughters. I fear these traumatic experiences happening to them. Being a man, I walk at night, by myself, without worry. I wish girls had the same luxury.
What happened to you was not your fault. The guys who did it are to blame. Although walking alone wasn't the best choice, you didn't force them, or offer to them to rape you, therefore don't accept blame for what these poor excuses for men did to you.
On the other end, however, we live in a world of making assumptions. Such as, you're walking. After this happened, are you going to attempt walking alone late at night again? I know I wouldn't. But why in the first place? The assumption, "that couldn't happen to me", "I've done it before, so I'll be Okay." etc. Same with your friends. Could they have assumed you were with your sister and were doing okay. Or the leader of the group, "don't worry, I'm sure she's fine." or "She's a big girl, and can handle herself." We do this because the reality of something happening is much lower than the fact that previously nothing did happen.
However, in your situation, if you all arrived in a group, it's common sense to believe you were suppose to leave as a group as well. So, you have every right to be upset with them.
I hope your doing okay, and never go through something like this again. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Thats really horrible and you are so brave to write all this down :)You will get through it talk to a close family member over coffee and explain everything. Just take things day by day..maybe write down your feelings and slowly but surely you will feel betterthem friends don't sound like friends..they sound "fake" and they all probably agreed that it was Best not to contact you.. what kind of friends do that anyways? they are obviously just all out for themselves and didnt give you a second thought. I would tell them how you felt that night...when they seen you crying they should have came over and been hugging you asking if you were OK. but they didn't even bother. its their actions that said everything. Unless they were extremely drunk..so let them give an explanation at least. trust your gut instinct on this one and work out wether you want friends like this, but they sound nasty and make you feel excluded. who seriously needs that? Ive been through this before and I have learnt its best to have a few friends or family members to talk to rather than a lot of Fake friends who cause you nothing but pain.you will get through this =) this experience will make you stronger and you will make even BETTER friends in your life i promise you! Just get out there and meet new people once you get over the shock and pain of this. give yourself time to heal :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): First of all, I want to stress that rape is NEVER YOUR FAULT! These punks just picked you out because you were a convenient target. Rape is not about sex; it is about POWER over a woman. They made the choice, not you. True. walking up an alley was not wise, but it did not entitle them to rape you.
There are about three basic related reasons: poor relationships with women, poor relationship with mother, or "she deserves it" attitude." Since it was gang rape, it sounds like it. I read that in "How To Say No To a Rapist and Survive."
I was raped although not to the severity of your situation. It took me years to get over the fear of being alone: a man broke into my home and did it at knife point.
Now to your "friends." You already sensed that these girls were not really friends prior to the rape. Your intuition is on target, so follow it. Their being drunk may have contributed to their lack of judgment, or they may just be that inconsiderate type of people. Alcohol impairs judgment. Even so, I believe this is not acceptable. Do you know if they feel remorse? Do you know whether they tried to find you? At the very minimum, they could have contacted the police, even though it might not have done any good. They could have called your parents if they tried to find you and couldn't. Did any of them come to your house after they found out to check on you personally?
I am presuming that you wanted to hang out with them and to be accepted. They are not the kind of friends you want or need. Do you feel you could make other friends easily? Obviously what they are offering you is not enough to make you feel sincere. I see that at this traumatic time of your life when you might be more focused on the rape, that they seem to be your focus. That shows how badly they hurt you feel even without having been raped.
Unless you see a real change in their responses, I would mark them off my calendar. Hope you feel better in time because I know that both situations are hurtful!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): You have been very brave and need to concentrate on yourself and be surrounded by people who really properly care for you. These so called 'friends' do not - they are immature and self centred I cannot imagine what sort of friend I would be to not even find out where you were. You are being sensible and getting the professional support you need and I sincerely hope you will successfully heal and move on from this awful experience. I hope those responsible for such a horrific criminal act will be caught. Take care of yourself x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): You deserved a phone call and they didn't give it. But does tha make it ok to not give them their deserved explaination? You should obviously drop these girls because they make you feel inferior and insecure, but there's no reason you should reject telling them why you don't want to talk to them anymore. Just say that they wre not ther when you needed them, they didn't care at all when you disappeared, and you want friends who will be there and who do care.
They really should have at least called you when you never returned. Looking into their shoes however, I would assume the following: They were annoyed at your crying because they didn't see plausible cause for it. When you went to look for your sister, they became further annoyed because they figured you were just ditching out on them, and when you didn't come back they thought you found her and were perfectly fine. And since they were already annoyed, they just let you be.
Just form reading this, it seems a bit like you crave attention and that was a quiality they don't find appealing in you. I say this because of your public tears insstead of excusing yourself to a bathroom and because of how fine you are telling this horrible story. Most rape victams won't talk about it to anyone except maybe the police but not usually even that. And I find it odd that someone posted on your facebook wall that they heard what happened. THat means that whoever you did tell is passing it around! I don't think they have a right to do that, do you?
anyway, it seems you'll be fine. You have your family, counselors and whoever else knows about it and they will get you through. There's no need to dwell on people who aren't assesets to your life. Forget those girls and turn to other friends. Or make new ones.
~Sy.
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A
male
reader, Odiewoof  +, writes (16 September 2009):
Yeah, your thinking right. I have to admit that this is very serious and am glad your OK. They know what they've done and they're know your in a bad mood... Possibly find a different group of people to hang around with i my opinion.
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