A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am struggeling to deal with the break up with my ex abusive bf. I feel so confused as my feelings are very conflicitng. It hurts to love someone who abused you. It doesnt even make sense. I know i shoudlnt feel this way but I do. I love him. And I miss him.At the same time, I feel angry towards him for the things he did. And its annoying that I have to put on an act in public, pretend everything is ok and make out like he was a sweet bf and that our breakup was just because we "werent right for each other" when in reality it was more then that. He broke up with me because I finally stood up for myself and wouldnt let him abuse me.He told me "the story" we have to tell people about why we broke up. And he said that we should say we are still really good friends. He is even going to the trouble to try and see me every now and then, to make our like we have a real friendship when we dont. I hate having to keep this all to myself. But even if i did tell people, they wouldnt believe me. Hes a charmer and i will look like the overly sensitive attention seeking ex gf. Everytime someone comes up to me and says "im sorry to hear about the breakup, he was a great guy too!!!!" it makes me so mad because they feel sorry for me like as if i lost someone great and its not all true. It hurts to see him move on. Even though I know he would probably abuse the next girl, but part of me is jealous. Atleast he sees her as worthy of his time and effort to abuse. Im worth nothing to him. I still feel controlled by him. One of his family members works in my work industry and is veyr powerful and has alot of say about what happens and could easily ruin my reputation if my ex bf says anything bad about me to his family member. He keeps contacting me, asking if I am seeing any other guys etc...him doing this makes me feel like im being controlled. He knows I care for him and I dont wanna hurt him, so I feel like I cant even see anyone new. I am filled with so much anxiety. The thought of him makes me feel breathless and when I see him or get a message from him, I start feeling really faint. I dont know why...its not that im scard of him. This is confusing. I just dont know what to do...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (16 September 2009):
 Think about this one. Those who answer your question, not knowing you, never being intimate with you, are treating you better than this guy you claim to love.
What I find to be scary with his behavior is his conscious knowledge about what he's doing. Sometimes abuse happens when things escalate, and someone looses control. Often they feel bad, and ask for forgiveness. It seems as if the abuse you've been through is INTENTIONAL. He knows what he's doing, and has no remorse by doing it. Almost as if he'd be happy if everyone would bow at his presence.
What you're doing, by not being truthful, is saying "it's
okay." You do this because keeping this blanket over what really happened is a way of justifying it happening.
"Atleast he sees her as worthy of his time and effort to abuse. Im worth nothing to him." If he acted like you did not exist at all, never had a relationship, and left you alone, I'd be really happy for you. Not being worth his time and effort to abuse. What about being worth someone's time and effort to cherish and love? Why don't you believe you deserve better?
The first two things will be the most difficult. 1. Stop contact with him. If he does contact you and inquires if you are seeing anyone, say "doesn't matter." 2. Start telling the truth. Not doing so it keeping you from healing too, and disabling you from really moving on. You'd be surprised how much people will listen to and believe if you gave them a chance to. I don't care how much you try to hide something when abused, people you're really close to, I can almost bet have noticed differences in your personality, happiness, etc.
In abuse, we place blame on ourselves for choosing the abuser, etc. So I want you to forgive yourself for doing so. Every time those loving feelings come up, or jealousy cause you want him to spend his time abusing you. I want you to immediately intervene that thought and tell yourself that you do not deserve to be abused, and that you refuse to be in a situation where you are being abused.
In order to overcome the pain this has caused and begin to heal, I want you to release. In doing so, you need to get notebook and pen. You're going to write as if you're talking directly to him. Not placing blame or calling names. I want you to write down, in detail, what his abuse has done to you. How does it make you feel? What changes in your sense of self have happened? For example, a gal who's married was sexually abused by a grandfather. Part of the cause for her was not being able to really be intimate with her husband, pleasure and being touched were dirty acts. Although they had sex, for 12 years she was doing it out of obligation, not that she personally found enjoyment. This happened all because of the selfish act of someone who was suppose to "appropriately" love her.
The anxiety and faint feeling are fears. We're designed to warn ourselves from entering into somewhere harmful. These are feelings that are warning you from contact with him.
Remember that if he loved you, he wouldn't abuse you. I hope you find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be, and all the happiness that will bring. Take care.
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