A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:been dating my boyfriend for a long while now. i love him very much and a loves me too.a believe hes been faithful these past years and he means the world to me. problem is i havent been so faithful. he thinks im a saint but ive had a few flings and i regret it so badly. i promised myself never to do that again but i feel guilty im holding back the truth about my sexcapades and i just feel miserable even though ill never do anything to betray that trust ever again. should i tell...!?or just pretend i was never bad during our relationship.ps im 27yrs Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): In these discussions there's always a lot of talk about "but he'll never trust me the same way if he knows the truth . . . "
THAT'S EXACTLY THE POINT! He's got a right not to trust you!
But not telling him, you're deciding to steal some of his rights because you don't like how he might exercise them. That's a sign that you might love him but you definitely do not respect him.
As for the idea that you'll "shield" him from the truth . . . isn't that sort of like stealing money from his savings account, and then hiding the truth with deceptive paperwork because the truth would depress & anger him? That secret is not really being kept for his benefit. Not by a long shot.
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Having read both posts - it does sound more like an 'affair' which is very different from a one night thing. Cheating is cheating, but if you go back again and again you have to have a look at why???
I also have to say - you don;t sound totally convincing in your new found 'manogomy'. You make several very "positive" comments about the other guy - and comment on how you hope you will be able to put him behind you...this sounds to me like you might be tempted again if he knocked on your door...or if some other "good looking" guy came by!!
If you don;t think you can tell your man - that's your business, but I think you are being incredibly unfair to him if you continue to go through life/be with him without addressing the "flaws" in either yourself or your relationship - that have lead to the infidelity in the first place.
At the moment you sound like someone who feels bad about what happened....but wouldn't necessarily give up a good time if it was on offer again. That's really wrong. If you love this guy you have been with for SIX YEARS...don;t you owe it to him to figure out why you are behaving/thinking like this?? And...if this isn't something you can resolve in yourself or with him..maybe you should do him a favour and let him go find someone who can commit whole-heartedly to him.
Cheating is such a selfish act - but staying with him so YOU don;t hurt or feel bad...that's even more selfish!! Make sure you are wanting your r'ship for the right reasons!
I hope this works out one way or another!
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female
reader, lotsofgiggles123  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 well you should probably have a time where you two tell everything that happend like bad things and then when you tell him maybe you should tell him of how you regret it or tell him how you promised to never do it again not only will it make you marriage stronger but bring you 2 closer i hope this helps :).
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I hope you find peace and can move forward.
Good luck and best wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm so glad those who have responded are quite sincere, giving honest advice just like they would to a loved one. all answers either to tell or not are extrememly convincing but i think i rather not tell. it will destroy 6years of a great relationship and i dont think hell ever trust me. as for the other man, hes married now and i dont even see or talk to him again. so i think hes better buried in the past! i hope i can totally erase him from my head as the few time we had was quite an adventure. i hope this ends it all....i dont ever want to hurt my man again.
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female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 you have a point q1605 but then again would you really be happy knowing that perhaps your partner may not be trustful and living a lie ? if it were me i would want to know because i wouldnt want to be with a person who has cheated and lies. just so they can be with me. obvious theirs a problem before they have strayed. its up to you anon. be truthful or keep the lie! either way the choice is yours and we can only give you our opinions on the matter. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I disagree with those saying don't tell him.
Ideally, we could all cheat on everyone as long as nobody finds out, right? Nothing wrong with that, right?
Except the hollow phony relationships we would all be left with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I want to ask you this question?
I the tables were turned, if he had done what you did, what would you prefer? Him telling you or not telling you and then maybe one day you hear find out?
How will you feel in the 1st instance if he tell you; hurt, dissapointed; but happy that he was honest enough to tell you? work through the pain and realize that you can trust this man to be completely honest and open with you?
2 nd scenario: he does not tell you and months or years from now you discover it; will you feel hurt, because he cheated, also because he kept it a secret from you? Deceit?
Will you be able to trust or will you always have doubt?
If you answer these questions to yourself honestly, i hope and trust you will know what is best to do for your relationship.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): thanks for all the good advice. im still in a dilema but im contemplating not telling. it might ruin a lovely relationship. the fling was totoally not worth it even though the other man was sooo good looking and true but like i said, i regret it. not worth trading a great 20 minutes sex with a life time of bliss with the one you love. thanks again.....im still not bold enough to tell
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reader, Yos  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 I'm not sure you should tell. Why?
Well, right now, you did wrong. And you are the one suffering for it. You are having to live with the guilt, the burden, because of what you did.
By telling him you will be unburdening yourself. But you will be transferring the pain to him. You may well feel better (you probably will), but he will feel MUCH worse.
In other words, you're making it less your problem, and making it his problem. Yet you are the one who did wrong. You are the one that deserves to suffer from this situation, not him.
Does he deserve to feel the pain he'll get from this? If he's in love with you, it will hurt him incredibly. And his feelings towards you will be permanently changed. He'll never trust you again fully. Are you prepared for this? Do you think he deserves it?
Perhaps that's a strange answer, but I think there is some truth to looking at it from that perspective.
One other thing: many men find infidelity unforgivable. If you tell him, you have to be prepared for him to leave you because of it. Many otherwise totally 'reasonable' men would leave their partners over this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This may seem strange - but my first instinct is to say don;t tell him - I have recently found out that my partner of many years has cheated on me and it has crushed me, changed my whole world and my view of him forever....I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. I don;t know what the "best" thing to do would be to be honest - this is just an awful situation. On one hand he does deserve to know what you have done, how you have betrayed his trust so that he can decide whether HE wants to give you a second chance or not..., and I suppose there is always the chance that you being honest, owning what you've done and committing to changing MAY make your relationship better than ever...I think only you can make the call. What I suggest you do is have a long hard look at yourself and what has lead to your "sexcapades"...you are playing with more than your own life/heart here and you are being selfish and unfair. You say this has happened more than once? Then how can you be sure it won;t happen again? YOu need to take steps to make sure it doesn't. If you need to free yourself of the guilt and if you truly want to have a long term, committed relationship then go to a psychologist, talk about what you've done, what motivates it and what you put at risk every time you cheat. There is no easy way for you here...I hope you are able to find a way to make things different in the future!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): don't tell, let it be water under the bridge and make sure he never finds out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I have been unfaithful before and it played on my mind for ages and it did my head in that much that i had to tell him. It will play on your mind that much that you will have to tell him in the end i think you should sit him down tell him exactly how you feel but also tell him what you have done it will either make or break you but that is a chance you will have to take and i hope it turns out the best for you xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): By keeping quiet, you are not actually lying but if you tell, then you will be hurting your man beyond belief - a case of ignorance being bliss.I do feel however, that your love is not as strong as you imagine. You had these 'sexcapades' as you call them because something was / is missing in your relationship. You have obviously been unfaithful on several occasions which is so very disrespectful and frankly, despicable. So, I would have to seriously question my relationship and future with this man. That is your real problem.
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reader, lexilou +, writes (11 June 2008):
 The truth has tendency to come out just when you thought it was safely forgotten about. You have to weigh up the pros and cons of this
If you dont tell him and he finds out will he forgive you, he will not only have the betrayal to deal with but the fact that you lied to him all this time
If you do tell him will he forgive you or will you lose him anyway?
Its possible he will never find out and you can just keep this to yourself but will the guilt alter your relationship?
I cant tell you what to do, it has to be your decision but I personally hate being lied to. I always tell my kids that if they have done something wrong and then lie about it they are more likely to be punished than if they are big enough to tell me the truth as the liying to me is often worse than what they have done x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): hi there,I know this is probably wrong as you are always meant to tell the truth but I wouldn't tell. Unless you have something to gain by being honest I think it would hurt him unnecessarily and I don't believe he deserves that. I can understand the desire to unburden your guilt but I can only see it as hurting him and if you love him and want to be with him then why do that. I would suggest concentrating on your relationship and putting your flings behind you or if you are not sure about things long term having a break for a while. You are young and I know it can be fun but you may find out it is not so great in the end when you are on your own - and there speaks the voice of experience!
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