A
female
age
36-40,
*oops
writes:i have recently started seeing an ex boyfriend again, we have been going out, talking and sleeping together, like old times, but are currently not boyfriend and girlfriend, this is his choice rather than mine, as he feels we should take it slow.Although in my head I agree- we had some problems with communication in our relationship prior to this and things need to go slow and steady, my heart is completely ignoring my head. I feel completely in love with him again, and like I want to be with him all the time, and more importantly i want him to be my boyfriend, not someone i sleep with. I voiced my opinions to him yesterday, and said it bothered me and made me feel stupidly insecure that we werent together, i know in my head he isnt going to go out with someone else, but my heart wont give up. He went on to tell me there was no one else he wanted to be with he just wanted to take it slow, but then said we should think about moving in together in a few months time, as a maybe, not a definate thing, but as you can imagine, my heart went into overdrive, i started banging on about paint, how we could do the house up, so on so forth... and got completely carried away, he seemed fine when i left but i got the impression that I had more than overstepped the mark, it was the perfect solution to a problem at home, and I have always wanted to live with this guy, i took it too far and he has backed off a lot since.how would you calm all this down and restore the relationship, I dont want to have blown it before ive even begun.Thanks guys
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female
reader, loops +, writes (11 June 2008):
loops is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwas actually him that brought the subject of me moving in up.
I have been decorating his house prior to us splitting up and the conversation had gone on to finishing it, he then suggested maybe in a few months time when i go to uni i could move in, as i am currently looking for somewhere else to live. I took this a bit too much as gospel, and as a result got excited. Like i said my heart and my head seem to be in constant battle, i do have no doubts he is the one for me, but like him i dont want to be rushing it. However as soon as something feels like its going a bit wrong, or whatever i do seem to panic, this brings me across as being needy and clingy when infact deep inside im not, im just an insensant worrier.
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (11 June 2008):
 It sounds as if you have no doubts about this relationship, but maybe he isn't too sure just yet and as you say wants to take things slow so that he does not make the same mistake twice. There's no saying he wants someone else, but if you are unhappy with being friends with benifits then maybe you should stop sleeping with him until he makes up his mind if he still wants to be with you or not.
Try not to rush into things, and give him the time he needs, there's no point talking about moving in together if he hasn't even made up his mind if he wants a serious relationship with you. If you get too carried away and he decides it's not for him any longer you are going to get very hurt having got your hopes up so much. Take things one day at a time for now and don't make too many plans for the future just yes, he does sound apprehensive.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): FEAR,creates insecurities and cause people to react in ways like you described.
When you are getting worried or paranoid about things, write it down, write down how you feel and why you feel that way, start dealing with insecurities.
I also suggest you find things to keep yourself occupied, maybe a ne hobbie or something creative!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (11 June 2008):
loops is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlike i said in the question, i completely understand all that, in my head, but my heart keeps taking over. How can I completely relax about it, its not through lack of wanting to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): If you want to be with him, you are going to have to TRUST him. It sounds like he really is trying to work things out with you...but he probably doesn't want to go down the same road as before and so wants to take things slow before making alot of promises and commitments just to be let down again...and obviously his "hesitation" is making you uneasy and insecure, which is understandable...but for now, you are going to have to judge his feelings for you based on his actions...and the fact that he has tried to appease your fears, has asked you to trust him, has been honest with you, has spent alot of time with you, even mentioned moving in with you, shows that he does care...and if you are patient, he will come around...Now that he has backed off a lot you have got to RELAX and let him be...you need to be more confident and trust him and trust yourself more...You need to RELAX, take it slow, and put alot more trust in what you two have going for you...
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