A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just ended an affair. i dont feel proud of having one. hope you dont judge me for being in one. i was the other woman. their relationship ended not necessarily because he was cheating but because of many other factors. it was just not going to work out.after they broke it off, we kept seeing each other but we broke it off for a differnt reason. i think one of his reasons, which he didnt mentionn, is to be single. one of my reasons, which i didnt mention to him, is he started to ignore me. maybe i deserve this. we both realize we couldnt keep on living like this so its better off if we ended it. it did hurt that it had to end because i did develop feelings towards him. ofcourse when something ends it always hurt.the problem now is that i feel lost. none of my friends know and i rather not tell them. im grieving on my own. only one of my siblings know about this. i want to pick myself back up. I want to be able to be in good relationships in the future. help me with some words of wisdom. thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): thanks for your advice, it has been very helpful. the times ive read them have been in a different thought of mind. right now im for sure its over, we both know it cant last. its better if we just do our own thing. i am hurt but im glad its over. im trying to better my life, i just made the first step and im happy about that. there's so many friends i have distanced myself over this. i havent gone to church that often. i havent enjoyed my life, being in this situation.
i have learned a lot being i this situation, and i know i will never fall back to this. one time is too many.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Yes, did the right thing by ending it. No question.
Don't see him again, if he calls tell him never to call you again. It isn't good for your mental health.
Your relationship failing is one of the statistics of affairs, 3 of 100 "other people" marry out of an affair, of those who do marry 75% divorce (3 out of 4 marriages), which leaves you with a 1 in 100 chance of a successful long term marriage.
Perhaps you should get some counseling, it may help you understand why you did this and help you protect yourself in the future. Unfortunately, acts like this, having a relationship in the position you were in, have a way of coming back around to bite you in the ass when you have your own dedicated relationship later in life (when you "fear" the "other woman" or you are married, go into a rut and then cheat on your spouse because "everyone cheats" becomes your reality when it truly isn't).
Don't kid yourself, the wife of this man was probably hurt terribly by your actions with her (ex)husband. She won't forget it, and even if you don't think it had anything to do with their marital breakup, it probably did. This is because the energy and effort to have an affair could have been spent in the marriage and things might have been different. You also never want to believe what a married person says about their "terrible marriage" or "difficult spouse" as a lot of that is just lead up to infidelity and reality is somewhat different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): CaringGuy said it all except one very important point. Cut him completely out of your life. Completely, do not let him contact you ever, make sure he can't.
Get rid of everything he ever gave you, anything that belongs to him, stop listening to the music that reminds you of him, delete all pictures, emails and all reference to him in everything.
Seriously, don't get into an on/off mess with this guy, don't let him creep back into your life. If you think you feel lost now it's nothing compared to what would have happened had you stayed with him. You had a lucky escape.
You might rather not tell your friends but I think you should. They shouldn't care that you were the mistress only that you're in pain now and need support. In my experience having as many people to support you as possible and spend time with you listening to you makes the process easier. It will take time.
I just want to say that cutting him off does not mean trying to push thoughts of him away. Let them wash over you don't fight those thoughts, let your mind go over things again and again, it will eventually calm down and settle on a logical and healthy perspective of things.
Above all though, make sure he's gone, make sure he never comes back. That guy = pain and heart break, do not make the same mistake with this twice or you'll just end up a mess.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 November 2010):
You did exactly the right thing by ending it. Be proud that you did that. Above all else, this guy is untrustworthy. But, secondly, figures show that 89% of relationships that start as affairs fail. You're within the majority. And the reason they fail is exactly the same reason as you two broke up. The truth was, he wanted to be single.
I would suggest now that you just focus on yourself. You don't want anyone to know, and that's okay. You don't need to say anything. But you do now need to re-focus your life. Go out with your friends, focus on work, study, find a hobby. Do anything you can to get over it and him, and move on. Then you'll be in a position to meet a singe man who isn't out for himself.
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