A
male
age
41-50,
*ristian1981
writes:Hey everyone,Feeling a little out of sorts and looking for some guidence. I met my ex on a blind date some two years ago and we clicked. Due to bad living conditions with her room mate and a safty concern she moved into my house after 2-3 months. Not the ideal time frame but its jut how it played out, things where going well and I rolled the dice. I was 27 when i met her and her 20 we are now 28 and 22 so there was a fair age gape. She is a great girl but had a ton of emotional baggage. She is a pot smoker and has been for 8 years, I'm not. She was engaged at 19 but called it off and met me 5 months after. She suffered from bad anxiety as a teen and got councelling. She smoked two packets of ciggeretts a day for a few years. She is an intelligant girl but couldnt complete year 12 becuase she got sick with glandular fever. Her dad worked overseas since she was 10 and only came home every so often, missed alot of her birthdays and it has since come out that he has been having an affair for a number of years and they have since devorced just the other week. I'm just trying to paint a picture not pay out on her.Its funny how writing this all down actually even paints a better picture for me.When I met her I was ready to make a go of it with someone. I had a house, travelled and did my apprenticship and had a steady job. She still didnt know what she was going to do with her future. So we where on a different page in terms of life experience.I'm not sure why I stayed with her for the 17 months becuase it wasnt what I needed out of a relationship. We had our good times and I found myself hanging onto those and looking foward to the next. I, even through her on admisson pulled more then my weight. Doing nice little things for her, trying to make her feel loved. We fought over such small things I was left speachless at the stupidity of some of it. All the while I fought and fought and held onto what I though was a good thing. For my birthday I didnt get a present except for some IOU gift vouchers. Reading over this it sounds like she was a bad person but I believed that she was a very good person that was going through a very rough time, and if we could get through all that then we could give 'us' a real chance. She was always very snappy, and short. Whenever she walked in through the door it was a gamble as to what kind of mood she would be in. She cried alot but wanted to be left alone while she did it and then wanted to pretend that everything was ok and didnt want to tell me whats wrong. She was pushing me away and there was nothing I could do to help. My family saw how unhappy I was with her, they said that the light started to go out of my eyes. I think I started giving up on her and started distancing myself towards the end as well. Anyway at the start of this year she moved out and we broke it off. Till two months ago she we started calling each other again and hanging out till one day she said "I love you, I know I let the spark die out. I didnt feel worthy of you and I now know what I want. I want to work back at us". Its like for 17 months I was flighting for us then a few months apart and she tells me everything I needed to hear. I was starting to repair from when she left the first time but I let my guard down again and welcomed her back. For some reason it became me doing the chasing though and her saying that maybe it was too soon and maybe we should just go our own ways but catch up once a month. We started fighting becuase I was asking her why she said all that stuff and she kept on saying that she feels that way but just not now, that something is "blocking" her. This went on for some weeks till I pulled the pin and said goodbye again. A few weeks later se calls and tells me that she has been thinking alot about us and that I'm her special someone and that she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me. That felt nice so I started hoping again. That weekend she kissed a friend of hers and I got upset becuase she told me that she was off the market even though we where single. The mind job is that her actions are that of a single person but her words where what was tearing me apart. Again I say goodbye.Lol I got a call 4 days agao saying that she thinks that I could be her soul mate. I knew that she had slept by this stage with the guy she kissed and she said it helped her realize how special what we had was. Anyway Six months after the breakup, I'm suffering from anxiety and stress. I cant work out if I'm coming or going with this girl. Last night I made that call and told her the whole situation was crap and that if she really did feel that way about me she would be fighting for us instead of sleeping with this guy and calling me once every few weeks. Reading over this now I know how it must sound. It's was there the whole time but I couldnt see the forest through the trees. Even still I miss her for some reason. We spoke last night and said our final goodbuys. She said that I was right, that she should be fighting for us but she wasn't. She said she loves me but isnt in love with me. I dont think I have a low self esteem. I know I have alot to offer someone. I knew that she was not the one for me even half way through the relationship. I couldnt see myself building a future with this girl, having children. I'm just not sure why after everything, how miserable I was with her, how she lead me on for six months after we broke up, why I still cant sleep well becuase I'm thinking of her?I feel like the situation is unfair and I didnt really get a shot at it with this girl becuase she was not able to apply herself to our relationship due to her own issues. Did I develope some phyc disorder becuase I was not happy, and I applied so much that I became dependent on her? Her happyness became my happyness?I know how this reads. Its actually helped put some perspective on the situatin for me. If you where patient enough to read the whole thing thankyou.
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affair, broke up, engaged, mixed messages, moved in, moved out, my ex, roommate, self esteem, soulmate, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, isaacdeese  +, writes (9 June 2010):
Shes playing with you she wants you to be there as her safety net. I would say move on but thats not what you want to hear. If you should want her back who knows why, but if you do, you stand your ground don't act like a little girl anymore, and make her earn it. She will but you guys will never be happy.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 June 2010):
She's playing with you. You don't need a woman like this in your life. Just get rid of her.
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A
female
reader, INTJ +, writes (6 June 2010):
For your happiness, and hers, I think you should move on. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't see her ever again. It will take a bit of time since you had real feelings for her, but she isn't into you as much as you've been into her. Best of luck, and stay strong!! You are a catch and deserve better.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2010):
 I read the whole thing, and yes, that was cathartic for you and good for you to write that out. You almost don't need advice because you know what you should be doing.
However, I'll tell you why you did it and why you hung on so long. Usually, I tell this more to girls who catch toxic guys, but it fits in your case. You wanted to change her with your love. She's a drug user with a broken past, and you figured you could be the key to "save" her. As time went on, and you realized that she wasn't going to change, you still had time invested into her and feelings too and didn't want to let go.
She is in a destructive pattern right now, and most likely will end up pregnant or with a disease. Regardless of what's happened in her parent's life or her past, she is responsible for her actions. If you stay with her, you are putting yourself at risk, especially if she is sleeping around. You could catch an STD or she could accuse you of getting her pregnant.
It's time to stop fighting for her and start fighting for your future. She will come crawling back to you at a low point in her life. You will have to refuse her. You will feel like a jerk for doing so because you are a good person, and she will tug on your heartstrings. You need to have a heart of stone to her now, and open your heart to someone else, someone who ISN'T a fix-er-upper.
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