A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Is 17 and 21 too much of an age gap? Im turning 18 in November and he's turning 22 in August.I wouldn't normally consider this, i don't go above the age of 19, but there's this guy.. I haven't met him in person yet, he added me accidentally on facebook thinking he knew me, we got talking and we've been talking for the past two weeks on msn constantly. Our conversations last around 3 hours everytime we do talk.. I've seen him on his webcam and he's seen me so I know he's real and he knows im real too..Now, I don't usually do this. I don't really talk to people over the internet if i dont know them. But I thought i'd give it a go because, honestly i found him good looking and he asked for my msn so I thought why not..I've found out quite abit about him, and it's weird because I felt an instant connection after the first conversation we had, which lasted about 4 hours on Msn. He's a Leo and i'm a Sagittarius, which also explains alot because our star signs get on extremely well, and even though i've only dated a couple of guys before casually, i have not once felt the connection that i felt with this guy, with them. Which i find quite odd..We haven't exchanged numbers or anything because neither of us have asked each other, however I have spoken to him more than I have spoken to any other guy.Now one thing I know is that he's thinking about the age gap just as much as I am, because we do not flirt at all, we have genuine conversations, but he has mentioned small things which are slightly hard to explain but he asked me if i had a boyfriend, how many relationships i have been in, what i like to do, what country i originate from, holidays i've been on.He's also said: "If i were there, i'd help you with...""You have such beautiful hair""I feel like i've known you for a while, many girls don't know how to hold a conversation like you do"Etc...I may seem like i'm reading too much into it, but truthfully I know there's something there and this is the first time i have actually sat down and had genuine conversations with a guy without him trying to constantly flirt with me, which I like. Now, if we do consider meeting up, etc... I would most likely go, but the only thing bothering me is the age difference, he seems mature and he has been through a few life struggles and I have to so I do understand him and we have an amazing amount of things in common which I also have never had before with any other guy.I guess the question would be if I should go for it if it gets to that stage and for the guys, do you think he's just being friendly and talking to me, or do you think he's showing some interest...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand where you're coming from, and with that i will be extremely cautious if I do end up meeting him. I will most likely go with my best friend & her older brother, that way they will know each other, I will have my friend to talk to, and it will be a safe meet up.
We usually talk late in the evening, as it is now the summer holidays. I have finished college, he has finished university, we're up quite late till about 2-3am in the morning, and he usually comes on Msn after finishing work.
I will be sure to listen to my gut instinct, i dont really have one at the moment because it's still early days, but i'm not going to rush into anything.
Thank you for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): Well, I am glad to hear that someone you know well at least knows who he is....and I am wondering why you accepted his friend request if you didn't know him. His explanation makes sense, but still sounds a bit sketchy.
As far as the age gap, I don't know, you will just have to find out if you two share enough in common and can deal with your differing lifestyles, him being in college.
I wondering why he has so much time on his hands to talk to you three hours straight. I guess you will know what his intentions are if he asks you out, let him be the one to ask, then you won't have to wonder.
Still be careful and listen to your gut, it usually isn't wrong...but you need in person meetings to really know for sure.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I need to add that, when I wrote 'accidentally' added me, he added me as a friend because he recognised my name and he knows someone with the exact same first and second name as me. So he added me because my facebook page is very private and my profile picture was not clear enough for him to see exactly who it was in the picture as it is not a close up picture.
I accepted him, and he then realised he had added the wrong person when he went through the rest of my pictures. Also, he isn't a phoney. He goes to the same university as my best friends older brother (which happened to be a total coincidence), and her older brother knows who he is. They are not close friends, they are just associates, but I still know someone who knows who he is and what he looks like, etc..
He may ask questions to me, but theyre not interrogative. It's just in general, when we're talking about a topic, he would ask a question to understand exactly where i'm coming from..
He's told me where he lives, what uni he goes to, what course he's doing in Uni, how he lived in America for a few years, what his mother and father work has, how he has a twin sister, etc.. That's not even half of it, and quite frankly i havent told him much about myself as he has about himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): Ebony with all due respect, his age has nothing to do with how or what he expects from her in the way of sex. It is all about his intentions, and we don't know what those are and frankly neither does she. She needs to keep her guard up and be very careful. I understand the age of consent in the UK where the poster lives is 16. We here in the US think a 16 year old is a child, and 18 s not too far from it....
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Firstly, don't get your hopes up. Some guys are just very complimentary without really asking anything in return (and they're usually the honest ones!)He may just be very friendly and want to be close mates with you.
There are also a lot of internet frauds. Should you meet up with him, PLEASE take someone else with you. And don't give him your address etc until you've met up a few times.
As far as the age gap is concerned, I don't really see a problem here. He is just over four years older than you, but girls mature faster, and you're over 16 so at your age four years isn't really anything. He won't be expecting things of you that you are unable to give (unlike a 14 and 18 year old where the older might expect sex from the younger one who isn't ready.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): I think no because in this time period u will find that most people are having (4 or 5) age difference so don't worry and talk to ur parents
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): He doesn't sound so much as showing interest as he does an internet facebook predator.
He can't "accidentally" add you on Facebook thinking he knew you unless you sent him a friend request or vice versa.
Just because you find him cute is no reason to go off and think that he is someone you connect with.
The danger of the internet is that it is anonymous and in male/female dating relationships this is or can be a recipe for disaster because you can present yourself and create an identity for yourself using Facebook that has nothing to do with your real character in real life.
It bothers me that he asks you so many personal questions about yourself, but he has not flirted with you or shown you any romantic interest. This can be a form of manipulation. He has the luxury of "interviewing" you without you having a chance to observe him in real life situations and with real people. Once he has all this knowledge about who you are and what you like, he can then pander to who you think you want him to be, gaining a false sense of connection and trust.
The danger of a strong "connection" is that it has more to do with you than with anything else. You are projecting qualities on him that you want to believe he has. You are starting to feel "intense" emotions of attraction and this is dangerous because it masks reality. In short your ability to make judgements is quickly flying out the window.
I say you are spending too much time on msn and having three hour conversations with some random person who probably thought you were cute and "targeted" you on the internet. I wonder how many other women he has done this with or has going on at the same time?
If you decide to actually meet him in person, do so in public and let a friend or family member know where you are going and when you will be expected back home. Have them call you during the meeting to give you a chance to exit the interview if you feel uncomfortable.
Don't talk yourself out of any uneasy or uncomfortable feelings that come up when around this guy telling yourself that you have to be nice to him. It is the gift of fear that you need to force yourself not to squelch, your instincts are there for a reason.
I would be more comfortable if you had known this guy in life and you know something about his friends and family and you develop your connection slowly over time...rather than by typing on a keyboard accross the internet or on skype....
As far as the age gap, I think he is too old for you at this stage of your life most likely, but the age gap is the least of your very real worries.
Be smart.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Hmm, you're illegal to him. A minor cannot consent to have sex with an adult. I know it's hard to wait, but you have less than half a year. If you go for it with this guy, for both of your sakes, you'll have to go extremely slow. No physical stuff until November.
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