A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfreind and i have been together for 1 year 2 months. 8 of those months he had been away from me, from October to June. We wrote letters almost daily and called once a week. The letters were so sweet and he made it seem like I was the one for him. I stuck by his side the whole time he was away never once felt i should date another. He made me feel so "special" and I would be the one he would possibly marry.He has been home for almost a month and things started going down the tubes. I suddenly didn't feel like i was so special anymore as I barely had any alone time with him (always had his son with, freinds over, etc.) He is not the most affectionate person but that never really bothered me before. He is a great man that takes care of his responsiblities and is always honest and loyal. There are many things that had started to bother me the first week he was home such as not having much alone time, stubborness, lack of communication/passion/affection. Although we spent almost everyday togather, there was always someone else around (and we do live seperatly). I just felt like the feelings for me that he said didnt match the feelings he conveyed to me. But i was willing to be patient and wait it out for a bit longer, I figured hed come around.Anyways, this past weekend we went on a small vacation. However again, we were not alone, witch was fine. A few of his freinds, my freinds, and son and freind. The first night I drank heavily and made an ass of myself and kept him up till 5am bugging him and ultimatly did call him something that was untrue and broke up with him. A few hours later he packed everyone up (exept me) and left. I wanted to talk it out, but he was still mad and left. Talked to him sunday and said i need to take care of my drinking problem and that we could remain freinds. I told him that I couldnt be freinds with someone I love. Texted me again monday and said he misses me and still loves me. I apolized right after the incident but he is standing his ground about me being a problem drinker. I think there are underlying issues that caused this, and alcohal certainly didn't help. I did let this get out of control and did black out. I have had issues in the past with drinking a little too much but I am certainly not an alcohalic and think this was taken a little too far. I can quit anytime i choose to and has only effected my relationship this time. I am just really hurt that i am being treated this way seening how I stuck by his side and was so understanding for the 8 mos he was gone. Please help I need extensive advice!!!
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 July 2010):
Well, if nothing else you know the truth about it. Maybe he was looking for an exit and you provided it. Cut him out of your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought so to. So I did ask him to.....and he said that it was already too late =( My thoughts exactly caringguy! I don't know think that he truly knows what love is. He says it was just sex but I think I'm being a little stupid here sticking around. I love him, but do love myself more. Thank you for all your advise. it has helped me straighten my thoughts out more. This guy really isnt the one for me but I am ok with that now. Better sooner than later =) I can even continue to be freinds with him at this point. It is the best choice.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 No. You broke up with him and you have no title for putting limitations to his freedom. If his priority is really making up with you, he will not start a new relationship- of his own initiative.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 July 2010):
Yes. He he loves you and wants to work it out, he should be working it out with you by talking to you, not sleeping around or anything like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think that if he really wants to work it out and truly loves me, that its fair of me to ask that we not sleep around on eachother while we figure things out?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 July 2010):
Yes, his pride did take a beating. The problem is the difference in communication between men and women.
Women speak in hints, and a lot of your actions and words don't always reflect exactly what you're feeling.
Men pretty much take it all literally. Hence why we lack 'tact' and such.
So, when a woman speaks to a man, she'll speak in a hint and expect him to see past it. Much as you did, I suppose. Your words didn't reflect how you felt right there and then. They reflected how you felt over a period of time.
But, a man will take words literally. And he took it all literally.
That's the problem. Plus the fact that men are not as forgiving as women. Hence why he was quick to pull the plug, as such.
Certainly don't remain friends with him if you don't want to (ex's as friends often don't work out anyway). So, maybe call him again and say that you are stopping drinking (and mean it), and would like to talk about fixing this. Explain that you don't think you can remain friends if it ends. But also explain that you are willing to come home and work on the relationship. He'll either say yes, or no. And you can plan what you want when you know what answer he will give.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf thats what it takes, yes! He knows that I would do anything for him. I do lack some self control and excessive alcohal use didn't help a thing. I dont need it to function or be sociable. This was already in my plan to control it whatever the outcome. I really appreciate your respose since you are male and the only help i have been getting is from girlfreinds and the ones who know me are a tad different. I felt it was because I have hardly gotten any attention at all since he has been home and i reacted badly in an out of control way. But the worse thing i did do was dent his pride with verbal abuse. Never before have i done that to him. I have also forgiven him for some things that really hurt me as well. That is why I am feeling this is a bit unfair. Anything else would be greatly appreciated. Also Im not sure if I want to be "freinds". That just makes things worse if things dont work out. I feel awfully guilty for this but dont know if this is the person I truly want to be with if things are so one-sided. He also had issues he needs to work on, but I'm not even sure he would try any harder than he does.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 July 2010):
I'm going to suggest that while you were drunk you did something pretty bad that you may not remember. A guy doesn't just dump his girlfriend, claim she's a problem drinker. Whatever happened must have been pretty bad for him to do that. And to be fair, remember that you did call him something that wasn't true and then broke up with him. I do suspect that while you drunk things got hugely out of hand on your part, and he ended up with his pride in you being severely dented. You may well have stuck by him for 8 months, which I do applaud. But when you call a guy something he's not, act wild when drunk and then split up with him, he's under no obligation to stand by you. At all.
Don't underestimate how seriously a man takes his pride. And more importantly, don't underestimate how easily his pride in a woman can be dented. If you read a lot of posts on here, you'll find that when a man's pride is dented (through an affair, argument and such), he is not so forgiving.
I get the feeling that whatever happened when you were drunk was far more serious that you give it credit for. You say you're not an alcoholic and that you can quit. But he says you've got a problem. So are you going to totally quit and prove him wrong? Because that's the only possible way of getting him back. When you were drunk, you obviously really hurt him. So will you quit and stay off alcohol?
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