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female
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anonymous
writes: I found out that my boyfriend of almost a year, has had an on-line affair with a woman from another country. He's even asked her to marry him. He has no intention of doing so. I was devastated...betrayed...this was the first man I had dated in almost 15 years (I spent time raising my kids)...Part of me wants to dump him in a way that makes him hurt as much as he's hurt me...part of me says, "she's no threat" "who cares" and all of me cries myself to sleep each night.Help! I don't know how to leave him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005): I'm sorry for the pain you are enduring through all this. If it can’t ever be the same again, does that mean it’s the end of your relationship? Rebecca gives you good advice about trust in a relationship and I think, his behaviours are telling you loud and clear what exactly you may have, if you stay. If this isn't how you want to spend the rest of your life, then you must be prepared to leap into the unknown and see what life is without him. But many people want to save their relationships after an online affair and they want to find some way forward. If you are one of those who want to save this relationship, then there are a number of issues that you may need to think about. These include forgiveness and learning to trust again. We talk of "placing our trust" in someone, which shows that it involves his actions rather than just his feelings. He will have to earn your trust back, by staying off the computer and ending this relationship and he will have to prove it to you. You both need to talk this out openly and he needs to be honest with you. Sometimes we just have that amazing reserve of love that enables us to forgive, because our love is stronger than the hurt inflicted. If you can eventually forgive him of this, he must make the promise, it will never happen again. Forgiveness is so important. Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts..so if you want this relationship, please learn to forgive him of his mistake. Would some professional help make a difference? think about this.
All of this will take time. Don’t rush things, the pain and hurt of betrayal can take a long time to heal. Don’t hang onto the hurt unnecessarily but don’t expect some quick fix either! Whatever you decide to do..I wish you the best and please take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Irish
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (8 November 2005):
 What has he said about all this? Why did he ask her to marry him when he had no intention of doing so? Has he given any reasons for his behaviour and has he told you if he is likely to do such a thing again?
A relationship, in which to survive, needs to be built on trust. Your boyfriend may not have had an actual physical affair with another woman but as you know, his behaviour has been deceitful both towards you and to her also.
Dumping him to hurt him as he has hurt you isn't the answer. Dumping him because he is untrustworthy could well be the answer, because you don't want to get hurt anymore, etc.
You have to ask yourself whether you can forgive him and whether you think you can trust him again. Will he work with you towards reclaiming your trust in him? Is he prepared to offer reassurances when things get tough? Is he prepared to understand the reasons why he did this in the first place and work out ways to stop himself from doing it again? Will you both be able to work together towards a better future for both of you?
Sit down together and discuss this and then, on the basis of what he says, rationally consider whether your relationship has a future.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (8 November 2005):
don't think about his feelings. he may not think he's done anything wrong and it's just a bit of harmless fun. some men do tend to think that as long as you don't actually have sex with someone else then you are not doing anything wrong. however, he has been unfaithful and obviously really hurt you. do either of you want to continue the relationship? if so, find out if he does realise he was wrong. if you don't want to continue then just leave. tell him how much he's hurt you. don't try to hurt him. if he has a heart at all then knowing how much he hurt you will hurt him immensely
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