A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I are in college together.Before the winter break started, we had sat down and laid out a bunch of plans that we wanted to do over the break. She was going to spend some time with her family, and some with me. It is the second year we've been dating, but we had just started dating right before the holidays last year so I told her I was fine with her spending the actual holidays themselves with her family. She was going to come back to town (I live in the same town as the college) and we were going to go on some dates and such.Well now she's been home for two weeks and she barely talks to me. When she does talk to me she talks about how much she misses her family, how it's so great to see them again, and if I even try to bring up our plans she'll shoot me down with "you need to understand how important my family is to me."She went on to say that next spring she won't be able to see them much at all as they're buying a new piece of land and building a house and thus will be living in a camper so she can't go visit really. So she said she needs "all the time she can get with them now." She apparently didn't know they were doing this, they only told her about it a day or two after she got home. "Just to let you know, you won't be able to see us much this spring because we're doing this and that to our house."I understand completely why she wants to see her family. I'm not asking her to ditch them. But I also at the same time feel that I'm unimportant to her now. She basically took all the plans we had and tossed them aside because her family made some new plans with their living arrangements. She also barely talks to me now. Like if I text her or call her she never answers. Sometimes she'll answer hours later, always by text, and it's usually a simple "Sorry, my mom asked me to..." and then if I reply she doesn't answer again. I'm confused as to what I'm feeling. I feel unimportant and blown off because of her family, and because she doesn't even respond to my attempts to talk to her anymore. But I also understand seeing family especially if it's true she won't see them for months. What should I do? I love her and don't want this to break us up, but I am honestly missing her like crazy. We had so many plans together and now those are all meaningless. When she's in school we frequently run up against last-minute homework so a lot of times our plans in school don't work out as well either, so I was really looking forward to time alone with her this break, but now I feel selfish and stupid because of this family argument.What's the right thing to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): I am the OP, again
I haven't heard a single word from her at all since I wrote my original post.
There's a part of me that wants to say "there's ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for being silent that long, so this is clearly her dumping me."
There's another part that wants to say "she's busy, occupied, and enjoying her holiday... and me feeling this way is selfish."
I'm just hoping that she'll contact me soon...
A
female
reader, xAx  +, writes (20 December 2012):
 From reading what you recently posted, i feel like i was a bit harsh on you.
It would be nice if she invited you over for a bit but as you said she wants the space. sounds like no compromise can be made.
There's not much you can do really, so yeah, definitely catch up with friends, maybe even the ones you neglected because of studies. If you two are meant to be together, you will be. Just for now, for her, it's family time. So use the time wisely as there may be a time where you may want space! It's not like she's gone forever!
And also sending a card is a very good idea, wishing happiness to all the family :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): OP here
First, she does see her family frequently. She went home to visit nearly every weekend during the semester, which means this issue is not really a new one, but one that's been going on since august. She simply doesn't seem to be able to say to her family "no, I can't come, because my boyfriend and I had plans." The thing I don't know is why. Is she afraid of what her family might say? Or does she actually want to see her family instead of me given a choice?
I was considering talking to her family myself. Maybe sending a nice christmas card. I have met her parents before and they generally seemed to like me, so I think I'd be able to approach them in some way. The thing is, if she really doesn't want to see me and would rather see her family, then we have a deeper problem.
Most of the time we hung out or went on dates during the school year, there was always that pressure of homework and exams over our heads. We found it hard to actually just let loose and enjoy ourselves knowing there was homework due tomorrow or a presentation to give next Monday or whatever. So I was looking forward to this time together, so we'd be able to truly let loose and have a good time with no worries. Instead, she said to me, that she "needs this stress-free time with her family since she never has gotten to see them without worrying about school." She's certainly right, but she's missing that WE also haven't gotten that stress free time either and we need it as much as she needs it with family.
And at the same time, I still feel selfish, like I am expecting too much from her even to ask for a quick call in the evening or a text message telling me about her day and how she's doing. With so many ways to communicate it seems unlikely that someone really couldn't take some time to let their boyfriend know how they are... This is what's bothering me the most.
I'm not sure why she doesn't want me around family, or if that's even the case. I know she said she wants some time alone with them, and that's perfectly understandable. But she seems like she's treating this as all or nothing. Either she's seeing family, or she's seeing me, but never both. If I mention that, she'll just say "that's not it at all!" but offer no further explanations...
I guess the best thing for me to do is to give her space, try to enjoy myself with friends and maybe send that christmas card to her and her family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): I have a different view. What could possibly keep someone so busy with the family that they take hours to respond to calls and messages. I would whole heartedly agree that she wants to spend time with her family and even allow the cancellation of my plans, however I expect a little love , time and attention by phoning and messaging me.
Why does it have to be all or nothing. Compromise in a relationship goes a long way.
When you love someone, you want to talk to them when they are not around or even send a message to say love you and you are in my thoughts. This girl does not seem to be making any compromise or effort to comfort you. What do you want? Are you happy?
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A
female
reader, xAx +, writes (20 December 2012):
I'm sorry but you sound like a immature child. family always comes first and you're selfishness may push her away. give her the space and understanding she wants and she will respect you in return. at the end of the day, family is there through thick and thin and men come and go. I'm not saying you're going to break up but you might if you hound her like this. I understand you miss her and all but it seems to me you're putting your needs in front of hers, which you're in denial about. Yes she made plans, but for a very good reason!!! it's not like she's with another guy, family is obviously important to her and she's only thinking for the future. you two can meet up after she gets back! if you have nothing to do over the Christmas hols and love her like you say you do, make plans so that you're both happy and do the things you wanted after she comes back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): Stop putting pressure on this poor girl! She is with her family. She hasn't seen them probably all semester. Not only that but she does not need to explain to you why she missed your call or didn't call back or was busy. She is with her family! Give her space and let the girl breathe. I guarantee you she is not doing anything but just relaxing and catching up with them. Don't add to the stress. Ok you guys had plans and the plans changed. That's life! And it's not like she blew you off for another guy or to party. It's a family affair that she felt was important. Show her that you are versatile and understanding to change. That way she'll know you are a good match for growth and evolving within your relationship. Both important qualities to make a relationship withstand. One thing I love about my boyfriend is that whenever I go away, visit family and the like, even just go out with a girl friend, he always gives me space. He is so understanding about it. I don't feel pressure to call him back right away or guilt trips or whatever. He leaves me alone and trusts that I love him and probably am genuinely BUSY and will catch up with him when I can. With that said, I have one question. Why didn't she invite you to go with her? Or at least come visit for a few days?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): Just consider that your relationship is on hold until she can't visit her family. Or ask if you can go with her to visit her family.
Usually the family complains when the daughter ditches them for a new boyfriend or even husband. I find it strange that this is the other way round. Could it be she's actually losing interest in you and is just using her family as an excuse?
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