A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Some of you may recognise my story. I met a Personal Trainer who works at my gym. Was not attracted to him at first then gradually got to know a little about him and started growing an attraction. I feel the attraction was mutual as I could read his body language.Cutting a long story short. We exchanged numbers. He did not say why. He did offer a free personal session. We had it and the chemistry between us was immense. We kept staring into each others eyes.I have since found out that he is 45 and I am 53. I suggested coffee a few times and he said yes int he cafe at the gym but never moved it on.On his what app he is always posting pictures of him and his muscles. I posted a few pictures of a contact sheet I had from when I was young modelling and said I want to look like this again.He made no comment - This was on the day of the personal training.There other day i was at the gym with a friend and felt a sense of disappointment because he was not in. I sent him a message and said - I feel most motivated to work out when you are in. Coffee?He messaged back and thanked me for my kind words, then said coffee at the gym but his partner won't like him going out in the evening. He does not want an affair.I was a little taken back by this as I have been told he is single, his Facebook says single. I did not hint that I want an affair and I did not say that I want to go out in the evening. i messaged him back and said that I just wanted to get to know him as a friend. (I suppose deep down I hope for more but not until I get to know him). I was really taken back my his comments as we have hardly communicated and it is all through body language he has come to this conclusion.When he received my response he said being friends was like music to his ears - as I said I did not want an affair either and that I have a life outside as well. I told him how offended I felt by his comment. He has messaged back but I am nervous to open it. I hope he apologises. I am tempted to go to the gym and not open his message and see what he has got to say to me directly. I'm not a one night stand kind of girl and can do without for years. I also can not give myself to someone I have no feelings for.Any comments appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): Hi I've read everything you've written and I hope you understand now that this guy is NOT interested in anything other than friendship. He even went so far as to lie to you to put you off. I'm saying this because from what you've written you still seem to think you may have a chance with him. You say your suggestion for coffee was a friendly thing but it wasn't, was it? Your attracted to him; you've said that all the way through.I've had male friends and I've asked guys out on dates (I'm now married to one of them) but I've also made the mistake of thinking I can get a guy that likes me (in a platonic way) to view me romantically. You can't, you just can't. I'd hate you to waste your time thinking that he'll ever see you as more and hurt yourself in the process. Life's too short and be realistic as to what you can expect from him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 Eh - you could ready his body language, but you forgot that he too could read yours.
He must have seen that you were physically attracted to him, and your invitations to get coffee together and be chummier confirmed that for him. Now, the guy cannot know that yes, you are attracted to him but also you would only get intimate if you know the person well and are in a relationship with him and you would never have an one night stand, etc. etc. He cannot know, and frankly it's none of his concerns . He understood you are attracted, thought " uh-oh, no can do " and nipped it in the bud. In this case, better safe than sorry. I don't think that he meant to insult you or demean you ; he just wanted to not leave any space to possible misunderstandings and signal : red light- don't even go there.
You also have to think that personal trainers get hit on a lot, and also by ladies which do not have your scruples or your slow, gradual approach. Those who want to keep things strictly professional, and / or have a partner they would not cheat on , some times have to really sweat it, and not because of heavy workouts. Because they have to keep being pleasant, kind, sociable, even flirty ( many ladies dig that ) AND make sure that the client does not get any ideas , and some times it's like walking on a tightrope ; a very difficult balancing act. You cannot fault this guy for not being a master ropewalker .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): Update from original posterThank you for all your comments. I know its difficult for you to see what I see. You are all right when you say I was probably reading into things too deeply. Its probably because I have been on my own for so long. I tend to get attention from guys I don't like who are replicas of my past.Last night I went to the gym and the minute he saw me he waved and smiled. He did keep a wide berth from me. Later I was in the quiet room and he came in as I was alone. We spoke for about 15 minutes.I told him how offended I felt about his comment, He did actually apologise numerous times. He stated that the message I send late one evening about missing him at the gym and then hinting coffee - he misinterpreted that to mean coffee that night! He said that it must me a language thing. He is Spanish and said that his English is not good. He spent a while talking about how he is struggling financially and thinking of returning to Spain. He is highly educated so feeling a little frustrated I assume. I said that i picked up on this and hence the idea of a coffee as i too am highly educated and I could give some tips.He is a lovely guy and I am not stupid. I will give him his space. I have opened my arms and offered friendship. If he wants to take that up, its up to him now, He is the same star sign as me (Libra) so I understand how he is feeling..
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 You should not feel offense. He picked up on your interest and has nipped it in the bud. Good for him.
He may be single and has invented a partner to "let you down easy" so to speak.
He did nothing wrong, therefore an apology is not owed by him.
I really think that your interest in him got the better of you and you saw things you wanted to see.
FWIW I had a trainer. We chatted up a lot at the gym 3 times a week. We are friends on facebook, we smile and laugh and talk about personal things. I never for one second thought it was anything other than a professional friendship/relationship. Sounds a lot like your PT relationship? She's a woman. I adore her. But only as a friendly trainer.
I hope you can get over this letdown quickly
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): He sounds like he might be a bit of Jack the Lad type to me. Stating single to the world online but he has a partner? Or is he REALLY single and pretending he has a partner because he isn't interested in you. I wouldn't take it personally, the chemistry I mean, he is a personal trainer and most of them flirt. Even the female ones I know. He took your number to give you a sample session. But at the same time, I wouldn't trust a man who advertise himself as being available but has a partner.
Use the gym and meet a member of it instead. Meet a man somewhere else. It is obvious this one is not interested in anything and he also might be really untrustworthy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): I saw what you wrote before and l think he led you on a bit but Iagree you should have backed off when he didn't move forward with the coffee.He obviously keeps his relationship quiet if his Facebook status says single and people at work don't know. My guess it's so he can flirt with women but keep them at arms length when it suits him.It was a bit mean of him to imply you want an affair when he knows he gave off the impression he was single but you are better off without him. You want a relationship not friendship so move on and look elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (6 October 2016):
I agree with the other posters in that you were reading too much into things.
I also don't think you should read too much into this guy's choice of words when he turned you down. You're feeling insulted because you feel his use of the word "affair" means that he thinks that you're easy or promiscuous. I don't think he means that at all. I think he's realised that you are attracted to him and you're hopeful that it could potentially turn into something more (which you admit is what you were hoping for deep down). HE doesn't want to have an affair and it WOULD be an "affair" to HIM as he has a partner.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 October 2016):
 I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for an apology because from what I've read you're not owed one. I think you've really misread this whole situation.
You're interest in him is pretty obvious, but there is nothing in your post to suggest he feels the same, besides your 'feeling'.
You've made several advances, ALL of which he has politely dodged or declined. If a man agreed to coffee with me but 'only at work', I would never ask again. But you did, several times. And still no coffee.
He posts pictures of himself and his hobby on Facebook, as MOST FOLKS do, but you see this as him flirting with you. Posting your old modelling picture was no doubt seen by him (certainly by me) as flirting/fishing for flattery. No response from him.
I think telling him how offended you were made you look insecure and foolish, frankly.
Perhaps he was a bit too friendly by adding you to Facebook, or having your phone number, but this is NOT PROOF he desires you, nor does it suggest to me he led you on in any way.
I can understand you feel a bit dejected and perhaps embarrassed, but if you're going to continue seeing this trainer (assuming he agrees to continue seeing you), you must treat him as the professional that he is, not the friend or lover you might want him to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): Update by original poster:I went to the gym this evening. When he saw me he waved and smiled at me but kept a wide berth. Later I went to the quiet soft area. I was alone in there. He came in and we spoke. He is Spanish. I sent the last message at 10pm. When I mentioned coffee he thought I meant there and then. He did apologise for offending me. He thinks it was a language barrier. He confirmed that he is single. He explained that he is worked really hard and is thinking of going back to Spain. I explained that my suggestion for coffee was just a mere friendly thing as it appears he needs a little boost career wise. I ve done a lot of things over the yrs as a professional and felt I could give him some tips. I could tell he was alone and a little list and that's what attracted me to him. I ll leave it to see what happens next. A lot of people meant at their place if work.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2016):
 It sounds to me like he was looking to add you on to his client list nothing more. As a personal trainer he is paid to flirt, be friendly. I think you read in to it to much, and it has resulted in him saying he is taking. If you where told he is single, and it says on his profile he is single, then he might just be letting you down gently and not wanting to offend you. Don't expect an apology as am not sure he should be giving you one, he is just simply telling you he wants to keep it professional. I think you are the one that got carried away and wanted more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): Yes, well, if you ask me he's being a bit precious ie "up himself". I read your previous posts and it occurred to me that he may be in a relationship, but like you said you got the impression that he was single. I don't know anyone in a relationship that has their status on Facebook as single - hmm.I agree you rushed in thinking he might be up for a relationship with not really much to go on and after he didn't respond to your initial hints about a coffee you should have backed off. That said, he knew you had a certain interest in him so he could have mentioned early on that he was in a relationship to put you off. He clearly deliberately keeps her quiet if people at the gym don't know. My guess is he loves the attention and leading women on. I don't see where he gets off on saying you are after an affair when he gave you the impression he was single but, be honest with yourself, you weren't/aren't looking for friendship from him.I'd put it down to experience and move on. Don't be put off being friendly but bare in mind if someone doesn't show interest early on it probably won't lead anywhere.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2016):
 This is what happens when people blur lines for business or by just NOT thinking. Him the first, you the latter. (sorry).
He is there to TRAIN people, to cheer them on, encourage, to promote the gym AND himself. HE should have STAYED professional and nipped ANY misunderstanding in the bud. He should have told you from the get-go that coffee sounds great but that he needs to keep professional and not mix business with non-business. It would have been simple. Whether he has single status on FB or not... it's IRELLEVANT and honestly... unless he has invited you to be an "FB friend" none of your business.
You, on the other hand, SHOULD have known that a Personal Trainer will be flirty, friendly and drum up HIS and the gym's business as MUCH as he can. That a PT, in general, is NOT there to pick up women, but to make money for the gym and provide a service for the customers (you) but that this service is about getting YOU fit, nothing more. No socializing etc. He isn't your friend, any more than the lady who washes your hair at the salon or brings you coffee at the spa. He is basically... a PAID employee who provides the customer (you) with a service.
Now you decided that he MUST be interested because of all the flirting, partly perhaps out of wishful thinking, partly because our generation equates flirting with a romantic interest. However, it's VERY used in the service industry, bartenders, servers, PT's, etc. I have met quite a few PT's in my day, some SUPER touchy feely (which made me cringe and switch PT) and some SUPER serious and focussed on the job at hand.
So in the end of the day, you now know he isn't single and he isn't interested. So go from there. Does he owe you an apology? I don't think so. Not really his fault that you misread the situation because YOU wanted a different outcome. However, not YOUR fault he isn't being professional either.
I'd probably switch trainer and/or gym. And I'd keep my work-out to a strict work-out, not a flirting session.
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