A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My ex broke up with me yesterday. She was my first relationship after 4 years. I was her first boyfriend. Weve been together for 3 months and in that time span ive already made her cry 5 times.She's such a sweet and pure girl. She gave me all her firsts and she even shared something personal with me. She told me about the time on her childhood where she was abused and possibly raped and molested. She doesn't have any clear memory about it. She was afraid to give me her first because shes scared of finding out the truth. But then, we did it and there really was no blood. I comforted her as much as i can during that time. Months later after that, because of many insensitive and stupid things i said which made her cry, she decided to end it. All was fine with us giving each other closures. And we were about to walk our seperate ways but i said something yet again, insensitive. I asked her if i was really her first. I dont know why i said that. I knew the reason why there was no blood. I knew the fcking reason. But i dont know why i said it and i regret it. I tried to apologize, i hugged her tight, held her close but she was done. I was the only one she shared that to and i messed it up. She made the most empty expression when i said that. Then she said that what i said made her realize that she really doesnt know me. She regrets ever meeting me. Now, she treats me like im dead and wont even talk to me. Im doing my best to stay away but shes always on my mind.Im lost on what to do right now. Im starting to think that im not worthy of being in a relationship. Im not worthy of being her first boyfriend. Im insensitive, dense and an asshole. I deserve this pain but that's not the case for her. She doesnt deserve all this hurt. I dont know how to make up to her. I really need advice on what to do. If only i could stay away as much as possible, but we have mutual classes and i can see her pretty much every weekday.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2018): Thanks anonymous reader for going easy on me. I was losing confidence in myself as a decent human being. But what you said made me think better about my current situation. Thank you
-OP
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 August 2018):
 Put it simply to her: "if we can't date, I understand, but I can't be your friend because I don't want that". Ask for a simple answer, then move on. If she says she can't date you, wish her well and block her. Do NOT plead with her or keep apologising.
Point is, OP, she likes you, but can't trust you not to hurt her. That means dating won't work out, but neither will being friends. It's just up to you both to accept that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2018): Everyone is quick to hate on OP, but I do think his ex is giving him mixed signals by calling him, telling cat stories, then ignoring him in person. I 200% agree that no means no, but why is SHE reaching out to him?
What you did is wrong. You don’t need us to tell you what you already know. The best thing you can do is go full no-contact. Block her number & and be quiet at school. This isn’t malicious, but staying in contact will not help either of you.
Also- I get the feeling you’re not 21, AKA legal drinking age. I’m not judging- but the consequences are harsh for getting caught underage. Additionally, you should NEVER use alcohol to heal from any situation. That’s how you develop a problem & an extraordinarily unhealthy coping mechanism. Surround yourself with good friends & family, journal, exercise, volunteer, read, etc. to heal. I highly recommend a therapist if you cannot move past this (btw, speaking with a counselor should be shame-free and I think most of us could benefit from it)
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (3 August 2018):
Let it go and be nicer to the next one.
That's all you need to do. There will be others- just be as decent a guy as you can without being a wimp. And figuring out how to balance on that tightrope is the beginning of a lifetime's labour, so get to work learning.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2018): Idk what to do. . You guys say that i should leave her alone. . I did that but she's still the one who contacts me first. . Again, last night, she texted me asking if its okay for her to call me. I didnt immediately reply as i was dumbfounded because she contacted me again thorugh her number. The number which she ordered me to delete from my phone aside from all the social media accs on my phone. So, we talked. She told me about her day, what she's currently watching, what happened to her cat and much more. . We ended up talking on the phone for 4 more hours. Those calls are like when we were still together. She doesnt sound mad or anything, she just told me about her day. When we said shes about to sleep, she insisted that i should keep talking throigh the phone. . So i kept talking about my day too, what i felt, about how i feel most songs i hear are playing against me. Then we finally said goodnight to each other. The next morning, i tried talking to her in person and as expected she ignores me. I dont know what to think anymore. . Should i really just stay away? Yet she keeps me falling back in.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2018):
 I think you need to leave her alone.
Pure and simple.
I get that it's NOT nice to realize that YOU were a dick to her, but you were. So learn from this and don repeat it in the future with ANOTHER girl.
NOT respecting her CHOICE to no longer date you or have anything to DO with you - is NOT loving her. It's NOT fighting for her. It's just PURE disrespect.
LEAVE her alone. IF............. She at some point wants to talk to you, acknowledge you or have ANYTHING to do with you, then TALK. OTHERWISE - leave her alone.
NO means no, OP
Better learn that REAL quick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2018): You're both young and immature and have a lot to learn about yourselves and relationships. Neither of you is capable of handling an adult relationship right now. OP, you aren't a monster. Just young. So, I'm not going to be mean like everyone else. Just lay low for awhile. She will contact you if she cares enough once she's ready.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 August 2018):
THIS IS HARASSMENT! She TOLD you to leave her alone.
You are essentially STALKING her because she doesn’t want you to talk to her any more.
I hope she blocks you and you get therapy to TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
Don’t talk to her friend about it because her friend clearly doesn’t listen to her either. Leave her alone. Now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2018): "All the things you did for me was real, but you never really accepted me. You never really accepted my past. So all the feelings I had for you was not real. It was all an illusion I made myself believe. It was a perfect fantasy. But fantasies never lived up to reality. And my reality slapped me countless of times before. I need to wake up. I need to run". Ive talked to her best friend about this, and she thinks i need to do everything i can to repair this. If i truly love her, giving up is not option. I should fix what ive broken and never let go. Im lost, idk who to listen to. Please talk some sense into me. Im an insensitive, dense, stupid jerk who is not worthy of being in a relationship-OP
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2018): OP here, something bad happened last night. I was out with my friends drinking the night away when she suddenly messaged me through facebook. She opened the convo by sharing to me a story about her cat. I was happy when she contacted me. It was as if it was all but a dream. Everything was fine talking about random things but drunk me decided to open the topic of our breakup.Things started to get serious. . I apologized for what i did, explaining what caused me to say that. But it feel on deaf ears. She says she doesnt want my apology. She kept saying that i should let her go. But i kept denying her. Things developed to long speeches about why i cant let her go and stuff like that. One memorable thing that she said was that im a bad memory. Ive ruined her trust. What i said to her was really out of character for me. Because i never really accepted her past, her love for me was just an illusion. But i dont believe that what we had wasn't real. She says that shes incapable of trusting someone again. She also said that shes not capable of forgivibg me. My actions caused her to think twice about the sincerity of other's actions. I really broke her. God, i need to stay away before i cause more damage. I need to, but i dont want to. I was too drunk, i wasn't able to control myself from hurting her again by talking about our break up again. Im sorry guys, im hopeless
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 August 2018):
STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF! That's why the relationship failed. LEAVE HER ALONE.She can't heal if she gets a letter from you. If someone starts healing from a wound, you don't stab it again or remind them!Seriously, STOP being selfish. You KNOW you're being selfish and stubborn, so stop. You were a jerk. You apologised each time, but never learnt. This letter would be just another apology that shows her you haven't learnt.Learn what is appropriate and what is insensitive. Sending her a letter isn't appropriate and IS insensitive because she just wants you to go away.Damage is done. You can't make it right, but you CAN make it worse. If you send her a letter, you'll make it worse.We are telling you why and you refuse to listen. Do NOT contact her. Write the letter if you must, but do NOT send it or give it to her.Accept your guilt and learn from it. Do NOT continue to bother her.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 August 2018):
 Stop thinking about any form of contact or relationship with her. Leave her alone full stop, don’t try to play the victim here acting like you’re sad and upset, YOU created this mess. She was your GF and you were completely insensitive to her, this is all your own doing. All you have done is hurt her, you’re no good for her.
She might still look at your profile but that doesn’t mean she wants to hear from you, she trusted you and you hurt her. Forget about contacting her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2018): But i want to let go of these thoughts and i cant do that unless i put it into words and tell her how i feel. I know im selfish, stubborn even but is till want to make thibgs right. Im a weak person i cant keep bottling up these feelings until it causes me to self destruct. I want to apologize one last time. But i dont know if i should. Im lost. I dont know what to do. Of you really think I shouldn't send that letter, please tell me why
-OP
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 August 2018):
Leave her alone. No letters! Stop being selfish, OP.You messed up. Accept it. Understand it. Learn from it.It should not be possible to upset someone you're supposed to care about that many times in only 3 months. You will never have a successful relationship if you can't fix whatever caused it.In her position, I wouldn't want to receive that apology, knowing you never learned from your mistakes, just kept apologising. It has no value and will just bring it back up for her. Leave her be.Also, drink responsibly and don't retreat to gaming. Put your guilt to good use and do something worthwhile. Personal growth needs to happen fast because it's not just girlfriends you can hurt with your insensitivity.Write the letter, but do NOT send it. Give her clothes back through a mutual friend, but DO NOT CONTACT HER.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): Op here again, I also plan on sending her a letter. I'll wait a couple of days then I'll send her clothes left from my apartment with an apology letter through our mutual friend. Il do what you say and just learn to live without her. I feel empty without her, but thats what i deserve for my mistake. Do you thibj there's still a chance of us returning to even just friends?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): OP here, i know i dont to deserve to be forgiven. Ive destroyed both our relationship and friendship. What i said was unforgivable. I know that. Im doing my best to drown away my thoughts of her with gaming and alcohol. But everytime, my train of thought always drifts right back at her. Shes always on my mind. Also, ive noticed she's still opening my fb account every now and then. It shows that she still thinks about me and that made me happy. A little part of me still hope i could salvage a fraction of our friendship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): You've learned a very valuable lesson. You know how deeply words can injure a person. In-fact, you seem to know that very well; which is why you did it. There are consequences for what you say to people. What comes out of your mouth also tells people what you have in your heart. That also defines the kind of person that you are.
Leave her alone. Stop trying to clean it up for the sake of your guilt. You did it again and again. So the more you repeat an offense, the less sincerity you have in your apology. Your apology is meaningless right-now.
Learn to control your temper. You were cruel and abusive to someone you knew suffered from assault. Don't take such a thing lightly, because it is quite serious.
Leaving her alone is the best thing you can do right-now.
The only thing you should do is, accept that it is over!
In a few weeks; sit-down and write a heart-felt letter of apology. Just an apology, safe all your other thoughts. They don't matter. Mail it to her. Do not go near her.
You do not need a reply, and DO NOT send anything by text or social media. Mail the letter to her. Then stay away from her. The letter is not to gain you brownie-points, or to change her mind. It is to let her know you are truly sorry, and you will make it up to her by staying away from her.
You can have mutual classes and still mind your own business. You don't talk to everybody you see! Just let her be one of those people you see in your peripheral-vision. Respect her space, and stay out of her way. Right-now, eye-contact is subtle-harassment. If she looks away, do the same. Avoid her like somebody you owe money!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): Admitting you were and have been an asshole is a step in the right direction. Now leave her be and work on yourself before you enter another relationship.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (31 July 2018):
Firstly, this isn't biblical times and even then women don't have a seal to be popped like a coffee jar, so no blood means the sum total of fuck all. Tampons, riding horses, falling awkwardly, or absolutely nothing could have been the cause of 'no blood' like it was a big deal if she was a virgin anyway. Secondly, it was insensitive, so she should have kicked you into the long grass. Not just a bit, like about as awful as it could possibly have been, so do feel bad, like you betrayed a good person's trust to bolster your own ego for a long time. Regret it into your forties.My final worry is that your 'blood' test made her believe that she had definitely been raped. You can't be sure and neither could she. Any child abuse is awful but you not believing her and wondering if she lied to you about other guys is doubly traumatising for a victim. All to just make sure you were the first. I have no words.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 July 2018):
It’s over, accept it.
You were an asshole with her. What the hell kind of comment was that to make? Why would she want to be with someone that quite clearly treats her like shit? Leave her alone and grow the fuck up before thinking about getting into another relationship.
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