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*old4this
writes:So my wife and I have been married 8 years. I love my wife and we have a 4 year old together. Currently we are trying to buy a home. Most things are pretty good. She is someone who craves people to talk to and she gets that with a few friends from church as well as the church in general. I am a home body so when she goes out to church functions or she goes and sees her friends I mostly don't have a problem with that. We do spend quality time together. But when she goes to her friends, she over does it and often doesn't seem to care about my feelings. For instance, right now she's over there. She went around noon and she swore she wouldn't be all day. It is currently 9pm. I called her once and asked what she was doing because she told me she was only going to be a few hours. She said she was doing something with that friend and her husband. I reminded her that I was leaving at 7 in the morning and wouldn't be back for a week for work. That was over 2 hours ago. This type of thing seems trivial but she keeps doing this almost every time she goes out. I have talked to her and practically begged her to start learning how to be an adult and come home when she says and learn how to cut things short. It's like she doesn't care. I'm not sure what else to do or say to get her to understand how serious this is and how it feels that I must not be very important to her. Things like anger and divorce go through my head. But I don't really want that I just want her to grow up. She's over 35. I just don't know how to get through to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2018): Read the book Crucial Conversations. You could also see if a training is available in your city. It will show you how to have those difficult conversations and get your point across.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2018): You are leaving for a week long business trip and your wife has spent at least 9 hours with a “friend and her husband?” You have greater problems then your wife’s alleged lack of maturity. Here’s the thing I don’t understand. She was like this before you married he, she was like this before you scrambled your dna or was she? Has something changed? If so what?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2018): How does going out all day make her immature? If you want to spend more time with her, YOU mature up and take initiative. Plan a date, get intimate, or try something new together. She sounds like a great woman who has energy and is enjoying life. You sound boring and lazy! She's probably bored of your relationship. Get off the couch. Quit giving her a curfew cuz that's just annoying and she doesn't need to pacify you every time you call.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): Oddly enough I' m taking your part. Of course there is nothing wrong with church on Sunday but church all day is stretching it.I think it indicates a bit of disrespect that she doesnt want to spend time with you and as suspicious as I am I would end up thinking I was just the baby sitter.Saying its her friend and her husband doesnt improve it for me.But Wise owl is so often on the nail with these things!I dont think I'd want to be talking divorce so fast and clearly your child needs a baby sitter but church to me is just that and doesnt include long hours socialising afterwards.Perhaps you could all go to church as a family and you could meet these very special friends.After all church is suppossed to be about families socialising together as a unit.And families supporting each other as a family.As it currently stands she is the golden gal with time for church and family and you are the designated killjoy who doesnt join in.Except as Wise Owl says she must get lonely sometimes if you are away a lot.I hope she isnt just escaping you, rather like kids do when they tell their parents they are going to the library for a couple of hours and actually head off elsewhere.I would get a sudden family interest in the church and take a renewed joy in turning up altogether for family worship. Then you invite her friends back to your house for Sunday Lunch for the following Sunday.You fix up something quickly edible with plenty of fresh loaves, rather symbolically and a little red wine or non alcoholic drink.Then you go out of your way to get to know the friends husband on pleasant and respectful terms and you call time when youve had enough company for a Sunday.Its not about a curfew.Its about finding time for yourselves after a little bit of socialising.Church is an excuse for some and a labour of love for others but you have to make the effort to know peoples names and a little bit about them to get the friendship ball rolling.So join in and see exactly what is going on. If its all kosher you may get to enjoy your weekends more than ever.If its not, you will soon find out what is really going on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): How about taking your wife out and having some fun? She relies on church and friends to do things. Why don't YOU grow-up, and be a good husband? Instead of bossing her around; and setting curfews for an adult, as you've described her to be.
She IS growing-up, and probably growing "OUT" of your marriage. Church-people don't usually go out carousing in bars or clubs! They spend time together in fellow-ship, praying, and visiting sick people in the hospital, or the home-bound. Doing as the scriptures ask her to do.
She's lonely. While you're lying around being a couch-potato; she's burning-off her energy. You're basically antisocial; like most home-bodies are.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging you for staying home, or saving money. I like resting and enjoying my lovely house after long hard hours; but my mate and I get out and go dining, bowling with our friends, shows, road-trips, and concerts. Work schedules keep us apart; so we GO OUT and do things TOGETHER, for fun and relaxation. We take turns making plans and coming-up with ideas.
She's showing signs of loneliness, boredom, and neglect. The tone conveyed in your post is controlling and unpleasant. So her outings are also an escape. I think her friends are taking care of her. If they are church-friends; they are doing their moral-duty, and offering her comfort and support.
If you're suspecting she's up to something; you can curb or avert that by being the one taking her out!
"Quality-time" by definition is a time set-aside to do things together. It's obligatory and mechanical, just as the term implies. It's not that she doesn't care, it's more like she wished you did! Maybe hanging-out with friends is more satisfying than sitting around being ignored for hours on-end. You're getting lazy and complacent. A bore! She's young and energetic! She likes to talk to people. She's sociable and friendly! That seems delightful!
You stew in your anger and think of a divorce as your solution? How about treating her to some fun and romance? Taking a day-cation to the beach; or a romantic-weekend at a country inn? Treat her like you did when you were courting.
People tend to "over-do-it" out of deprivation and emotional neglect. When something is missing in their lives and relationships; when something good comes their way. Like a love-starved little-child; they'll gorge themselves with goodies! They'll want to stay out with their friends! They don't want to go home!
Want her to come home? Give her a reason to want to be there!
If you threaten her with divorce; don't be surprised if she eagerly takes you up on it!
Women write DC constantly about their lazy bossy-husbands. Guys who just hold-on to them like property. Thinking that she should be satisfied with the fact you provide and pay the bills. All mean and grump. Showing no affection, until you want to climb on top of her.
Marriage is more than that!
You don't have to spend a lot money to take a drive to the shore, take a walk in the park, go out for ice cream, and hold-hands. It's not the same, when you force yourself to do the "family-thing." Load everybody in the car; and begrudgingly give-up your TV-time to pretend you want to spend time with them. Come home, sit around on a device; ordering her around; or pissed-off, because she didn't jump when you said jump.
If she's a Christian, she knows she must honor her husband. Oh, I just recalled...that goes both-ways!
Too bad she doesn't get to tell her side of this.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 July 2018):
 If she does not have a crush on her friend's husband, it could mean she is having so much fun with them she otherwise wouldn't have if she stayed home with you and her daughter. Even if she came home at 5, she still has to make time with you and daughter special. The church encourages you to socialize, but also to create a home environment where everyone flourishes. Maybe because you are non religious she doesn't take it seriously? She obviously does not want to sit at home and watch TV. She met friends and hanged out with them as a substitute when you are away for work. She overdoes it hoping you are just at home recharging. You may not want to plan events after a week of work. One crucial thing is to have a talk and to ask if she is still happy in the marriage. It looks like you two are growing apart. When you say grow up, I imagine teenagers with no responsibility in life. For a married woman, I have to wonder if she has a reason for not wanting to come home. She may just be dropping off her daughter for you to take care of, because it's your turn after a full week with her.
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