A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:She was in an intense intimate relationship with a guy the previous year. It ended when he left town apparently to pursue a relationship with another girl with whom he might have made a baby.With her he was very careful. She was on nothing. He took the initiave and introduced the vaginal spermicide tablet probably because the condom is less fun.We were early twenties when this happened.I met her quite by accident and while we were still casual friends within a few weeks we found ourselves on our own and the sex just happened. She fell pregnant from that one time and we got married.She said that having had sex she liked it and took a chance. I did not expect it to happen and was unprepared for the occasion. She was using nothing.Now, a few years later, I am left feeling that she was in serious rebound and ended up with me as second prize because of the baby.Girls/guys who know of this, please let me have your take
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (16 September 2011):
I think it's very likely that she was in rebound and that she did marry you as a "second prize" because of the baby. I mean, you weren't already dating or courting each other, let alone in a serious intimate relationship. You basically went from casual friends to marriage because a one-time unprepared-for sexual encounter led to pregnancy.
IMO this is not what marriage is supposed to be and it's a set up for disaster further down the road. But I can understand why you did it, because there are many conflicting ideas and beliefs of what marriage is and isn't supposed to be about and what the "right" thing to do is.
So you have to figure out where you stand in your personal beliefs on what the purpose of marriage is, what it should and shouldnt' be about, to figure out what to do about your situation.
Some questions to ask yourself: why did you get married to her, if you didn't know her that well? what did you expect marriage would be like, or what do you believe marriage should be?
Since you married her without knowing her very well, that suggests to me that you that you feel marriage is a duty and obligation to children, and thus how much you like your partner is not that important. If so, then maybe you also believe that marriage is to be for life and no second-chances and you dont' get to leave (because these attitudes are consistent with the idea of obligation and duty). If this is so, then your options to reconcile your personal values and your unhappiness is to try to work on your relationship with your wife to improve it and make it as tolerable as possible even though it may never be a happy relationship (if you're lucky it will turn out to be happy), and to learn to cope with your feelings of unhappiness. It may take many years to learn to love each other (if you married someone for love, then it would be easier to love each other). But it could be possible. And if it's not possible to have a happy satisfying relationship, it could be possible to learn to cope with your unhappiness effectively.
But if you believe that marriage should be about love and and voluntary commitment (meaning, you commit to someone because you love them not because you have no choice) then you may want to evaluate your marriage and whether it has the potential to be this at all. there's a reason that it's always advised to choose and seriously consider whether to marry someone or not, it's because it's just not possible to be happy with anyone and everyone just by the fact of signing marriage papers with them first. Compatibility, personal values, backgrounds, relationship-skills, mental health...all these factors have a huge impact on whether a marriage will be a happy one or a detrimental one. Your marriage could by chance have the right combination of qualities, but since you married without really knowing each other, I'd say that chances are low that you are "right" for each other. If you believe that marital quality should supercede duty/obligation, then maybe you should consider ending the marriage while you're both still young enough to more easily move on to find other people who would be better partners for you both, and before your child reaches the age where divorce would have more negative impacts on them.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Not entirely sure what your question is...
Have you always felt that you were second prize since you've been with her or is this a feeling that's cropped up recently?
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