A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married and in love with a married man. It's the same old story as so many of the other stories on this site. Over the weekend, his wife broke into his phone and found out about me. i texted him yesterday morning not knowing this had happened and he told me he would TTYL. "Talk to you later".....I was concerned that his wife was going to show up on my doorstep. I wanted to be the one to tell my husband if that's what had to be done. So, I texted him this morning and asked if I should be worried she was going to show up. He responded back and told me "no, that it has been a very difficult 24 hours for him, that it's not going to get any better for him anytime soon." He also said that I should "not contact him like he asked yesterday because if she sees any more correspondence to or from me it won't be good." He told me to "chill". I can only speculate what he is trying to tell me but I'm a little confused. I have a feeling that he does not want me to disappear entirely and that he will be back.Also, before you all jump on me, I have already considered leaving my marriage because I broke my vows. I don't want to leave to be with this other man. I would leave because I don't think its fair to my husband. I'm trying to figure out how I can do that successfully.My question is this....I was just about to send him an email telling him that I was tired of being an option for him and not a priority. I was going to end it. And then he tells me that his wife found out. What do I do? I don't want to contact him because that could make things worse for him. Do I just disappear and not contact him again or do I wait for him to contact me again and then end it when the coast is clear?I'm pretty much stuck because he asked me not to contact him right now!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 October 2013):
 Serial poster: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-got-caught-would-he-lie-to.html
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): If you were wanting to end it then what's the problem? Just disappear. Seems like perfect timing. Or were you wanting to just pretend to end it to get his attention? I also don't know why mistresses like to say they are not the priority. Well guess what, the wife isn't either. How can the wife be the priority when he has been regularly spending time away from her with you? When you knew about her all along but she didn't know about you? He expends more effort to see you than her, since seeing you requires logistical planning and careful covering of tracks. So it doesn't make sense to say you are not a priority just an option. Everyone is an option. Including the wife. When wives find out about their husbands affairs they go nuts and feel devastated. They don't feel smug like "I am the priority since he is married to me not you." Instead they feel betrayed and self confidence destroyed. Whereas you (the mistress) don't feel this shock and devastation or that your whole world is crumbling, because you knew about the wife all along. It is easier on you. Therefore don't envy the wife, pity her. There is no priority here whether you or her. Yes he would choose to drop plans with you to attend to her and not vice versa but that isn't because she is his priority. He only does that to maintain his cover so she doesn't find out about the affair (why he wants to keep the marriage who knows.) His top priority is himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@female anon...thank you for your response. Actually no I have not pressed for more time lately. We did just go through a rough patch and we were back on track this past week. He had been pulling away because of circumstances though. We had plans to get together. We always talked on a regular basis, in fact at least every day over text. At times I questioned whether it might have been too much but he would always tell me no. He's always known that if I was doing something that bothered him he just had to tell me and I would fix it if I could. So, I do somewhat believe when he says he got caught but there is always that uncertainty in this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): Response to your answerMine was a very long story of lies, mind games, contradictions, and then the ultimate, I was led to believe that I was the love of his life, he came to me during a very abusive marriage and a lot of vulnerabilty on my part, I went against all my morals to be with him and then found out after a lot of suspicions that he was actually pursuing/seeing someone else at the same time, he had kept us apart as much as he could,,,,,and I caught him in his lies. He had been back and forth with me,,,,,,,and her as well. So clearly and even though he begged and pleaded with me, swore I was wrong, I never really believed him since. A few months later, he text me saying his wife had gone through his phone and 'gone mad' but never said it was over, just kept me hanging on,only to tell me a while later " Ive been expecting you to say you've had enough"None of what he told me about his wife made sense, he would text me normally as though it hadn't happened most days,in fact his story would change within the hour, but then not contact me for a few days,,things which happened after that told me it wasn't about the wife at all.I always thought it was his way of trying to make me do the 'ending',,,,,,I didn't, I chose to believe he was just wired differently than other people and he strung me along for a further two years with false promises and talk of me being the love of his life,,,,,,,he is STILL telling me the same to this day!If you have already been feeling that something didn't add up, and now he has dropped this on you, no matter how much it may hurt, let it go now and avoid further hurt for yourself.Have you questioned his sincerity at all lately? pushed him for more time?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@female Anon.....I have felt the same way and question really whether or not his wife did find out. Did you ever learn if your MM was fabricating being caught or not?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 October 2013):
 You wanted to end the affair and he has asked you NOT to contact him...seems like it's the perfect situation and everyone wins!...so what's your problem?...
Or are you just pretending you want things over to test and see if he will come back to you or treat you any better? (which he won't)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): "I was going to end it. And then he tells me that his wife found out. What do I do?"
Nothing.
You don't have to end it because it's already over, it ended the instant his wife found out which is how most extra-marital affairs end, not by the philanderers' choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): Hi, I've been through this myself so know how it feels.First of all you say you was about to tell him you'd had enough of NOT being a priority,,clearly you got deeply involved (like I did),and then it wasn't enough for you feeling like an option.Are you absolutely sure he is telling the truth about his wife finding out??,,I had all the same words as you ,,bad 24hrs,,,,won't get better anytime soon,but hey, hang on there for me,,,I did,,and worried myself sick that his wife would turn up at my door,,,,,,or at my work (we worked together)...she never did!! I felt that maybe he was fabricating it all so that I would back off, I had also started to question his loyalty beforehand. have you previously had an arrangement where you can contact him regularly??........to tell you to just chill is really not helping you is it, and IF he is going through it at home right now,,common decency and respect would allow him to find two minutes just to reassure you.If you have come to the conclusion that you'd already had enough,,,maybe the best thing to do would be to let this go now, sure as hell he will come back to you when things die down (mine did),,,,,but you will still be at the place you was before all this trouble.......a second choice,,and an option, and in on the bargain he will know he can pick you up and drop you anytime he wishes when the heat is on with (my wife is suspicious).Hope it turns out okay for you.It hurts,,,,but I allowed it and I know the outcome.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (1 October 2013):
 You're not stuck, you can decide it's over and disappear right now. You don't have to wait for the coast to be clear to end it. Who cares if he intends to "be back", if you've decided it's over? If he does reappear, simply tell him it's over and that you're busy working on your marriage (even it's busy working on the ending of your marriage).
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