A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in love with two men at the same time. Yes, it IS possible. I have been putting myself under great stress because I've been unable to choose which one I ought to stay with and whom I should let go. I am very compatible with one man and we have the same dreams and desires. But he's much older than I am and twice divorced. I am incompatible with the other man (closer to my age, never married and somewhat irresponsible) but I care a lot about him and I am very used to him, he's like a family member whom one might not "like" but love tremendously. I have revealed the truth to both of them because it seemed unfair not to let them know. They have both given me an ultimatum...that I have to decide, and decide NOW. My mind says I ought to go with the former because I'd be happy with him, but my heart clings to the wrong one because I am used to him, I trust him and I also feel sorry for him because he's very dependent upon me in many ways.What would you have done had you been in my shoes?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): I think you should leave both of them. don't stay with the younger guy just because you feel sorry for him. If you don't want to "abandon" him then don't - who says you have to abandon someone just because you break up with them (unless he doesn't want to see you anymore). you can still be friends and help him out with his problems if you want, just that you will have to draw new boundaries and be less involved than before, that's all.as for the older guy. you may be compatible but are you actually interested in him? also the age difference and his previous marriages will cause problems in your relationship. Doesn't mean it can't work out, just that it will be more difficult. I assume that he still has some 'baggage' from his previous marriages? e.g. children with his previous wives so he is still in contact with the ex wives and maybe they will cause drama in your relationship or he will have to choose his children over you when it comes to some argument about how he spends his time and money.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 The only thing you feel for guy 2 is comfortablity. You "love" him but don't love him in that way. You don't settle for a guy because of comfortablity. You pick someone that has it all, that you feel comfortable with in addition to love and everything else. I think you aren't having a problem choosing, but a problem letting go of the man you feel sorry for. It will have to happen. Ending up with him would never last and would make you both very unhappy. No one wants to be a pity husband and your sadness and arguments would wear you both down over time. It would be a foolish choice to be with someone because you feel badly for them.
So choose number one or neither of them. Maybe you can remain friends with guy 2. But he isn't for you relationship wise or long term.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's 17 years older than I am. It's not a problem for me, nor do I think it's wrong to be a divorcee because relationships often don't work out and it doesn't imply that a person was necessarily at fault or not relationship material. I really, really admire and respect him. He has all the attributes I've always wanted in a partner. You're right. I feel incredibly sorry for the other guy because he's all alone in this world (no family), makes incredibly stupid decisions all the time and relies on me to solve all his problems, whether emotional or financial. I feel guilty about letting him go because he'd suddenly have to be on his own. If only he'd fall for someone else, I would be free of such worries. Basically, I don't want to abandon him because I fear about how he'll manage. We don't see eye-to-eye about most things but I always feel a strong protective urge towards him. I hate to see him unhappy, though he does make me terribly unhappy on a regular basis. Also, I'm incredibly used to having him around. He's like an old book, or a teddy bear...something that's a part of your comfort zone. Something you've grown to accept as a part of your surroundings. I don't mean to sound condescending or denigrate him at all. But our love never brought me happiness. Maybe it's selfish to focus so much on my own happiness but if I'm with him, maybe my unhappiness will erode into his happiness.I'm rambling on and on...I'm so confused and desperate. Thank you for your insight, SVC.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): Being an Indian myself it's not indeed difficult for me to understand your dilemma. Divorces are still considered a social taboo here and the icing on the cake is the age difference factor (that's not my personal belief, I respect everyone as human beings, marital status or age are not the stereotypes to judge people). But, what makes him more eligible is his compatibility with you.Coming to the second man, from social point of view he would be just fine to get married to, but DON'T overlook your happiness, he's just an addiction, a habit which is difficult to get rid of, but not impossible.So, from a completely neutral perspective I would advice you to severe all ties with both of them (yeah, that would hurt temporarily, but in the long run you're going to be happy). Why would you settle for less than you deserve? Why would you compromise your happiness? You would probably get a lot of men in your life, perhaps better than those two. Life's just once, don't spoil it owing to some momentary impulses or cliches like 'same dreams and desires' or 'tremendous love'. People DO remain HAPPY despite having different goals of life and people DO fall OUT OF LOVE although sharing similar perspectives.The root cause of your double-mindedness is not the options, but you yourself. You need to know what YOU want, not what THEY want you to do (that is the 'ultimatum'). You (probably) want to tie the knot with someone who's ideals and notions are similar to yours and at the same time he's unmarried, matured, sincere and lovable with little age difference. There it is! Find a man who has all these attributes, rather than finding two who have some of these traits in common.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Do not be with someone because you feel sorry for them.
IF you can't decide then you decide NEITHER...
because the truth is that when the right one comes along it's a no brainer... in other words you will know... you won't have to ask..
the thing is if you love the first guy and the only things that concern you are his two divorces and his age, those things are not always predictors of what you should do.
you say he is much older... how much older 15 years? 20 years? 30 years....
as for divorced... well I've been divorced... and I'm older than my partner, thankfully he did not care about either thing...
so I think that you love the first guy but feel an obligation to the second and that's clouding your judgement on the first.
do you really want to choose a guy who you feel sorry for?
do you really want a man who is dependent on you for ANYTHING as a partner?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 You can ditch both of them. The only right guy for you is the one which your mind and heart will unite together and say yes. No need to settle. Start with a clean slate so your new man doesn't have to hear about you being torn with a choice, because in that situation the man being picked feels like he's just better than the other one (or worse, the lesser of the two evils), and not because he's special and can sweep you out of your feet.
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