A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:If you had been with your partner for a couple of years, had a child together, lived together and everything was wonderful (never ever argued) what would you think if this happened to you?You get given a diamond ring, on your engagement finger on your birthday? I assumed he wanted to marry me. But on that night when asked by a friend he said "oh god no!" with a disgusted look on his face.That broke my heart and it's never been the same since. He never did ask me (it's been years now) and he is angry I am upset by it. He goes on about "just a piece of paper" and that it's superficial. I don't care about a ring. I just wanted to know the man I have children with loves me as much as I love him. Just wanted to feel special and wanted for once. He can't understand why I would think that was an engagement ring and why being proposed to meant so much to me. That combined with not getting me birthday presents or being romantic makes me feel very much unwanted. I wish he'd just tell me the truth, either he doesn't want me, let me go so I can get on with my life or he can start showing me he loves me. I can't waste anymore years feeling this worthless. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): I am trapped though, I can't afford to drive and have nowhere to go. Of course he is responsible for my emotional needs, what am I supposed to do, have an affair? I don't have the opportunities to make myself happy.
I don't have time for myself, I don't have the money to be able to finance any choices I'd like to make. I gave up a degree, my friends (for they live miles away) and a career for this family. I'd love to study again, but I can't afford to. His hours are erratic so I cannot work part time. I don't have choices or control over my own life and it's very frustrating. Just a bit of sex or romance would make life easier to get through. He gets rewarded for his work, nights out and parties that I don't get to go to, I get no appreciation for what I do.
Surely that's not too much to ask? He promises to make effort to keep me hanging on. I just want what I thought I was getting myself into. The man he was in the beginning.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): It seems to me that you are content in throwing yourself a big pity party and that you are expecting this man to take care of all your emotional needs and that he is solely responsible for making you happy.
Guess what that is called a soul sucking girlfriend. He is not responsible for your every happiness, he gets up puts his two feet on the ground and goes to work most days of the week and is out the door where your work is at home. You are a bored housewife, talk to him about getting a babysitter or taking the kids to mom's day out or something to get you some time to yourself to do something that fills you up. Take responsibility for your own happiness, you have made these choices on your own, you aren't even bound legally to this man, so what the hell are you whining about. If you don't like it, if you want to be a spoiled brat and leave him then take your kids and go......kids do not fair well in a loveless home, as hard as it is to take them out of the house they grew up in, if love doesn't live there then it isn't a home.
Get some counseling first for yourself answer your own questions, make your own decisions and become who you want to be.....and sometimes we have to make a decision right, if you made this life willingly without the marriage licencse then you are not right to blame him for this life you chose. If your needs have changed, then communicate them to him without all of the blame and self righteous indignation and you might just get what you came after.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): Thing is he doesn't take responsibility either. He may be great at hands on playing with the children, but he cannot keep a roof over our heads. Lies about bills, hides them from me, repeatedly, gets us into many financial difficulties and I'm the one who has to clear up after him. This feeling unloved thing is nothing new, I've not suddenly sprung it on him. It's been like this 8 years, he promises to make an effort, like he did in the first couple of years. So I wait and I wait and nothing happens. I keep waiting as I don't want to deprive the children of a dad. But life is short and I don't want to waste any more years being depressed and worthless either. I don't want to change him, I want the man I fell in love with back. He says he refuses to proposing because I set a time limit. But there was no time limit until he bought a ring and made me think this was it. I thought 2 years and a child was quite long enough! I made it very clear from about a month into the relationship I wanted marriage. He should've told me then, warned me so I wasn't so disappointed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Having read your posting and all the great answers given, I can only say I have great empathy with you;
"Fade 878" really says it all; I totally agree with her; and yes I do suggest you get couples counselling and if he refuses, yu go ahead, PLEASE, do take care of yourself and your self image, if not just for yourself; also because you are the mother of a lovely child;
Be strong; it might not be easy but you owe that to yourself and your child.
Best wishes; Keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (2 July 2008):
 After all this time you suddenly realize he's a jerk and doesn't want any part of marriage?
I find this hard to believe. This is a case of tragic uncommunication. This is why its so important to discuss issues of marriage and children in your significant relationships. When you had the baby with him didn't the subject of marriage EVER come up? Call me old-fashioned but the subject would ne first on my mind with any woman I had a child with. If it never came up then it is your fault as much as his that marraige was never a part of your relationship.
You are the woman, and as such you have more control over the issue than you choose to believe. You should have demanded marriage long ago if it was so important to you. By ignoring the issue until now, you just allowed him to run all over you and have his way.
Maybe he did tell you a long time ago that he's not interested in marriage, but either you ignored it or agreed to it for the monent saying to yourself... "I will make him change his mind" So what is it?
You can't change his mind. He is what he is. He is the same man you met the first day. But maybe you changed. I believe you did. What used to be ok and workable between you two is now just meaningless. Marriage is meaningful. Having a baby and living together anyone can do.
I agree with you. Marriage makes a relationship official and cements it for you and him AND the world. Marriage is wonderful, and why shouldn't you be happy in marriage?
Of he is so dead against it, it is time to consider new options...that do not involve him in the future. I feel for you, because I know how upsetting the end of a relationship can be.
The worst thing you can do is go to war over it and try to force him into marriage....because you will always know that he never wanted it. You dont want that kind of marriage.
If you do decide to leave him, find a man who will love you first and make sure that you always discuss what is important to you...which includes marriage. (maybe not the first date, but somewhere along the way)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Just to add (i'm OP) we do argue now, alot, mainly because I feel so unappreciated. It's not the wedding thing that's important to me. It's the fact he has never made an effort, especially as he knows it hurts me. We have 3 children now. All "surprises" but very much wanted, if he had asked me to have children with him, if I'd been asked to move in, that would've been enough. I feel very much like he is there for the children and that's it. I feel worthless because other women must be better than me, their husbands proposed for a start, take them out for dinner, flirt with them, buy them presents at christmas or for birthdays. I'm not worth the effort apparently. I work very hard for our family with nothing to look forward too.
I feel like a housekeeper, unpaid one at that. I make a huge amount of effort for him, even though I'm upset. I'm fed up making the effort and getting nothing back.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 This might not be the answer that you are looking for, but why on earth do you think the fact that you've never even argued is the mark of a great relationship? If you don't have the confidence in your relationship to bring up how hurt you are by this or even have an argument, that's a problem. By allowing yourself to sit on this hurt and let it turn into smoldering resentment, instead of yelling at him when he pulled this bullshit in the first place is probably what started you down this path. You have to feel comfortable enough to tell him what is on your mind.
You are probably well on your way to becoming a common-law couple, and you have a child together. Perhaps you need to get some counseling and put your cards on the table, because it doesn't seem like you two are on the same page. You need to open up and communicate with each other if you are going to make this relationship last, and you have a responsibility to try to make this work because of your child. Get out the yellow pages and get going!
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