| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've got a problem. I know, though, that it's mostly my fault, really.See, my boyfriend and I have a troubled relationship. I broke the trust, and now it seems impossible to get it back. Ok here it goes...From the beginning of the relationship I knew he had a temper, and I knew that he was jealous and liked to have things his way. Why? Because I noticed how he'd get upset when things didn't go the way he wanted them to, even if they were minor things (like, for instance, I was 17 when we started dating and my parents were strict with my curfews. This made him upset, and he'd get mad at me and wouldn't speak to me, etc.). He also admitted he liked to have things his way, and admitted he was a very jealous man. I also noticed how he'd get upset with his family members and wouldn't speak to them if they did something against his wishes.Ok, so, the first six months were blissful. However we had this common friend, he had introduced us. I knew this friend from years prior to meeting my boyfriend. Back in that time, we had had a friendship with benefits. One day my boyfriend got suspicious and jealous of this friend, and asked me if we had ever had something in the past. It was kinda scary to admit the truth, as my boyfriend asked me in a threatening voice. I lied. Then he asked again and I admitted the truth. This was the beginning of chaos! He started asking question after question, and I started telling the truth, but I realized telling the truth made him so upset and he got so mad and even called me names!He started scaring me because I didn't want the past to be an obstacle for our future. So I lied and hid some stuff some 3 or 4 more times. Guilt always got the best of me in the end, so I always ended up confessing. He broke up with me numerous times, and also name called me and threw the past in my face. This didn't encourage me to be honest. The final time I came clean, he broke up with me. According to most people my past is tame, my past is nothing, but to him every little detail is meaningful, every little crush I had is still a threat.He got back together with me on Monday. But now he doesn't trust me one bit. He keeps asking me to tell him the whole truth, but I have nothing significant left to tell! There are two incidents though that I don 't wanna tell him: 1) Last year, I had a few IM conversations with my ex friend with benefits, behind his back, and 2) I ran into a former crush, he asked me how I was doing and we parted ways. None of these incidents were significant to me, to me they're just details. But if I tell him, he'll start reading too much into it. The problem is, these guys know my boyfriend's borther. They know, however, that my boyfriend is insanely jealous.What should I do? Tell him about these IM conversations and the encounter, or just let these things go? I no longer keep contact with those guys, and I'm sure they don't give a crap about me. We all just moved on. But my boyfriend thinks a simple hello to a former crush is something major. Should I keep this to myself? Also, how can I regain his trust? I really have nothing else that's important to hide!
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 A simple hello to a former crush is no big deal. If you see the guy at the mall and you say " hey, what's up? How have you been...." that should be OK. That is not the issue though.
There are at least two problems I can see. The first one is that your boyfriend is jealous. You know this now and knew this in the beginning. It's his problem and you also accepted it as yours.
The second is this mutual "friend" you have. Your boyfriend is jealous to begin with. You two have a mutual friend. He is part of your inner circle. It's like the pack mentality. Your boyfriend had a certain comfort level with this guy because he thought you knew him as a couple. Little did he know, there was much more history than that.
It's not wrong that you had a history with the guy but it is wrong to leave that out when you're trying to play the "he's just a friend" card. Most current partners would not define "friend" as what you've described. Leaving out those details is a form of deception. You didn't tell him because you knew he would not want him as a friend any longer. It's understandable why you did this but also understandable why he feels betrayed. There is just something about intimacy and sex that cause issues. You also lied to him. That makes him wonder what else you've lied about.
For example, you do not owe him any apologies for what you did in the past, before his time. You do owe him honesty though when you have someone in your inner circle who you've slept with. I mean, if he didn't want you to have any male contact because of potential cheating, it would be unfounded jealousy. But, in this case, his defense mechanisms took over. This was not just any guy. It was a guy you already established an attraction with. There is/was chemistry. It is very difficult for a partner to believe the genie has been completely put back into the bottle. He may be wrong about your future intentions with this guy and you may never want to be with him again but you do have a track record.
You see, when you begin to make concessions and excuses for jealous people, you are actually making the problem worse. When you choose to obey them in order to make them feel less jealous, they see it as a victory. They feel vindicated. This makes the jealous person believe they were correct and you finally saw it their way. This establishes, in their mind, they were justified in making you obey their rules. When you get caught in a lie, it has the same effect. It makes them question everything.
There is only one way to handle these people. You don't give in from the beginning. You establish ground rules in the relationship. Don't feel sorry for the jealous person. They would prefer to keep you under lock and key. They feel that by controlling your actions, they're stopping you from making a mistake that would ruin the relationship. In fact, they are the ones ruining the relationship by being controlling. In the beginning when you're smitten with the person, you see it as a sign of love or caring. It is not, it is control. In the eyes of the jealous person you will always be guilty of "potential" mistakes you "could" make.
So lay your cards on the table in the beginning. If the person can't handle it, move on.
A
female
reader, mimisoph3  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 i think u should dump him he doesnt diserve u one bit.i mean his a conceded selfish ass honestly thats wat i think u need to move on..maybe sometiime in his past still hunts him
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