A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunties and uncles.I'm a bit confused and bewildered about a recent dating experience and I'd like some opinions or advice. I met a guy via online dating. We had several (4) really enjoyable dates over a few weeks. We chatted freely and comfortably and there was chemistry (we kissed and hugged quite a bit). He texted between dates several times a day. He was keen to meet up each time. We met the last time on Saturday. He'd cancelled a work trip to Europe so we could spend time together. He was coming over to my area (we'd previously met in town) and I was a bit nervous that this would mean he'd come to my flat and we'd end up having sex. I wasn't really sure that we were ready but figured we were getting on well and I'd see how the day progressed.So at my flat, after going for a long walk together, we started to prepare lunch together and then started kissing etc and it was getting heated. We ended up in the bedroom partially clothed, when he asked me what I would expect to happen if we slept together. Specifically whether I'd want to keep dating people. I said "no" with no hesitation. He paused and said that he would like to date other people. I was upset and embarrassed. His timing was just awful. We tried talking about it but to be honest I was pretty upset and riled up. I asked him why he would want to date other people at the same time as me, and he replied that he didn't feel the same feelings of being in love that he'd felt with his previous girlfriends. Well, I am not in love with him either - we were just getting to know each other - but I assumed that things were going well between us. His actions and words up to that point let me believe he was keen and interested. I explained that I can only date one person at a time, and find it potentially messy otherwise. I know lots of people date multiple people, but I just can't handle that scenario. He has been in 2 long term relationships in his life, for 7 years and 2 years. He's 33. He had never done Internet dating before. I was the first person he met. In fact he said he'd never dated at all before. Well what with the timing of him telling me that he wanted to date other people (in the bedroom, semi clothed), and the reason that he didn't like me enough to just date me, I got angry. He asked if i still wanted to see him, and I told him that it would be a waste of my time. I said I wouldn't have sex with him while he was dating other people, and he said he could wait for sex. It didn't make sense to me and I replied that I would never be ready to have sex in those circumstances. I asked him to leave. He left. I sort of kicked him out. He sent several texts apologising profusely, saying it's down to his inexperience with dating, that he thought I was wonderful, apologising for messing things up, saying that he genuinely cared for me and so on. But he didn't say that he'd made a mistake and would like to date just me after all. He apologised for not having brought it up earlier. I felt bad for kicking him out and in all honesty probably wanted an excuse to get in touch with him so the following day I sent him a message apologising for my part in what was an unpleasant ending (kicking him out). He replied immediately, again apologising and saying sorry and that he had been stupid, and wouldn't behave like that in the future. Not anything about me and him, however.I wonder if I reacted all wrong to this. I assumed he wasn't dating anyone else. I don't know if he actually is or just intends to. I wonder if I hadn't got so upset, we could have talked about it and come to an understanding. I liked him and was really enjoying getting to know him - I was pretty gutted that it ended. But I won't compromise and date someone who's dating other people. I tried to give him some wiggle room in case he changed his mind about dating other people, or in case it had been something he said without having thought it through. But I didn't ask outright. No contact since yesterday and I don't expect there to be any.I am confused because he genuinely seemed keen. I can usually smell a rat, and I don't think he is one. I wonder if my reaction put him off. I don't think I made the wrong decision in telling him I wouldn't keep dating him, though. I just wish he'd said that it was a misunderstanding and he would only date me. Is this because he's so inexperienced with dating? I was thinking perhaps it was that, but then I also think that, despite his words and actions suggesting otherwise, he wasn't that into me. I'm feeling low and rejected after what I thought was a good start to dating and getting to know him. I am too proud to ask him directly if he would consider dating only me, but that's what I wish he would have suggested. I know it's too late now.Sorry for such a long ramble without a clear question. What does anyone think about this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): One good thing about dating sites is that beggars can now be choosers and afford to pick out who suits them. Go back online and play him at the same game.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): he`s a bit laughable really. i mean is he the new date site dream boy? btw what is his profile name? lol. pass him by and get back online. just take it as a joke. can you not get anyone in real life? why not go out and try?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Go back on the dating site and be a playeress lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes AuntyEm, that's what it is. No danger of me getting involved now, none whatsoever. He did want to absolve his guilt (he's a bit of a Mr Nice Guy, hated to think he'd done anything wrong) and I believe he's a fledgling player.
I started reading a book called Mr Unavailable and Fallback Girl - it's helping me recognise certain patterns of behaviour. It the past I might have put up with this sort of stuff but I'm proud to say that I put an end to this particular dalliance with my self respect in place.
Time to kiss more frogs but take it slowly, assume nothing, and, above all, ask the important questions before getting the bedroom!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Yup!!! a simple case of you both wanting different things, best to end it now before you get in too deep.
Good luck in finding Mr Right xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for spot on advise.
Since my original post I asked him directly if he wants to keep seeing me (he does) and if he still wants to carry on dating others knowing I'm not comfortable with it (he does and is - even told me about his lovely date earlier this week which ended in kissing!).
His suggestion to carry on dating 'without a sexual component' was met with a cool response telling him we're not looking for the same things and I'm moving on to find someone who wants a relationship rather than someone playing the field.
So it's all cleared up with no uncertainty.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (7 November 2012):
Daft timing, but at least he didnt have sex with you first. He does not sound ready for a full on relationship and maybe cannot get what he wants, so is using dating sites to hoping to get it. Move past him, you lost nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): I never knew dating sites had studs. To date other people you have got to have other people to date. His dating others is dependant on if he has got any emails or not. Take him as the joke he is.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (6 November 2012):
 He is a bit of a contradiction. I suspect there is someone from his past that he has not got over. People who go on-line to find dates are at the bottom end of desperation and dont knock back a chance of sex. Maybe he was making excuses because he cannot get an erection. All i know is that people on dating sites cannot afford to be picky.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (6 November 2012):
 Who does he think he is? "The date site Cassanova" Move on. He wont be thinking about you right now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): I wouldnt have thought that someone off a dating site was in any position to date several people, but there you go. You have at least, met a honest guy who didnt lie to you to get what he could before moving on to the next date site conquest lol. You will live.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): There is a very big difference between this guy and a player. Players are smooth operators and can have most women they want. 'He' is just a guy who has come to realize there are plenty more chances for him on dating sites and for the first time in his life has a limited choice. Players dont need dating sites. One thing, he is honest about his intentions.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (6 November 2012):
 I think it was extremely poor judgement on his part to bring that point up in the middle of an intimate moment. And I do not really think you overreacted. It was like having the rug yanked out from underneath you at the height of a special moment. I do think men tend to hang onto their options even after 4 dates with a woman they may really like. They rarely commit to any form of exclusiveness until much later. But they usually don't bring it up like that. If they bring it up at all. Usually we have to drag it out of them, and it's wise to entertaint hose conversations BEFORE sex of just know the answer may not be what you like.
I think your reaction was spot on. How dare he? You're both in completely different places. Will it always be like that? Maybe. Maybe not. You have to decide if you can adjust your expectations and what is the deal breaker for you. For me, if I liked the guy I would not want to see him, have sex with him, give myself a shot at love if he's hooking it with other chicks as well. No thanks. It would be a deal breaker. But some women are cooler about it than I am. You have to make that choice for you and stick with it. Don't be played. If he can't be exclusive, move on and maybe eventually he'll come to that decision on his own and come back. Good luck. You did nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 November 2012):
 So he wasn't really a bad guy but just not "dating material". That can happen too. Just stick to your guns and you will find a good guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Don't second guess yourself, you did the right thing. If he wants to date around, then you don't need him & you certainly can be glad you didn't do anything with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know, Honeypie. I had misgivings about him coming to my flat and for good reasons. I went against my own gut instincts. In this case it was him who pulled back when he brought up the question of where it was heading. He wasn't being pushy at all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2012):
Just learn from this experience. Don't invite a guy home and then get hot & heave and then not understand why he acts the way he did. Not all guys will do this, but I would honestly take my time getting to know them without getting half-naked and then pulling back. NOT that it's NOT OK to cuddle and kiss and STILL say no to sex, but a lot of guy will assume you are either a cock-tease or "worth" trying to convince - if you know what I mean. Of course, it work as to separate the guy who are JUST looking for sex and those who might want more. But it might not be the safest way to do that.
And some times you got to kiss a few frogs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, last 2 anons (and everyone else). I've been used and hurt before (so many times) and am making a conscious effort to avoid it happening again. I wondered if that had had the effect of making me overreact to this situation.
But yes, me and him are not on the same page apparently. I've learnt a lesson about taking more time to get to know someone, and communicating more.
I was very angry with him but I'm not now. I'm just disappointed because it's not often that I feel that dating is going as well as I felt it was with him. However it was very early days.
Thanks again. It's helped a lot to write this down and get other people's take on it. And it's definitely time to move on ....!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): i see this situation very differently than a lot of others apparently seem to. i don't think this guy is a creep nor an asshole. in fact, i think quite the opposite. i think it was very respectful of him to be so honest and up front with you about him intentions. he stopped you two BEFORE having sex to ask you what you hoped for from him. i don't know many guys that would have done that. he told you what he was looking for and wanted to make a point to see if you two were on the same page before you jumped into something that could hurt either of you. and when you said you were looking for commitment, and he said he was looking to date around, you both agreed not to have sex. i don't think either of you did anythinig wrong. you know youself well enough to know you don't want to date multiple guys, and he's clearly in a place where he's looking to play the field for a while. neither of you are wrong. he was completely honest with you before it got too serious and gave you the chance to get out, and you did. and you gave him the chance to have some wiggle room about only dating you and to change his mind, and he didn't. most guys i know would have just slept with you and then not called you back the next day, with no regard or care to ask you what you wanted.i would just chalk this up to not being right for each other. don't beat yourself up too much over how you reacted. you had every right to react that way. and try not to be too angry at him because keep in mind, he was honest with you. give yourself a little time. you'll be just fine. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm, he didn't even say he hadn't had other dates. I just assumed based on our conversations about what we were up to each day. He did ask if he could keep dating me non-exclusively but I said no. He hasn't asked since.
I suspect he might like to be a player but he's not a very good one! After all, he didn't get sex. I've been burnt by players before and was quite certain he wasn't one - but maybe I got him all wrong.
I know I'm totally over thinking it. I'm trying to get it all off my chest to be honest, and then move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Well, I had fun reading this. There are 2 sides to this guy. First, he is bazarly honest. That's very unusual considering the circumstances he said all this to you, half dressed in a bedroom:)Second, he is pragmatic. And also he wants to be "good" guy who is honest and not taking advantage of women. He lets you know what his intentions are before having sex with you. It does makes him a good guy in a way. On another hand he compares his feelings to his ex to feelings he experiencing now with other women. It's never a good idea. It will take him a long time to find someone for his taste.His behavior has nothing to do with an experience in dating. I ve met quite a bit of jerks that are very experienced in dating as they manage to stay single till the age of 50. With that said, having said enough analyzing his behavior, back to you. He made you upset, and you were absolutely rightfully upset. Awkwardness of this situation is quite dramatic. It's up to you now, if you want to deal with a man who acts in such manner. You let him know that it's not ok for him to date several women, if he wants to keep on seeing you. He said nothing about not doing it. He will keep on acting awkward, bringing up all kinds of awkward situations like you were in now. He is not a 20 years old boy, he is a grown man, he will hardly change.With time I learned to believe in my instincts. Basically I stoped analyzing that much anymore and go with I get what I see. It works all the time.I don't question myself anymore if I did the right thing, because from my experience, if I felt something from the very beginning not being right, it never becomes right. Now it's if I can live with it.Just to give you an example. We all have different criteria for men that we want to be with. Mine, and I m very firm on that, very important is generosity . If I see some money saving tricks, and I m not talking about big spending, not at all, just little petty things, it a huge turn off for me.I started dating a guy few years ago. I really like him. We were dating for a month, seeing each other twice a week. I noticed that during this whole month we went out to dinner only once. He paid, but a place that he took me was very moderate. That's fine, I really didn't think much of it. We would go out couple times for a drink, he always paid, but he would take me there early when all drinks half price.Again, I noticed it, but tried to push those thoughts away.I just have to mention that this guy is a good solid upper middle class, considering his house, car, clothes and shoes:)then when we already were having sex, he stoped taking me out.I would come to his house, he always had already opened bottle of wine, never any food. We would have couple glasses each, and go to bed.Another month passed. Se started seeing each other less frequently. And then when it started. Once he said, that he doesn't have time to pick up wine, so he asked me to buy wine. O.k. That was fine. I bought it , no problem. Then he didn't even mentioned wine anymore. All we did when I came to his house, we had sex. I just have to mentioned, then because I didn't break it of fast enough like you did, I suffered quite a bit of doubts. Deep in my heart, I understood, that it was a beginning of end, but because I let it prolong for a such a Ong time, I got attached, and itbwas harder and harder for me to leave him.Our relationship were like that. He would come to my house, and I cooked, even giving ohm leftovers. He didn't even bothered to bring anything for dinner. Everytime I came to his house, it was nothing but sex.Se never went anywhere anymore. I had enough one day, and told him that why we never do anything anymore. And all he said, what do you want to do, I don't know what to do.That was our last evening together. I felt it was even useless to explain to him why I don't want to see him anymore. He called couple times after trying to get me to his house for sex again. I just ignored not even giving him any explanation. And couple weeks later he stoped calling.But I felt miserable for months after. You did the right thing by breaking it up fast enough.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 November 2012):
It sounds as if he liked you (after 4 dates) but maybe not enough to want an exclusive relationship. He chanced his arm by trying to have sex with you but at the crucial moment he dropped the 'lets date other people' line...this was to ensure that you didn't get any hooks into him.
He told you he hadn't had any other dates...I wouldn't believe a word of it, in fact he displays the perfect manipulative skills of a serial dater who is looking for sex (hence the line at the most akward moment).
You are doing the typical female thing by overthinking it and trying to make a square peg fit a round hole!!
He apologised for two reasons only:
1) to see if he still had you in the net (for potential sexual hook up at a later date)
2)to absolve himself from any guilt.
Strategically he never mentioned anything else about dating you exclusively OR making another date, the reason he DID NOT mention these things (along with his actions) is because he's a player.
Really you need to stop blaming yourself and realise that a few kind words a relationship does not make.
Move on, forget, heal and expect more next time.
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): do u not think online dating is like scraping the barrel? i have never had to do it an i always get offers of dates. i think u are bound to meet sex predators, unattractive, loves losers and game players. that is why they have to do online dates. try getting dressed an made up an go out with friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStaceily, you are right I think. I wasn't able to explain myself very well at the time because I was upset and offended, and completely flustered, but I tried my best. I didn't tell him I didn't love him either, but I think maybe he assumed that was why I was upset. It really wasn't!
He really doesn't understand about dating and admitted as much. He was so apologetic but (and this is the snag) didn't say that he was prepared to be exclusive. I don't feel I can message him again to explain the one-at-a-time thing again and that I am not actually in love with him.
I realise it could have been much worse. He could have said nothing and we'd have had sex only to have the talk at some later point. I'd have been much more hurt.
I am kicking myself for letting it get so physical (well, very nearly) too soon and before we had talked about it. I told him that in a text afterwards, and again when I messaged him. It was too soon. But I haven't really expressed myself well with him. It was all a bit awful.
I will take things more slowly in the future and communicate better. I just assumed he wasn't seeing anyone else because he said I was his first date, and we were in touch every day and he volunteered what he was doing each evening. Unless he was lying about it, he wasn't going on other dates. Of course that doesn't mean he didn't have dates lined up ...
But I kind of agree/ suspect that he wants to be single and play the field after being in LTRs for most of his adult life.
Anyway I'm not going to contact him. With the message yesterday, it was left on a friendly note and he knows how to contact me if he wants to. I won't hold my breath!
Thanks again for all the advise. I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (5 November 2012):
 He obviously feels he should be in love before becoming exclusive. So until he felt in love with you he was going to continue to date others. He did say he would wait for sex until you could be exclusive, so that tells me he is interested in you and not just sex. Obviously or else he would've just had sex with you without asking anything about what it meant for the relationship. I think he is inexperienced with dating. He is comparing his feelings for you to his girlfriends of years when you have only been talking for a few weeks. I also don't think he is dating anyone else right now but he didn't want sex to make you exclusive and have him unable to meet anyone else because he isn't in love with you. I think once he does start dating some others he will see what chemistry he had with you and understand a bit better. You were right to not have sex with him and to not compromise on what you are comfortable with. I hope you were able to explain your position very well in that you aren't in love with him either but you date one person at a time to see if feelings develop into a relationship, then if they dont you move on. He needs to understand that is pretty common when dating. I just don't want a misunderstanding where he thought you would both be boyfriend and girlfriend immediately which he wasn't ready for. I guess I don't find him to be a bad guy... Just misdirected and not a lot of experience, so I'm kind of rooting for him to come back around to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2012):
I think his timing was PERFECT! It showed him for WHO he is. When you didn't want to have sex with him then and there he acted like a 5 year old and wanted to "see" other people which means he wants to fuck other girls because you didn't give it up.
Since you weren't looking for a casual relationship I think you did the right thing... The dude really want to be single and screw around.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Let's look at your submittal in the order that you presented it:
1. "I felt bad for kicking him out and in all honesty probably wanted an excuse to get in touch with him so the following day I sent him a message apologising for my part in what was an unpleasant ending (kicking him out)."
WHY "feel bad?"????? This guy is OBVIOUSLY a player... and a*shole... who thinks that the primary reason there are girls on this Earth are to offer him a soft, warm, wet place to get off his peeny.....
2. I wonder if I reacted all wrong to this..."
No.. you did just fine, considering who you were dealing with... and the circumstances... Many women would NOT have reacted as you did.... and WHERE WOULD THEY BE TODAY????
3. "I tried to give him some wiggle room in case he changed his mind about dating other people...."
WHY BOTHER????? This creep has "tipped his hand" about what he thinks of you (and any OTHER woman he encounters!!!!)..... so you are well rid of him... NOW... don't look back and don't even give it a single moment of thought if you should contact this creep again...
Is that clear enough???
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Hi
You did the right thing and his timing was off. This is why it's best to get to know somebody and what their intentions are,before you have sex or take them near your place.
He probably did like you or he wouldn't have bothered what you thought. But he also saw it as a chance for sex and would have been having sex with whoever else he got to date too and probably was already dating others.
He's told you it wouldn't be an exclusive relationship, thats all you need to know.I hope you get over this and find a man worth your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): If you would have had sex with him you would feel a lot worse believe me.He at LEAST had the decency to discuss your relationship before you did the deed. Wont make you feel better at the moment but will in time.Dont even bother. He is not what you are looking for. Its not personal he just wants to be with other women. It could be a game and hes going to keep you on your toes, so you accept the crumbs wishing and hoping he will change.I would not go there. Lick your wounds and move on. In a few weeks you will see this for what it is a guy who doesnt want what you want. Simple as that.
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