A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my name is rebecca, Age 40 and from the USA. last July i moved to Sweden to be with my bf, 38 who is from Sweden. I have been in sweden for 1 year now and sadly he hasnt asked me to marry him yet. It was something i was very very clear with when i left the USA. I did not want to move and play house in another country. I have left everything i know, friends family great job, my two early 20's kids, sold all my possessions. I have gone to school here in sweden to learn a new language so i can find new employmemt (i am a lighting designer). My bf has a 7 yr old daughter whom we have 50%mand i adore her. I am now feeling like more than ever like i am playing house. Marrage is so important to me. It tells me in a solid way that we are comitted forever to each other. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and the happiest man to have me, but no ring, no sign of this relationship being solidified. Please tell me what could be going on. My friends and former coworkers tell me i have made a terrible mistake. Im starting to feel that they may be right.
View related questions:
co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015): I really want to thank everyone for their replies. I do believe that he happens to be a foot dragger but one who loves me very much. I definately loss focus and sometimes think "why am i learning this new language, living in a new country and gave up all my stability for a man who hasnt really met me half way in showing he is as comitted as i am.... I want to be emotionally stable in my thoughts but its tough because his part of the comitment to me seems to be missing...at least in my mind. This was a hugh leap of faith for me, so i hope you can understand why i am so nervous about my future. For me, not being married seems to say "im ok, but i have an easy out if things get tough". I do not believe this thought ever runs through his head, but i am concerned that i put so much at steak and he hasnt. I hope i am paranoid for nothing...i just want a perposal to come naturally so i can rest assured that he didnt domit due to being pressured...that would super suck!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015): 'i told him before i moved to Sweden that living in "sambo" term used in sweden for couples living together, was not a lifestyle I supported, but understood would have to happen for a short period of time'OP, people have a different understanding of time. 'A short period of time' could be anything between 4 weeks and 4 years. It's akin to asking how long is a piece of string.I'm not so sure that he's stringing you along as others have suggested. I'm inclined to be optimistic and say that you two didn't clearly communicate your expectations hence he has no idea that you feel that he's dragging his feet.You say you are not inclined to press for a timeline. Errm, you left your job, family and everything you knew behind including foregoing a year of income while you learned a new language to hopefully be able to use your qualifications in his country. I think not pressing for a timeline is highly unwise to say the least. Asking for a timeline is not going to stop him from commiting if he that's what he wants to do. Equally, you not pressing for a timeline isn't making it anymore likely that he will propose. All you are doing is burying your head in the sand and hoping that your life will fix itself the way you would like. OP, you are a few words from making your dream come true. Ask about his plans. In fact, your seeking clarification on his stance has no bearing on his eventual decision. All it does is it gives you the opportunity to find a compromise or it reveals an inherent compatibility. Both outcomes are better than living in limbo. It's your future as much as it is his so it takes two of you to actually create it. That starts with discussing what you both want, when and how to go about achieving it.Good luck OP.You've already made some pretty serious decisions to start faffing about now. If you meant what you said about marriage then you can't wait around twiddling your thumbs waiting for it to magically happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2015):
 Pardon me, but if you did not want to move abroad just to play house- then why did you do precisely that ?
If a formal committment is so important to you ( and I am not saying it shouldn't be ! particularly in a case like yours where you left behins all that matters to you, basically the very texture of your life as you knew it ! )- then why didn't you make sure that you left the States as a MARRIED, or at least an engaged ,woman ?...
" Because you had made very clear... " well, maybe it was not clear enough; with words there's always the chance of misunderstandings or misinterpretations, at least for what refers to the timeline. ACTIONS are what speak loud- and unmistakeably. I feel that your stance , if marriage was a non-negotiable... should have been to NOT negotiate about it. Wedding papers already signed, or ready to be signed within a short time , or- no leaving.
Anyway- too late to worry about that, of course.
Luckily, your predicament is easy to fix, I think. I don't feel (don't ask me why, it's just a hunch ) that your Swede is a bait-and-switcher, or that he was stringing you along. Maybe there just was an incomprehension about the TIME, like, we'll get married " eventually " or " somewhere down the road ". Maybe you never talked about a specific date. Or, maybe he belongs to the " if it ain't broke don't fix it" school . You get along, you are happy together, it sounds like you adjusted well to your new environment... from his point of view everything is fine, nothing is missing and there's no pressing need to make changes.
Anyway, that's easy to solve : tell him ! Talk to him
! Propose him ! Or , just tell him : Hey Sven, you remember, right ?, that I followed you here on condition it was a prequel to a formal, forever committment = wedding. Now, it's Ok to let a few months pass to give me time to learn the language, know your child, find a job etc... done all this, I do not see what are we waiting for, so... are we getting married ? and when ? ".
I do not see why tiptoeing around the issue since 1 ) you said you have been extremely clear about your relationship goals, so that can be no surprise 2 ) you trusted this guy and felt comfortable with him enough to just up and go live with him in another continent... and you do not feel comfortable enough talking to him about your relationships goals ?? How's that , it would not make sense.
So- just say what you want, and find out what HE wants. Hopefully ( and probably ) the two things will still coincide, or you'll be able to work out a reasonable compromise between two different positions.
Otherwise, if he has just changed his mind- or worse, he never WAS of that mind to begin with- well, at least you know it's time to say bye to Sweden and go back home pronto, without wasting any more time. But I do hope this won't be the case- if you can't trust a Swede,... then whom can you trust ?:))....
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 June 2015):
 I think swedes can be like norwegians. They dont actively pursue a woman. And they rarely propose unless you already have kids together and spent 20 years together and it brings some form of financial benefit. They are just not romantics, but pragmatist. I therefor suggest you tell it to him loud and clear. Or propose yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015): We dated for 7months prior to me moving here...both of us flying back and forth a total of 4 times before I moved to Sweden. Yes, i told him before i moved to Sweden that living in "sambo" term used in sweden for couples living together, was not a lifestyle I supported, but understood would have to happen for a short period of time. Living in Sambo vs marriage is very common in Sweden. people live a married type of life, have kids, purchase homes...etc. This is why i made it very clear before my move that marriage was my avenue and he was on board. We have been together 19 months, 12 of these months living together. I feel it is not appropriate to press a timeline, but i did give up everything to come here...i believe i want a bit of reassurance in the form of an engagement that we are in it together...sort to speak.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015): If you force this guy into marriage you will never know or believe if he ever really wanted it or you. He knew how you felt. You've given him a year. My advice is to put yourself first and go 'home' before you waste any more time. If he wanted to make a commitment official he would have done it by now. Sorry to be blunt. You need to be ruthless and stop compromising yourself. You're being used and don't want to accept it.
...............................
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (15 June 2015):
Have you asked him to marry you? Why is that his job? Why can't you propose to him? If he says no then you know right where you stand, and can come back to the states and start looking for the real relationship you are after. If he says yes, then move the conversation to one about logistics and time, to let him know you're deadly serious.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015): "I did not want to move and play house in another country."
But that's exactly what you did.
"I am now feeling like more than ever like i am playing house."
You are.
"Marriage is so important to me. It tells me in a solid way that we are comitted forever to each other."
Then why did you give up everything and move to another country to shack up with a guy? You should have insisted on getting married BEFORE you left the country with him.
"He tells me everyday how much he loves me and the happiest man to have me"
Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES (or in this case, doesn't do). If he truly loved you then he'd honor and respect your wishes.
"Please tell me what could be going on."
Very simple. He conned you into giving up your life for him without making any promises to which he could be held. As a result he now enjoys all of the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities, so he stands nothing to gain by marrying you while retaining the freedom to dump you at any moment and literally leave you stranded. As my Irish grandmother would have said, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"
"My friends and former coworkers tell me i have made a terrible mistake. Im starting to feel that they may be right."
They are. Sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2015):
 So set a time line for how long you want to be living with him without the marriage, and let him know.
Let's say you give him another 6 months, then stick by your word and move home if he doesn't propose.
I understand living in a different country and all the adjustments you have to make as well as ALL the sacrifices you made to BE there with him, you feel marriage is needed and THAT is OK.
My question to you is, DID you tell him BEFORE you moved? And did he agree?
If you didn't TELL him, then I get why he hasn't proposed. If you did, did you set a time line back then that you BOTH agreed to?
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (14 June 2015):
 Come up with an alternative financial plan, make sure it works then give him a deadline: marriage or you will leave. If he does not respond then leave. At your age you need to mind what's in your best interest as, evidently, he is minding what's best in his. You may love him, and he may you, but life arrangement apparently matters to you, so just go for what matters to you. You've done your sacrafice.
I'm a guy but if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't think twice about this: very straight forward...
...............................
|
