A
male
age
36-40,
*hat
writes:Hi all,About two years ago I seperated with my wife of hour years because I wasn't happy in the relationship. There was no big drama, we had just got together far too young and hadn't matured before marriage.A few months later I met a girl and fell head over heels for her. We dated for about seven months before she had to move about 7 hours away for work in the States.At first things were fine, we chatted all the time and texted. We would visit each other as much as possible. Then she told me that she didn't want texts at work because it was too distracting.Anyway, one day while I was up I went to Facebook while on her computer and it was already logged into her profile. I found a bunch of messages from her to another guy saying she loved him and talking about their times together. He is a coworker of hers and married.I confronted her about it and she told me it had been going on for about two months. They had slept together before and after work on numerous occasions. I was crushed. I have never had someone cheat on me before or been hurt like that. I told her I was leaving but she asked me not to. She claimed she had tried to break it off with him but he had threatened to tell me and everyone else at work about the affair, thereby blackmailing her into staying.Long story short, I decided to stay with her. I tried my best to forgive her and have found that my feelings about the initial affair have definitely gotten easier to deal with. I told her I didn't want her having any interaction with him and for the most part she hasn't other than required meetings at work. She also allowed me to look at her texts and whatnot (texting was a part of it too) to make me feel more comfortable.The problem is that I cant stop this new jealousy. I get jealous all the time. Every time she goes out and I am not there, or when I hear about other guys at work, etc. It is driving me crazy and I dont know how to handle it. It dosn't help that other guys are always sending her texts and trying to pick her up. Even though she shows me that she dosn't respond or encourage it, it is maddening.Were working on having me move to the US; however, it will probably be awhile yet before we can manage that. How can I feel more secure and stop this paranoia? It is so bad I feel physically sick sometimes and cant sleep when she is out and im out of town...Thanks...
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female
reader, aAoa  +, writes (14 March 2011):
i think the bottomline is you are not being able to get over this. so you should tell her and see how she responds.. if she says she's gonna work it out with you as in she'll help you to trust her - work it out - then do that.. and see how it goes.. if not then you should take some time off.. date other women
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): "I have forgiven her for what happened, its just the constant jealousy and paranoia that haunts me."
And this is your idea of a dream relationship? :/
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (13 March 2011):
I'm going to be a little hard here.The problem is you don't trust her any more. And it's completely understandable because she cheated on you. No matter the other guy blackmailed her with their affair. If she was so worried about him telling you is because that happened after they had sex. So, even if you can forgive her for doing it several times, she did it at least once because she wanted. I don't know how sure you are about the blackmailing at all.In my own opinion you won't be able to stop your mind as long as you stay with her. Since you are not married and have no child I don't see why don't you move on.
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A
male
reader, Nhat +, writes (13 March 2011):
Nhat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. I have forgiven her for what happened, its just the constant jealousy and paranoia that haunts me.I don't even really think she will do it again, but for some reason that part of my brain just wont turn off. I was never like this with any previous relationships as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Uhmm,, she got caught, she didn't tell you on her own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): I'm surprised to read the other responses here - I think it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. She needs you for her own ego affirmation and that's why she is begging you to stay. This is the kind of pathological social behavior that belongs to a certain kind of woman, and I am sorry to say, she will likely never change. Tale as old as time...Just remember one rule of thumb: Men can cheat and still be in love. Women - as a rule - do not cheat on men they are in love with. Honestly - she cheated pretty damn early in the relationship. As for the argument that she's in a new country - damn, if I went spreading my legs for my new married coworker every time I was in a vulnerable situation in a new country, and if that were an acceptable excuse, hey...! I'm really sorry this happened, but I think you need to wise up and see the truth here. Why would YOU want to settle for a relationship without trust? With someone who has obviously already SHOWN you what her true colors are?? Boggles the mind, every time. What message are you sending to the world by accepting that kind of behavior and calling it 'love'? If you have children, if this the kind of behavior - staying with a cheating partner - you would condone? I hope not. It's called pride and self-esteem and dignity.Someone famous once said: "When a person has already shown you their true self, why keep asking them again and again?" Paraphrased, but you get the idea. Get out. Seriously.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 Tough dilemma. Clearly in your heart you never really settled the issue of her cheating.Her original excuse does seem flimsy to me. If he was blackmailing her to remain in the relationship, then why did she write him that she loves him? I am not sure if that's one thing that bothers you, but it would raise suspicion with me.But the question now is whether you can trust her. There are a few things you may want to consider:--Cheating the way she did is a major deal-breaker for most, but you obviously saw something in her that made you want to remain with her despite an egregious breach of trust on her part. So that's one thing to take into account.--Also, she has been making a big effort to repair things, by showing you her text messages, and reassuring you continually.--Finally, the cheating happened at the beginning of your relationship, when things were still in formation, and she was in a new country, lonely and vulnerable. So, while these are not excuses, they may place it in some kind of a context where it might be easier to understand her perspective. I do believe it is possible for people to make amends. It is not easy, and it takes a really contrite heart, but it is possible. There is no religion that condemns anyone forever if they have committed a bad act--there is always room for change and forgiveness if the person is sincere and truly remorseful and committed to change.Whether she has done that we here at DC can't know. Only you can judge this. But if you feel she is honest in her change and truly ashamed of her actions, then it is worth it to accept her apology and allow both of you to move forward.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 If there is now trust in a relationship, it is not going to work. You will always feel paranoid. Making a move to another country is a huge commitment. You need to think whether you are doing this for you or for her.
Long distance relationships are difficult. Once you are together, you can start again from scratch, get her to know you, have fun. Do not have sex. Build up a relationship with strong boundaries.
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