A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To cut a long story short, my friend got engaged 6 months ago and asked me to be her maid of honour but since then she’s asked me to go to one wedding fair (which I couldn’t go to due to my child being ill) yet her bridesmaid has been to several with her and they’re always tagging each other in wedding stuff on social media etc (her friend is single so it isn’t like she’s looking for herself) I just feel like she may as well have asked this other friend to be her MOH instead, I feel like I can’t 100% commit to the role to be quite honest as I have a baby and I don’t really have the money to be planning hen parties (she wants 2, 1 of them abroad) or going on them. I haven’t heard from her for a few weeks now and she never mentions anything about the wedding or being MOH.How should I go about the situation? Thank you in advance
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2020):
 Who knows, maybe your friend chose you because in her mind that meant doing something nice for you, or giving a special distinction , even if currently you aren't the most suitable for the role of MOH ; anyway , there's no shame in realizing that you might have bitten more than you can chew by accepting to be MOH, and there's no shame in backing out and declining . It's perfectly understandable that, having a baby , your priorities in terms of time , effort and money will be different , and that you may be stretched too thin to take on such a demanding committment as required from a MOH. Although, in your friends 's shoes, if she is somewhat annoyed that you did not tell her right away, that's understandable too , so -try not to turn this into a row, Ok ? Just pull yourself off ASAP , thank her for having thought of you as her MOH, and apologize for any inconvenience this change of plans may cause her. Luckily, there are at least a few months before the wedding, right ?, so she won't have too much trouble to make other arrangements.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (23 February 2020):
 I agree with the other aunts. The sooner you tell her, the better for the both of you. You have responsibilities and that's understandable. She should be able to understand that. She may wonder why you waited this long though. I understand that you wanted to be nice and you probably didn't want to hurt her feelings by declining but if your circumstances don't allow for you to take on the MOH role, then that's very understandable and that's okay.
You need to tell her right away so that she can figure out how things will proceed from here. She still wants her day to be as amazing as possible as well as everything leading up to it so make sure that you notify her immediately so that she can make alternative arrangements and appoint someone else as her MOH. That way, she can still have the memories that she always intended to have.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 February 2020):
 Meet her for coffee, baby-free, and be gentle, but honest. Say you were honoured that she asked you and you can’t wait to attend her big day and see how amazing it will all be, but that you think she deserves someone who has more time and money to dedicate to being her maid of honour. A good friend won’t hold it against you :)
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (22 February 2020):
 Swallow your pride and tell her the truth as quickly as possibly. Mark your words carefully and say it with sincerity and humility. A true friend will understand and not be angry or hold a grudge. You can't help your circumstances! Its better to be honest and allow her time than to not be able to do the honors in the way that will make her happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2020):
 Tell her and do it soon. So SHE can have the MOH and pre-wedding experience she is expecting.
It's OK to NOT have the money to be a MOH. I think MANY young new brides to be aren't really being very considerate when it comes to things like the actual COST of being a MoH and ALL the work that goes in to it.
I was the MoH for my best friend and yes, it was costly but in the end it was worth it (for me) I was also SINGLE and had a really well paying job at the time + all our other friend who participated chipped in generously and so did a couple of the parents (we went to the church ceremony and reception, but not the dinner and dancing afterwards as they had a much smaller number for that.
But I have also seen another of my not so close friends going into debt to be a coworker's (not even a close friend) MoH. Instead of saying I can't afford to do this. And the bride later complained to anyone who would listen that it wasn't what she had really wanted. (but had agreed to).
So BE honest with your friend that you are SO happy that she chose you, that you are happy FOR her but that you ALSO think she deserve someone who can commit to more time, energy and money.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2020): Pride and fear of hurting feelings often prevents us from being honest and telling people the truth. Well, time is your enemy in this situation; so it's best to take a deep-breath and just inform her that you have to decline the honor; your budget simply doesn't allow for it. You have to give her time to find someone else.
We shouldn't be ashamed of our financial situation; because different people have different priorities. Just because you see your friend's jet-setting around and going on glorious holidays abroad doesn't mean they can really afford it. They could be up to their eyeballs in debt, many use credit; and sometimes they do have the disposable income to do things a single-mom (or dad) just may not have the extra cash for.
You have your responsibilities, so simply tell her. If she is a real-friend, she will understand and spare you any grief about it. Never be too proud to be honest. Shame comes when your dishonesty is exposed!
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