A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a HUGE dilema. I'll try to keep this as short as possible...I have been with my boyfriend 3 years. We initally had a rocky relationship, but now everything is perfect, and i've never stopped loving him. Everything is great.I recently have had doubts about my future, and after huge contemplation, research and discussion with advisors, i feel it is best for my life/ career/ prospects if i continue my University degree abroad. I am in Belfast, and have been offered a fantastic opportunity in Newcastle Upon Tyne. Across the water obviously.This opportunity was always available to me, and i often discussed how amazing it would be for me, but never took it because of my boyfriend commitment at home. Always when i argued myself into staying at home, my boyfriend reassured that if i wanted to go, he would go with me. (He works in office and could easily find a similar role anywhere in the UK). I on the other hand, can only get this opportunity abroad.Because of his consistency and kindness, i was reassured that he loved me, and would support me- so didn't feel necessary to go away.That is until this week. Things are looking up for me, but only if i move to Newcastle. When i discussed this with my boyfriend, he said that i should go, and was supportive as usual. However, this time he said that he would be unable to come and live there. He did recently get a huge promotion in his job, and his happy in his work. I feel selfish for asking him to choose...but once again, i have to stress that he is working in a job and for a company which he could continue anywhere.I was agitated at the fact that he told me to go without him. I wouldn't have ever considered leaving him. But now i'm having my doubts. Doesn't he care about my future at all? Or am i being literally the most selfish person ever, by making him choose between his own career, and mine? Sorry for the length. We have now fallen out, and i need some helpful advice.Thank you.
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female
reader, PreciousNY  +, writes (29 April 2008):
You definitely need to leave and get your degree. If you stay because your boyfriend won't leave, you will later resent him for it, especially if your relationship ends one day. You have to think logically here. This is your life that you are gambling with. Like Danielepew said, if he is not going because he simply doesn't want to leave his job, that is very understandable and I wouldn't read into it like you are or let it upset you. But if he is not going because he really doesn't think your relationship is going to be forever, then you leave and don't turn back. Only you know how he feels about you and you should definitely talk to him about this. Good Luck and I hope you go with or without him!!
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 I'm not sure if I understand this right, but it seems to me that you're saying that you didn't travel to Newcastle before because of your boyfriend's commitment.
If that's what you're saying, then you feel that he should leave his place now, just to be fair with your staying in Belfast for him. That seems reasonable.
However, I think that what is happening here is different. You two have love interests and professional interests. So far, it has sort of been possible for you two to have them both in the same place. Now that isn't possible anymore, and this is the moment for a decision.
I'm not sure how to read your boyfriend. On the one hand, he might be saying that he won't go because this time he does have something big to lose. His being promoted is an important step in his career, and maybe you're wrong in thinking that he could just move elsewhere without a problem. I have never known about a company that will let you move anyhwere without any problems. Maybe such companies do exist, but I don't know of any.
And, on the other hand, perhaps he is telling you to go there alone because he isn't that interested in the relationship anymore.
I think you should try to determine why he doesn't want to leave. If it is because he just doesn't value the relationship as he used to, then leave without remorse.
If the thing is that he wouldn't want to lose this job, perhaps you can try to travel there and see if he can make it later. Sorry if this sounds stupid, as I have never crossed the pond, but it seems to me that the distance between Belfast and Newcastle isn't that long. Maybe you can try a long distance relationship for a while? How many years would you need to be away?
The most important thing, perhaps, is determining why he isn't leaving now.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 April 2008):
You are obviously a bright intelligent young woman so you should be able to work out that Belfast and Newcastle are not on opposite sides of the world.
Plenty of couples take time apart for the sake of their careers.
Your degree won't be forever, you can go home for summer, easter and Christmas. You can talk on the phone, email, write, it's all doable.
Long distance relationships are hard but if you are really in love then you can wait forever. A year or two shouldn't be a problem.
Go to uni, have a brilliant time and make something of yourself. If you don't then you will spend forever thinking "what if?"
Good Luck!! xx
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