A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey I'm T and I am 18. I have this friend that's recently appeared back into my life after we ran into each other... he is a gorgeous guy and we can talk for hours. He's with this really crazy girl and he hates it - he doesn't want to be with her anymore, she physically abuses him (punching, strangling, slapping etc) and he talks to me about her a lot because he says he can really open up and be himself around me. We have a really enjoyable time together. Tonight we ended up going for a drive. We parked up in a pretty spot to talk and watch a coming storm and listen to music. He made it really obvious he wanted to kiss me, moving close to me, touching my hand and arm a lot, seeming a bit distracted from our conversation (he later admitted that he was thinking about kissing me and wondering if I felt the same) after a while we ended up kissing (nothing more) and I couldn't be sure of how I felt about him because I was overwhelmed with guilt. And even though his girlfriend is nuts (she said she'd kill either him or herself if he tried to break up with her) I felt totally sick to my stomach. He made it clear he wants to be friends and can't give me a relationship (even though kissing me felt so right) because he felt so tied down. I feel awful because I helped him cheat, and because I still want to be with him. He's amazing as a friend (even though I know by this he doesn't sound it) I'm just.. really messed up in my head right now. I'm usually such a good girl, I don't know what happened and now I can't stop thinking about it!Am I a bad person? What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): Sounds like a player to me.
"my girlfriend (or wife) is such a bitch that I can't leave her"
But, sex with no commitments with you, that would be ok.
No, really, find someone who cares about you.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (8 August 2011):
 ok, this rings alarm bells to me. this guy is telling you that his GF is SO bad? why is he still with her then? he needs to get rid if she is SO awful - be careful - this might be a line he uses to get girls on the side but to let them know that he won't split with his GF. if it IS the truth and she treats him so bad but he hasn't got the guts to break up with her, then i am sorry but i would just leave him to it.
the girl will not 'kill' him if he leaves her. if she starts making a nuisance of herself if he leaves he can get a restraining order. what's the alternative? stay with her coz he's afraid to leave and then she ends up 'accidentally' pregnant with him. he'll never get away then, or at least his child won't. *as a friend* speak to him about this - if he still chooses to stay with her then that's his problem, not yours
x
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (8 August 2011):
 Hi,
I know you like him, spend hours talking, etc... But, something sounds fishy to me?...the story he told you? The whole thing I just have this gut feeling...
Anyways, you are the one in this situation, knows him, so you should know better what to think of him, and what's best for you...
In your eyes, he's amazing? To me, he's a liar, weak, and has no character. This is not your fault, its his fault...
My question to you is:
*he already said he cannot commit to you? So, what do you want????
* continue being the "friend" with benefits?
Because, this all you are going to be with him. What if you have sex, and really start falling in love with him? Then what?
Don't you want someone that is 100% available to you? don't you want to have a normal relationship?
This is your life, and hope you make the right decision
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 August 2011):
 You're not a bad person. You didn't cheat, he did. From the way it sounds he's been planning to cheat. However, keep in mind it's the oldest thing in the cheaters' book to say that either they're miserable with their current relationship, in an abusive relationship, or otherwise in some kind of awful situation. This helps the person they are cheating with get over any guilt they are having.If you want to be with this guy, you need to demand he break things off with his current girlfriend first. If she really is being abusive, you should try to help him get out by listening/being there for him and encouraging him to leave. If he's feeling unsure or frightened, you can't make him leave but you can give him some resources that will help him get the courage to do so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): You're 18 and still rather inexperienced, so your confusion is perfectly understandable. You write that he is with a "crazy girl" and according to his stories, he doesn't want to be with her. Here is your first reality check: he has the freedom and the right to leave the relationship any given time. Is he doing it? No. Right there you have a huge discrepancy between his words and his actions - an indication you're dealing with a liar. So he has the choice to leave his gf and be with you, but he is not doing that. He even told you that he cannot give you a relationship and only wants to remain friends. Why? Because he just isn't that into you. He won't leave his gf for you. You have way more feelings and thoughts invested in him than he ever had in you. If anything, he'll just hope to get sex from you and move onto someone else. Don't give him the pleasure in that and just cut this shady character out of your life before it gets even worse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): There is no reason for you to feel bad, his girlfriend it a nut case. Put yourself in his place, how would feel if were in that kind of relationship? He should do one of the following 1. Get her he professional help. 2.) Break-up with her. 3.) Have her committed to the funny farm.
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A
female
reader, KaileyLove  +, writes (8 August 2011):
 He kissed you. That doesn't make you a bad person. Woah, that girl sounds phsyco, actually I know someone in that same situation, you should tell him that even though his gf is crazy, she still has feelings and it's not right to cheat on her. If he has issues with breaking up with her, he should bring her to therapy and work out issues and calmly "separate". Then he should be with you, but, trust me, cheating on her will only bring her after you if she finds out. Is that a risk you want to take?
You should ask yourself, "What do I want?" "What can I do to work towards that?"
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