A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thank you for any responses in advance, I appreciate all honest opinions. 6 years ago I met a man in the Caribbean, he fell on love with me but I didn't feel the same way, however we became great friends.This year I fell in love with him and we finally got together. I was very very happy, the happiest I have been in along time.He did lovely things for me, brought me meats, fruits and veg from were he worked, took me out on long romantic walks on the beach, we spoke for hours, he would cook me delicious meals and we would eat on the veranda together with the beautiful view surrounding us.I have returned to the UK and I will be completely honest, my Caribbean guy is now turning me off him, he asked me last week if I could top up his mobile and I thought I am in the UK you are I. The Caribbean and you want me to top up your mobile are you serious?His mother died and I sent him over 100 to donate towards her burial, he said he was stressed and needed a break so I told him he should come over here for a break and be with me, he expected me to pay for his ticket and provide him with money to show custom officers upon his entry to the UK. He also commented that he needed a smart phone to be able to send me pictures and stuff so I told him I had a spare Blackberry he could use, he told me no he prefers an iPhone and I thought to myself who do you expect to buy it as you clearly have no money.I am beginning to see clearly he is quite frankly broke, so am I, we all are struggling out here in this world one way or another and if you think I am being rude, stuck up, snobby or I am wrong then please tell me but I am a single mother of two children who I look after alone, one of whom has special needs, I can't afford to be sending mobile credit to another country or paying for his flight and materialistic things he can not afford.I think he is trying to use me.He has been calling me all day on three of my numbers and I have been ignoring him, I know it is horrible but I just don't want to talk to him.A major factor that contributed towards my feelings was seeing my ex, the father of my daughter.He works hard and I still have things to show from our relationship, he can provide for his family unlike my Caribbean guy, him asking me for money and things shows me he can not provide. I think I can do better, I'm sorry.I wanted to be his girlfriend not his mother.Am I wrong? What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): Thank you everybody, i really appreciate all of your responses, i am so grateful.I dumped him earlier, i feel relieved!I told him it wasn't going to work out and do you know what he said, he wants to come to the UK for 6 months next and he was already organizing things and was going to surprise me! I said no he can not just do that and it was over, he said he arranged everything to be with me and let him put it this way, how long could i endure him for, 6 months, a year? I told him it wasn't going to happen, then he said ok we are still cool and that he would call me back as he was going to cry. I said ok, he has not called back.I think i have had a lucky escape.All your responses have made me feel i have 100% done the right thing, my children come 1st and any money i have is for them, not to waste on no man.Thank you all so very much.God Bless.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 No you are not wrong. And you aren't even stuck up snobby or what not. You are just a sensible practical hardworking single mother of twokids, one alas with special needs, who knows that life is tough, money does not grow on trees, and if you happen to have occasionally some extra money to " squander " in non essential purchases to spoil your loved ones , that money should go into spoiling your kids, if any.
I can't say if your Caribbean guy is an astute , callous wannabe user, or if, like another poster notices, he just buy into the naive , misinformed notion that in UK or USA life is easy,everybody is rich and has got money to throw away. Either way, he's not the right person for you.You just can't afford to have an exotic boytoy, even if you actually WISHED to have one ( which I don't think you do ).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Some people from poorer countries see foreigners as a way out of poverty. To him, you represent wealth. His idea of what life is like in places like the UK, USA etc is unrealistic, and a fairytale.
Tell him you are not his golden goose, and his beliefs are far from realistic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Remember him as your island vacation sweetheart. Nothing more. Let him fend for himself.
You already have children to support.
Your generosity ends with the donation for his mother's burial.
Cut your ties before he becomes too dependent. He might end up at your doorstep uninvited.
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A
male
reader, Saleemrodman  +, writes (2 December 2013):
He's trying to get as much as he can out of you. How shameless of him. I would be embarrassed if I couldn't by independent, and had to depend on my girl to everything for me. It should be mutual. Doing things for each other should be a way to show affection. It shouldn't be a chore because then it kills the purpose of it.
Be frank with him, and tell him that you're not his mother or his care-taker. He needs to be able to take care of himself, before he can be with you and take care of children.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 I think you hit the typical vacation romance. Once reality set it and you were back home to your own responsibilities you saw more of the "real him" and you didn't like what you saw.
He "spoiled" you when you were there but with attention (long walks, home cooked meals) with things HE COULD afford. I seriously doubt if he would have gone on a shopping spree and picked up your bill... He now sees you as a meal ticket. Instead of saving UP for a trip to come visit you, he wants YOU to pick up the tab. Did he pay for your vacations to the Caribbean? Or did you do that yourself?
Then he wants more phone minutes and a new phone, my guess is... he is trying to see what he can get out of you, because it's unlikely that either of you will move permanently so whatever he can "get" out of you suits him fine.
Yes, you ARE right he can not provide for you and two kids. Specially one that might need more medical/school special assistance.
I know it's not what you want to hear but it sounds like you should have stuck being friends with him.
Stand up for yourself and TALK to him. Tell him NO, I will not buy you a phone, NO I can not afford a ticket for you to come see me, NO I will not buy you things. One thing is a b-day present, Christmas present or a little something you see while out and about, but another is for him to almost DEMAND you get him this and that.. and an Iphone no less? Seriously?
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