A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having this ongoing thing with this woman where we have sex, dinner, movies, coffee and I got medicine for her when she had the flu. We are both women and single. She says we are dating but also said she isn't keen on a relationship. I know she talks to other people mostly men and that doesn't bother me as I don't really care about her personal life. We have been at this a few weeks now. I have never had a friends with benefits arrangements and I'm trying to determine if this is what we are. She got upset with me once for not knowing enough about her. She introduced me to her mom dad n siblings. Why do all this if u don't want a relationship? I don't want to slip up n start feeling for her then she run off. I don't think we have enough boundaries. I told myself I will buy her nothing else but continue the sex as not to treat it as a relationship. Also we talk on average maybe 3 days a week. And by talk I mean text we rarely speak on the phone. Most time if we talk it means we are meeting up to do something n not to just have conversations. I just need to know from outsiders so that I know where to take n keep my feelings.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 You are both playing games and with semantics, at the same time waiting for each other to launch that talk in order to convince yourselves that a relationship is the right thing to do. One of you have to take that step but is resistant to that idea because the one who initiates would take the blame when the relationship doesn't go well.
And I did not miss that she said you two are dating. FWBs don't date. Does that mean you two are exclusive? Does that negate the first statement that she did not want a relationship?
Also be aware that she might be embarrassed to take her words back and say, now I want a relationship because it would make her sound fickle and you would never know when she would change her mind again. There's always reason why courtship is important and that every stage of a relationship is crucial. People who do FWBs and then change them into relationships are like skipping steps and avoiding hard work. That's not to say that a relationship after an FWB is impossible but it does make it more challenging to trust the person you are with. There is friend in FWB but that friendship is less authentic than a platonic one because there is sex involved, and the one that's emoting more would hold back to keep in control. In platonic friendships there is no fear and little reservations in sharing personal stuff.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): POSTER HERE: Funny you say that janniepeg, when she got upset that I didn't know enough I replied communication is everything and maybe we just aren't compatible enough. Her reply was see, that's how things ended first time u gave up n I didn't fight for it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 December 2013):
People can change their minds about status. When people's actions don't match their words, you always go back to their original statement. She wants to have a gf experience, she wants you to think that a relationship is taking place, but then if anything goes wrong she has her disclaimer, that she didn't want a relationship in the first place.
Part of the reasons why people change minds is because you do develop feelings when there is regularity and continuation. You still hurt when FWBs end. To avoid feeling hurt people go ahead and transform it into a relationship without the foundation of trust and honesty, thinking that an official label would solve everything.
If you feel this is going in the wrong direction then cut back contact, or no contact at all. If you feel a relationship is worthy a try you have to talk to her and find the root of the problem, which is the initial one that she doesn't want a relationship. The requirement of a relationship is that one is open and vulnerable to have feelings shown. You have to be able to risk being hurt and work through problems instead of running away.
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