A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The other night I came home drunk and very horny but my boyfriend was asleep in bed. I woke him up by kissing him and touching him down there. At first he told me leave him alone as he was tired but in the end he turned round and we had full sex, as I had obviously turned him on. We were having an argument last night and he shouted that I raped him. I was so stunned but he was being serious, is this rape cause I wanted sex but he didn't but in the end gave in anyway? It's not as if I forced him or tied him to the bedposts!! And he is a big man and he would have easily been able to push me away if he felt threatened, but he didn't. And an hour later we had sex again which he initiated. I'm worried though as his friend is a trainee lawyer and has told him that this is rape and he could report me if he wanted to.
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female
reader, Jmo  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 You should tell him to improve his argumentative skills, that was a blow beneath the belt (so to speak).
I hope his wanna be lawyer friend is better at arguing with relevance or the law is in trouble. This was not rape.
-Jmo
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): This whole conversation is silly. I am a lawyer and a male, not a trainee lawyer or any that silliness (what is a trainee lawyer anyways?). Without giving any specific advice to your situation, you are describing a very gray legal situation in which most police officers would laugh in your face. Police and the Judiciary will not waste their resources resolving these silly domestic disputes particularly where no one was physically or mentally injured.
But let me say that your boyfriend was mad at you during the fight and was looking for ammunition in an argument. He was asleep, you were drunk, and you wanted some sex. Of course this was selfish and inconsiderate on your part. However, I agree that you could be a much worse girlfriend when you’re drunk. A good girlfriend OR boyfriend sometimes puts out when they aren’t feeling like having sex. This is just part of sacrificing for the happiness of your partner. The line that gets crossed when one partner’s selfish desires dominate the relationship. This could have been what the fight was actually about. Maybe he felt like that was an example of you being selfish in the relationship and he gripped onto it. I think a good resolution would be to figure out what you were actually fighting about, because it wasn’t about you getting it on with him in his sleep.
For me, when my girlfriend, the girl I love, is trashed and up for some sex, it isn’t the hottest way I enjoy perceiving her. When I’m in bed asleep, I love my girlfriend to crawl in bed curl up beside and she can do whatever is on her mind. But if she smells like vodka and cigarettes and wants my body, then that isn’t hot. Would your boyfriend be hot if he was all drunk and smelly and went after you in bed? I don’t think so. Sex is hot when you know the person wants you, respects, and cares about you. Drunk sex is a selfish desire. At the same time, you have an entitlement (every now and then) to indulge your selfish desires. Just don’t be surprised when it comes up as ammo in a later fight.
Instead, maybe you could focus on the selfless things you do for him, the selfish things he asks of you, and try to fit this situation somewhere in the middle. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): A guy can get hard but still not consent to the sex. (If guys could just turn off boners at will, it would have made junior high school a lot easier.)
But it sounds like this guy certainly could have physically stopped you from having sex with him if he had wanted to.
I think this whole thing falls under that gray area that women often invoke, sort of "I finally went along & didn't make an ugly scene about it, but I really didn't want to be having sex."
I don't think the guy has any grounds for an actual rape charge in this case.
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A
female
reader, musics_muse +, writes (24 March 2008):
rape is defined as sex without consent. he consented, therefore it was not rape.
some people in relationships have sex even though they dont fully want to...maybe they just do it to please their partner even though they're halfheartedly into it. doesnt mean those are instances of rape!
i think he's just blowing the whole thing out of proportion. though i dont see why because obviously it's causing you unnecessary stress. sounds like he's being a drama queen to me! ;)
hope it works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): "whilst i disagree that it was rape i think you should take note that he actually might not have wanted to even though he consented. perhaps he saw it as easier to get some sleep if he just slept with you than have to deal with rejecting you. he possibly regrets doing it therefore his issues should be with himself its not your fault. so you were horny you didnt do anything wrong."
I do agree with you completely. However, if this question were by a man and his girlfriend gave in like that, why is it that most women on this board would say that the woman should have him arrested for rape. Not all, but most. And no, I'm not imagining this. There have been similar questions to this when the sexes are reversed and most answers are always much different than this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): whilst i disagree that it was rape i think you should take note that he actually might not have wanted to even though he consented. perhaps he saw it as easier to get some sleep if he just slept with you than have to deal with rejecting you. he possibly regrets doing it therefore his issues should be with himself its not your fault. so you were horny you didnt do anything wrong.as for the trainee lawyer im sure that they will be so busy with their seats on their training contract to be concerned about following this through. most of training contracts are corporate so probably not their area. perhaps they were just trying to be supportive to their friend, say what they want to hear, even if he says this doesnt mean it'll follow through.sounds like your guy is enjoying telling others how much you wanted sex from him-loser! do u really want to be with someone who treats you like this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Legally speaking it is impossible for a woman to rape a man. This is the case in English Law as rape requires penetration by a penis by defintion. check the sexual offences act if it will make u feel better.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (24 March 2008):
 if he got hard. he enjoyed it thus not rape
there was a court case some years back a man claimed a women raped him. the judged ruled that because he became hard he was turned on and enjoyed it.
if you weren't turned on and didn't enjoy it then he wouldn't have gotten hard.
so.. yeah this guy is full of crap
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): No way is this rape!!!!!!!! Tell him to grow up or get out.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Hi Hunny
PISH POSH!!!!!!SILLY ARSE!!!! If he was tiny weeny like 2ft and you were 12ft tall and held him down shoved a pipe cleaner up his bell end and did it YEA!!!!!!!!! But what the ****!!!!
He has a friend who is a trainee lawyer oh boy so he told his buddy that his girl came home and raped him...Hunny Im truely lost for words!!!!!Thats not easy!!!!!! You did it again THE SAME NIGHT FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!!HE IS BLOODY NUTS!!!!!!! Dont worry sweetheart is my advice and think about your relationship if you have woken up in the past with him on top of you then whats that in his eyes EH!!!!!!Good luck sweetpea with this one he is trying to get to you when you argue and thats his comeback...If that were me Im sorry but I would have been on the floor peeing my pants another law broken TAKE CARE OF YOU HUNNY WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (24 March 2008):
 It was definately not rape! He probably cant justify his argument when you were having an argument, so decides to try his luck at trying to scare you.
You should tell him to call the police. In fact you should tell him that you will dial the number for him! I am pretty sure that he will change his tune very quickly!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Hmmmm.....this is not rape! What occurred with you and him is not considered rape at all....it will not fly in any court in the world! what gets me is this......dude went and told someone about how you and he had sex that particular day/night that you did, something is terribly wrong with that! I would drop this guy and move on! i know you care about him and all, but something is seriously wrong with this dude.Leave him and move on with your life....there are plenty of real men out there who would love to be woken by their wives or girlfriends in this fashion. I say....move on from this dude. Good luck to youBADVOICE
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 He can report you for rape and it won't stick up in court.
Don't be afraid. His trainee lawyer friend has not passed
the law yet and giving him ill advice.
He can tell the court anything but he cannot prove it.
Have no fear.
Rape of a man ,if he is tight up and you have a gun in your
hand pointing at his head or he was drugged .
No judge would believe his story.
The other rape is statutory rape of a male below 16.
If this can term rape then many men would have to go to jail
because they have a propensity to touch the women during
their sleep and demanded sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Thanks for your answer lazyGuy, it has helped put my mind at ease. Though it wasn't mental abuse because I didn't say anything at all to him, I was touching/kissing him and stuff and he said"i'm tired i'm not in the mood", but instead of stopping and letting him sleep I just carried on but I didn't say a word to him. I no ways forced him verbally or phsyically into it, i was just kissing and touching him. What he seems to forget is that I have woken up in the past with him on top of me, i'm not sure that if I had not woken up whether he would carry on and then this would be classed as rape.But I have never thrown that at him and I have never told anyone out of our relationship as it's none of their business. Just this fact alone that he has told people and made me look an idiot has made me rethink my whole feelings for him.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Rape doesn't have to be include physical violence, it can include mental pressure as well. "Have sex with me or I won't love you anymore". Read up on marital rape.
He could be claiming you physically forced yourself on him. Unlikely to stand up in court unless weapons were involved.
He could claim he was mentally forced into it, "if you don't have sex with me, you don't love me anymore", "if you don't I will leave you". Possible and we certainly should not ignore that women can be just as abusive as men, but it doesn't sound likely.
Another form of rape is if a person is unconcious or unable to defend themselves, but he was only asleep and woke up from a handjob? Yes, there are some people who say that sex on a sleeping partner is rape but this is a thinline because if you go to far it would mean you can never wake your partner with a kiss.
I don't think he has a case but there is something far more serious going on.
Rape is not a charge to be lightly thrown around. This guy seems to have significant issues. Has he ever woken you up by touching you? Does everytime he approaches you and you are not in the mood but give in count as rape as well?
I would seriously examine my relationship with a person who thinks that being woken up by a horny partner immidiatly talks to his/her mates and starts throwing rape charges at me. I don't know why he is doing it (does he feel only men should be allowed to initiate sex) but it is not something you can ignore.
Sit him down and tell him that you want to know what the hell he was thinking accusing you of rape. This ain't normal.
Lets face it. Most men would LOVE to be woken up by a horny girl that lusted after their body. Not belitteling female - male rape, but this ain't it.
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