A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been struggling lately with a boyfriend who up until a few months ago was highly attentive and we spent most of our free time together, even though we both have jobs and are very busy with college. In the last while he's been choosing to see me a lot less and we argue a lot more. whenever I try to talk about it it goes really badly and we get nowhere. If we have a disagreement about a specific thing, we argue quite constructively about it, however when it comes to our relationship, it's terrible and gets very heated and emotional. I've decided to try a new tack, by sending this email, to remove the sense of tension, and it should explain more about the situation. I'd love to hear your views on it before I send it. It's Very personal and I'm really putting myself out there so I want your honest opinions.Hey baby, before reading this, please take it seriously. I'm not trying to make your life difficult or take up your time, and this is not off the cuff. I've put a lot of thought into this and I feel really vulnerable in sending it so I need you to respect what I'm saying and realise, that even if it seems mad or silly or girly, its an honest explanation of my feelings and actions and I'm turning to you to try and solve it. It's really important to me that you don't refer to me or this as stupid.I wanted to write this to you because i feel that sometimes when i try to talk to you in person, I get too emotional, or my point doesn't come across right. I think when we talk in person you tend to react in a way which upsets me and I'm not sure if it's a genuine lack of understanding about why I'm acting that way, whether it's because your getting defensive, or whether you find it hard to deal with me when I get emotional. I also think we can both be pretty bad at listening, so maybe this is a better solution as it gives you time to try and get your head around it. First of all, I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything by writing this, I just think we tend to deal with this thing badly face to face, and I'm not sure if you realise how hurt I sometimes feel. Sometimes I think you think I'm just kicking up a fuss because I like the drama, and It's really not that, I promise. Anyway, my main problem is I've been feeling very insecure with you lately. I've always been the kind of person who has one BEST friend, I never really had a big group of friends and prefer to be with people one on one, or in small groups. When I first met you, me and my best friend were still really good friends but she was spending more and more time with her college friends and her boyfriend, and I was putting in all the effort into that friendship. A few months in I realized she wasn't going to be there for me in the way she had been, and coincidentally at the same time, I was falling in love with you. Then you went to America for the summer and I followed you over and we became really close and really serious as it was pretty much just me and you. You became my person, my best friend and I really relied on you for everything from my self esteem to my security. I think over the last year this has just grown and while you were happy be that way too during the "honey-moon period," and I have no doubt you that you love me, I think that total reliance on each other isn't how you are as a person. So as you find you want to regain a bit more of your independence, and not live in each others pockets, I've felt a bit lost. It didn't help that when you finished college and decided to get out and see your friends more, most of my closer friends were out of the country and I wasn't getting much work, so I had a lot of time on my hands to feel lonely during. I think your also a bit of a mans man, and while, in the first flushes of love, you were happy to be really soppy and tell me how much you love me etc etc, now you feel you've said it often enough and I should just know by now, but I'm very much a heart on my sleeve kind of person, and when you stopped saying these things as much, or sending little texts just to say your thinking of me or you love me, I took it very personally. I'd get upset and hurt, you'd leave without resolving it, and we'd get into these massive rows. I think a a result of those rows, you've lost patience with me and often refuse to deal with things. This means that you do avoid stupid arguments but also you also inadvertently avoid dealing with things that are actually important to me and I tend to feel like you dont care how I'm feeling, while in actual fact you just cant deal with the hysterics. I think you might have also lost some respect for me to an extent because of how badly I have sometimes dealt with you in the past, and as a result you often don't seem to take me seriously and also resort to name calling and cursing. I worry also that sometimes you view me as clingy, needy and a dead weight because I call or text a often as I do, and because I look for validation and your time so much. I need you to understand that that is not my intention. You seem to interpret my irritation as possessiveness and me being controlling or jealous, if I get upset that you choose your friends over me etc. But my motivation is a) because I miss you, and due to you toning things down a bit, I've been panicking that you dont enjoy being with me anymore, and b) I really rely on you hugely as a confidante and comfort, and I place a lot of (possibly too much) significance on your opinion of me. To the extent that sometimes I take your choosing to see other people over me as a rejection, rather than seeing it for what it is which is just you, placing and totally separate value on someone else's company which does not reflect your opinion of me personally. I want to stress btw that I have no problem with you seeing your friends!!! I promise.Lastly I think that all these things combined stress you out and mean that we really conect less regularly as spending time with me probably can feel like a chore, but I think that it's important for us to connect more through just talking because, as much as I enjoy just being with you and vegging out in front of the t.v. sometimes, I also miss talking to you about anything and everything (and I realise the reason for that not happening as much might be that so regularly we end up arguing or squabbling).P.S. I'm sorry if I freak you out with "future talk" but despite that fact that im a girl and I like to think about these things, I'm not trying to trap you and there's tons I want to do and see before I settle down etc. so if I mention these things, you really dont need to take me too seriously.Anyway to get to the end of this essay :P, the point of sending this to you is to try and explain the way I think about these things. I dont have the answers about how we should deal with it, whether you need to reassure and prop me up a bit more, and meet me half way, or If I need to deal with these insecurities by myself, of maybe a mix of both. But I do need to ask you to be patient with me because whether or not I'm over thinking this far too much, it's really affecting me and getting me down. I need you to reassure me a bit too. I love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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best friend, insecure, jealous, period, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 July 2012):
Part 2 - (Cont'd).
....And giving him his freedom, will make a HUGE difference to the quality of your relationship, I promise you.
The more I think about it, printing your email as a letter and mailing it to him, would be a far superior choice - rather than than just sending it as an email.
Then he receives it straight away.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 July 2012):
Hi there. You express yourself very well, and put your thoughts out there very clearly indeed.
And this makes it so much easier to interpret exactly what you mean, about how you feel.
So this then makes his understanding of what you say, very simple.
So that's half the battle won.
And by the way, you could either send this or print it out as a letter, and mail it to him.
If you mail it, it could be easier for him because he can pick up the letter and read it, go away and think about it, then go back to it again later - and reread it.
At his leisure.
Otherwise, you have to hope that he actually turns his computer on in the first place.
Whereas, if you print it out as a letter on MS Word, and then you mail it to him, he has it straight away, without any delay.
So that's also an advantage to you. Because he sees it sooner.
So the story is that you both lived in another country first, then he went to the USA for college or whatever it was, and then you followed him over and you both stayed.
So you must both be on student visas, is that right?
Or are you immigrating there permanently?
In any case, it does seem that you probably have been depending on him for your main source of happiness, and he is starting to feel that pressure, no doubt.
So with that being the case, it would be great for you to start making some friends of your own, which will give you more independence and a life of your own, completely separate from your life with him.
Which as a result, makes you less reliant on him to be your only companionship.
When you make another person your only source of happiness, it places a lot of pressure on them to continuously keep you happy.
In the end, it does take it's toll and puts a lot of stress on the relationship as well.
It can start to feel somewhat stifling for that person, and especially over time it can become a problem on it's own.
It's perfectly normal that he would want to be with the guys sometimes, just to talk about guy stuff.
It is possible to spend too much time together, to a point where it feels extremely, like being in a prison.
Not meaning to offend you in any way, it is just that there can be too much of a good thing.
Or rather, too much of only ONE thing in your life.
So there is a lack of variety, as such.
And the same thing goes for you also. You need variety as well.
Variety in being with different people, different activities, being in different places.
So it's nothing to do with him not wanting to be with you, more that he just needs his own space, and the time to be with his own mates.
And when you do get upset with him wanting to be with his mates, well then this comes across to him as you being needy and desperate.
So that in turn, pushes him even further away from you.
It's a kind of cycle.
To draw him back into wanting to spend more time with you, you must allow him the free time to see his mates, whenever he wants to.
And when you allow that to naturally happen - without any pressure - he will see his mates, however, it will come to be less and less often, that he will feel the NEED to see his mates, as much as he does now.
He will be wanting to spend more time with you instead.
So, the long and the short of all this is, if you apply pressure to stay at home and hang out with you all the time and get upset when he insists on going to see his mates, well then he wants to be free of this pressure from you more and more.
So more and more, ultimately means more and more time with his mates.
Which is the opposite, of what you really want!
So consequently, less pressure by you, for him to sit at home with you, means that there is less NEED for him to escape the negativity of you wanting him to be with you all the time!
Do you see what I mean here?
Less pressure by you, means less reason for him to escape to his mates.
So more time with you.
More pressure by you, means the greater the NEED for him to escape the negativity and see his mates.
So less time with you.
You have a choice here.
And giving him his freedom, will make a HIUGE
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