A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together for 8 years. We just got engage last year; however our relationship have always been a roller coaster. We have a lot of problems; mainly trust issues. I have found condom with him on several occasions, and his explanations make no sense to me. Anyways, the years had gone by and we seem to lost our spark too. Too much fighting, not getting alone, too much work etc. I feel like our love die along the way. Recently, I started flirting with a lesbian friend of mine. It all started very simple, but then we kissed. After we kissed my whole life changed; it felt incredible good. I enjoyed that kiss so much that I couldn't stop thinking about it. It is crazy 'cause I don't like woman; but I feel so attracted to her in all senses; she is smart, funny, and cute. She is a very masculine female. After that happened, I asked my fiance for some space. He was extremely surprised; 'cause we always have issues in our relationship but we have never taken time apart. He was devastated, it broke my heart. He wants to try and don't want to let go. Then, he started to get suspicious and wanted to look at my phone and my FB account. We had a fight about that and then he slept out of the house for the whole week. Meanwhile, my lesbian friend broke up with her gf, and we have continue talking. We have tried to stay away from each other; but we always find a way to see each other. I told her I needed space to heal from my current relationship; but we haven't been able to stay away from each other. and now our feelings gotten stronger. I am terrified of this whole situation; I can't talk to anybody about it. I don't want to hurt my bf's feelings. He doesn't want to let go and I just need some time for myself to think about all this. However, when I think about my relationship with her, it is hard to picture a future with kids, marriage, and acceptance from my family. But, When I picture myself with my bf, I see myself marry with kids, settle, but unhappy. Sometimes, I wonder if I am going thru some kind of mid-life crisis sort of. I am 35 years old; and I am not at the age of being experimenting; all of my friends are marry with kids. Then here I am thinking about starting to date a woman...OMG..I just don't know what to do? I am so confused, what if I break up with my bf and things don't work out with her. Then, I loose everything I had sort of wanting to accomplish, kids, marriage, family. What if this is just a phase that will eventually fade away? What if I am not compatible with her? What if I don't like it with her; it was only a kiss? All those questions, and I don't have the answers to..so frustrated..Need advise..
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broke up, condom, fiance, flirt, his ex, lesbian, spark Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Nehemie Mb  +, writes (1 July 2012):
Well I can't even start to imagine how confusing and unsettling this is for you. I will not say too many things because it seems that in this kind of issues, you have to find your way for yourself. I may help to shine some light though.In my honest opinion after 8 years of being in a relationship, there are some major things you should be absolutely and unquestionably sure about. But apparently you still question if being with your boyfriend is a good idea or not. You even mentioned that you see a future with him as being "unhappy"!!! I mean, that seals it all!!! You've always had problems, your relationship has always been a roller-coaster, and all...don't you think it's time for something better? Or at least something new??? (I'm referring to your lesbian relationship here as something new)Listen, you say you're not at the age of experimentation, who said? I think midlife crises happen because people stop experimenting, they stop trying new things, they get too comfortable and then, THEY GET STUCK! With seemingly no options.So, you can always experiment any time, Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Also, don't compare yourself to others, what's the point of being like any other person? You're you, you are unique a that uniqueness comes with a special beauty. The most important thing is to be happy, in everything you do! So, to conclude I'll ask you, don't look to the difficulties yet, just ask yourself..."What makes me more happy right now?" or better "Who makes me more happy?" don't worry if it's your girlfriend, I know it comes with many controversies and difficulties, there's always a solution. You can adopt children, for example, and if your family really do love you (which they do) they'll accept your choice, maybe not directly, but they sure will!!!What makes you happy? Every time you have a choice to make always ask yourself "What makes me happiest?" And then chose it without worrying about what you'll lose or anything else! I hope you'll find your way. Be strong!
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Hi Canada, You are or were in a currently unsatisfying, unhappy and unfulfilling relationship with your boyfriend. You guys argue and are distant with each other and you said it yourself that the love died a long time ago. My question to you is why stay? True 8 years is a long time and I am sure...just like every woman in a long relationship, you think of the investment of love, time and energy that you have put into this. And that the years are passing by and you have nothing compared to your married friends with the babies and picket fences.Newsflash though, not everyone is meant to have the same type of life. Life has a habit of changing on you just like that. Would you rather for the sake of being just like your friends sacrifice the happiness of your future children and yourself just because you want to catch up to the time train that your freinds are on? Raising a family in an unhappy environment is torture. It not only affects the wife and mother but it also affects the kids. You said yourself that you have found a condom on him and his explanantion made no sense. You were probably right hun....women are blessed with a sixth sense to these things...he was probably lying anyway about the condom. Your intuition is telling what you need to know...don't let your fear of being alone and not being able to have a family take you to a place of an unhappy lifetime of marriage. With regards to you kissing a girl....so what! You are vulnerable right now because of your feelings about your relationship. You are uncertain about where you life is going and are just in a bad place. This woman just happnened to be there for you and she's giving you what you intially want from your fiance. It is that simple.In this situation, of course you will cultivate feelings for her, and appreciate her affection. Nothing is wrong with that. Are you a lesbian? Only you can answer that. You already know you want the babies, the family, the husband...and you KNOW she cannot give you that. Your family seems to not be the type to appreciate that either. I can tell you now that you are not in love with this woman....and I can tell you that your relationship with your fiance isn't going to get any better if you continue the way you are going. You need to stop being manipulated by him. I think you have reached the breaking point where a firm decision needs to be made. What I would suggest is that you sit with him and tell him how you feel. Be honest and tell him about how you feel about this lady and let him know that he is pushing you away. If you really want to work on this, then I also suggest counselling for both of you. Lay out your expectations .Stop thinking "Oh I'm 35 and time is running out" Decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life happy...or whether you want to spend it miserable.Good Luck
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