A
male
age
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*rk1225
writes:Mine is related to an emotional affair. I am married andI work 4 hours from home. I have an apartment i maintain 4 days a week. There is a woam I work with, and I am her boss. I am deeply attracted to her. We have gone to lunch, have gone out for drinks after work, alone and with other co workers. She is also married. We talk in the office, text, email, and sometimes we used to after work. This has gone on for about 2 years. Because we are both married nothing other than what I described has happened. I have fallen for her. HEr marriage is up and down, and I am basically separated. When I go home on weekends there are a lot of fights and few if any intimate moments. Lately the relationship at work has cooled. She does not text, email etc like before. She finds reasons not to particapate in meetings, and has basically cooled off. We have never said anything about love, like etc.. I don't know what to do. I instant messeged her yesterday, asked if she was ok, that i sensed something. She just sent back that I was losing it. I sent back, no I lost it a long time ago. She sent back, something like yeah me too..and that was it. In the past there would have been more. I guess in my mind any potential hope for me is over with her. Maybe her home life has improved, or she is not interested anymore after a couple of years. I just wish there could be more than just cold turkey...Now I am struggling, and need to decide what to do. The emotional pain is very hard, to the point I may have to leave...might be best...bottom line this stinks!!!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 July 2012):
Hi. You are always going to see attractiveness in others at times, even though you are married or in a relationship.
I guess what it really comes down to now, is what you want from this emotional connection with this woman at work.
Have you given that any thought as yet?
What do you hope will happen?
Are you hoping she wants to take it further, and for it to become a full-blown affair?
Do you want to take it to the next level?
And if you do, what do you intend doing after that?
What is it you feel for your wife now, since this new woman has become a part of your life?
Do you still love your wife?
It's clear that this other woman at work, is attracted to you in the same way, so there's the connection in the first place.
So it could well be, that you are unsure of where you stand with your own feelings.
And it's clear that you feel some disappointment, that this woman at work has cooled off a bit.
There could be some confusion for you at the moment, by not knowing where to go from here.
It sounds like it.
You basically don't know where you stand now, with this woman.
In any case, to clarify things for you once and for all, as "Prawn" said here, you do need to ask this woman out for a coffee where you can chat, and ask her why she doesn't want to talk to you so much anymore, and just see what she says.
Another thing to keep in mind with office relationships, is that the minute things go sour or you start to have problems, then it always affects your work in a very negative way.
And it WILL get in the way of you making sound business decisions on the job.
It's one of the big downfalls of office romances.
And it's almost impossible to avoid.
So something else to think about.
The main thing now, is you have to decide what it is you really want.
And you won't be able to move forward in any direction, until you do.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 July 2012):
 It simply doesn't matter if it was loneliness or not. You fell in love with her. I am not faulting you for that. The same thing happened to me with someone at work...it was an emotional affair. The thing is, no matter how intensely you feel, you are both married. I felt a deep connection, and thought he did too. But guess what? He left, with no explanation. Is it hard? Yes. Does it stink? Yes. But both of you proceeded. Both of you likely knew something special was happening and you chose to proceed, as did I. When we proceed with things we know are questionable/wrong, we have to accept the consequences. Now, if I was in your position, I would call her/text her and ask her what is going on with the two of you. Tell her your feelings and see what she says. But remember, this is a provocative situation. She doesn't have to explain to you if she doesn't want to. The fact she is married should be explanation enough. My guy didn't explain anything to me and I thought we meant more to one another than that...apparently we didn't. You see, you do not have a committment with this woman. You may think you do (I thought my guy was in love with me and would always communicate with me and stand by me), but you don't. She may have realized that she isn't getting divorced and neither are you (or no indication of that in this post), so why proceed further? Those are just my thoughts since I have been in the situation. I was not lonely either. I became friends with this man and it lead to all the texts, emails, phone calls, and dinners in groups. I know what I was doing was questionable, but the intense connection felt good and I chose to go with it. I know how you feel though, as I still think about this man occassionally. But, it doesn't do us any good to think about what could have been, but it really never was...except in our own minds.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 July 2012):
 I'm sorry you are so unhappy at home. I suggest that you consider a real separation (i.e. NOT going home any more and figuring out if a divorce is viable)
as for your co-worker... sounds like she's done. She's being polite but clearly you are no longer on her radar as affair material.
I strongly STRONGLY disagree with the poster than said that swapping body fluids is needed for an affair. My heart broke more from my ex-husband's emotional affairs than his physical ones...
seems to me that you know in your heart it's over and you want to make sure that
a. it was not your fault it's over (and it probably was not)
b. if you leave your unhappy marriage you will be desired by other women and not alone for the rest of your life (and you probably will not be alone but you need time to heal)
Sounds to me like it's time for you to get out on your own and have a new life.
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A
male
reader, trk1225 +, writes (2 July 2012):
trk1225 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPrawn's reply was a good one. Our contact started with work related conversation. For the past 3 years of working closely there were a lot of conversations, and what hurt me is looking deep into her eyes. That's where i feel for her.Some of the posters dismiss this as lonliness, but I have other people I work closely with, so why do i have such strong feelings for her? I have over 120 people that report into me, and have close incounters with a lot of them. I spend a lot of time with others, and nothing...
thanks for your thoughts and opinions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Until you swap fluids there is no harm no foul. At least not an insurmountable one.
I would knock it off now before it gets any more complicated.
If not you owe to your spouse to get things out on the table.
It's her life and future too.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 July 2012):
Hi there. Perhaps loneliness is a big part of your problem, and why you began this association with the woman at your work in the first place.
I say this, because you mentioned here that you rent a place during the week, so you do not see your wife on those 4 days.
And on those 4 days of the week, you sleep at the apartment each night.
And the fact that you are this woman's boss, which means you have to talk to each other on and off through your average work day, it has opened an opportunity for you to talk anyway.
And because you are not seeing hour wife each day, this woman at work has become somewhat of a substitute.
And you have become closer than you otherwise would.
This woman is married and is seeing her husband every day and night, so it's very unlikely that it's going to change, and nor should it.
And remembering that you are also married, even though 4 days of every week you sleep at the rented apartment, to avoid a long trip back and forth each day.
Is it possible that you could work closer to home - like within 30 minutes, which is quite reasonable?
The real problem as I see it here, is that you are lonely and that's at the basis of your reaching out to someone you see every day - this woman at work.
In different circumstances, that person would be your wife, when you arrived home at night - and before you left in the morning.
You would be better off giving your wife a call at least once or twice every day, just to say "Hi! How's your day been?"
It doesn't sound like much, however it would feel like a LOT to your wife.
At the very least, it would say to her that you are thinking about her on a regular basis.
And that means so much more than words could ever say.
You are getting close to the wrong person.
Loneliness can make people do desperate things, it really can.
To illustrate this to you and to clarify it, if you worked only 30 minutes from home, you would be going home to your wife every single night.
Therefore, no loneliness.
Can you see the difference here?
And no doubt, the arguments you have with your wife, is all about the loneliness that she feels also.
And her not knowing how long a period of time, you are going to be working 4 hours drive from home.
What I mean by that, is do you intend working this 4 hour driving distance from home, till you decide to retire?
Or, are you currently looking around for work much closer to home, so you have time with your wife every day?
The situation you are now in, by living 4 days of every week in a rented apartment, is equivalent to a part time long distance relationship, isn't it?
Because you are sleeping in your own house, only 3 days out of 7. Which is less than half of the week.
That's a lot of absenteeism, isn't it?
And it's also a lot of loneliness for both you and your wife.
So there you have it.
You would be much better off working things out with your wife, to improve that relationship and also working on a plan to find a job closer to home.
That will almost certainly solve most of your current issues.
Then, both you and your wife will have each other's company once more.
I realize you have to work with this woman at work, however it would be much better to restrict it back to a professional relationship only.
No more texting or calling each other during the day, and definitely NO drinks after work anymore.
If you continued the way you were before she cooled off, it will certainly lead to more than just an emotional connection between you.
And you stand to lose everything you have right now in your life, as it would cause untold problems in your marriage. I can pretty much guarantee that.
And you would live to regret going any further with this woman, than just drinks after work.
You can already see the problems it is causing her with her own husband - the ups and downs, as you said.
She is probably starting to feel some guilt about it, and so she becomes a bit agitated and short tempered at home because of it.
So hence, the arguments.
So to continue on as you were, would undoubtedly cause so many problems, which is just not worth the trouble, surely - or the pain.
A lot of people would get hurt - namely, your wife and her husband.
Then you would be even more lonely!
And if it developed any more, the chances of happiness between you and this woman at work, are very low indeed, as it began out of deceit.
So then there would always be trust issues - for you and her both.
So it wouldn't last long at all.
So don't even go down that path whatever you do.
It's just NOT worth it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Maybe she has came to her senses and realised that the path she was going down with you was wrong. You are both married and no matter what way the marriages are you should still be faithful to your partners. Maybe she has decided to work on her marriage and that means going cold turkey with you. Yes this might be painful for you but at the end of the day you should never have crossed this line. At least you never had a physical affair and I know it can be hard sometimes to not fall for someone. But the bottom line is you need to accept she is married and give her the space she obviously needs. You should also try and put more attention in to your own marriage, or if you feel it is not working then end things so you are free to do as you please.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (1 July 2012):
I have been in this situation and it is hard one. Although, the man was married and I was single. This is basically what we did. We emailed one another and occassionally went out to dinner with a small group. After some time, he decided he was done. He wouldn't explain anything to me and closed himself off. These situations most often end in pain. One person may decide she can't deal with it anymore or she may get bored or whatever. I don't know why, exactly, but considering you're both married could be the reason. Maybe she does not see a future with you and knowing this decided to protect herself instead of continue getting closer to you?
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