A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiMy question is next weekend I will meeting my ex to return his dvds. It’s been 3 months since our breakup and this will be the first time we’ll meet. I am dreading this meet up but another reason to meet up is to get closure. We were together for 4 months. How shall I act when we meet up and I don’t know how to be with him? He’s not very good at expressing his feelings and emotions so I am concerned he won’t want to discuss the break up. I am disappointed that he broke up with me. At the beginning of things, I wanted to be friends to see how things would go between us but he wanted to date me and wanted a relationship. Four months later, he doesn’t want a relationship as he’s not happy and feels we didn’t click. I think the real reason he broke up with me is he isn’t ready for a relationship. Thanks
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 April 2014):
 It was a 4 months relationship that just didn't work out, it happens. Getting closure is such a trite idea. Because no one really get "closure" after a relationship ends. The only way you REALLY achieve closure is to accept that the relationship DIDN'T work out and that all YOU can do is learn from it.
It's been 3 months, which should be plenty of time for BOTH of you to accept it didn't work, and to move on.
I get that you are disappointed. But would you rather have a BF who really don't WANT to be with you? He ended it because he just didn't feel you two were a good match. THAT was the RIGHT thing to do. BOTH parties HAVE to WANT a relationship to make it work. JUST because YOU felt it SHOULD work, doesn't mean it will.
Maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship. Maybe he just wasn't as INTO you as you were into him. Maybe he wasn't as attracted to you and he had initially hoped to be.
You can met up and "demand" closure" and he will most likely tell you the same things he did when he broke up with you.
What you want to hear is.. It's not you, it's me. THAT is what he told you. THIS isn't a criticism of you. That isn't why he broke up. He just didn't see the two of you as a good fit. Sort of square peg, round hole.
As for friendship? It can be hard if ONE person wanted or wants more. Then it cross boundaries of friendship. He is an ex. There is no GREAT reason to be "friends". It will be a constant reminder for you, that he wasn't INTO you and he will be friends more out of pity then actual friendship.
And I agree, NO sex after a break up.
Just give him back the DVD's. Show him you have moved on too and wish him luck. Even if that is not exactly how you feel. Because there is nothing worse then a drama-llama making a mountain out of a molehill.
Relationships CAN be hit or miss. This one was a miss. Let it go.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 April 2014):
 So, after a 4 months long ,on total, relationship, and 3 months from breaking up, you want to meet him in person to discuss the hows and whys of the breakup?.... let it go. You are only going to make yourself look ridicolous, and a nuisance.
What do you mean , you want " closure " ? The guy signaled that he does not want to stay with you , and also give you his explanation. It may be the absolute factual truth, or it may be not - anyway it is the explanation that he has officially chosen for dumping you.
So, I suspect that by " closure " you mean " forcing him somehow to give you another explanation that you can like better and that coincides more with what YOU think ". In other words, closure is " getting him to say what you want to hear ".
Let it go. He may resist your attempt and it may end up in some unnecessary, ugly confrontation. Or, to get rid of you, he may say, sure, just like you said, you are right, - But, would you know if he means it or if he is just going " whatever " to get rid of you...?
Make your own closure. Accept that it did not work, and move on. And, as the others say, just send him his DVDs, you do not need to meet him in person.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 April 2014):
 How is talking to him about the breakup, and going over it all again going to help you put it behind you and move on.
He is under no obligation to discuss anything with you, not the weather, not the football results nor the breakup.
If he has asked for the return of his DVDs pop them in a post pak and mail them to him.
If you are using the DVDs as a means to force him into giving you some sort of closure where you are expecting him to talk about the break up when you are already aware he is not good at emotions and feelings you are hoping for too much. It just aint gonna happen!
Give yourself a break and cancel the meeting, that is all the closure you need.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 April 2014):
I agree with the idea of 'closure' being a waste of time. You can spend so much time working out what happened, what could have been different, what went wrong, what if you'd said something, what if he'd said something etc, etc, and you still can't be sure that it's the truth.
Hand over the DVD's and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): Give him back his DVDs and move on.
If you could get along, you wouldn't have broke-up in the first place. You're just missing having someone in a relationship. Only because it got cozy. You're forgetting the reason for the breakup. The problem is unresolved, and you can talk yourself into a tizzy. Four months apart, he has had a chance to move on. He has tasted freedom again.
If he doesn't want a relationship, why are your trying to corner him into having one? Shouldn't you both be on the same page about it? Shouldn't he come willingly?
You're going to setback your progress in moving on by trying to rekindle a relationship the guy doesn't want anymore. That's going to make you feel worse. He'll disagree about taking you back, you'll get upset; and then feel miserable. When all you should have done was returned the DVDs.
"We can be friends" is just a way of dragging out the breakup. You can still cling to hope; hoping maybe having you around will change his mind. How friendly will you feel if he wants to date someone?
It's hard, and you might be lonely. You could have mailed the DVDs, or had a friend take them over. You're going to open fresh wounds; because you're building up your hopes that this meeting is a reconciliation. Most likely it's not.
You don't want to be friends. You want your boyfriend back.
Settling for his friendship out of pity is beneath you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 April 2014):
 Frankly, I'd avoid this "meet-up"..... wrap his DVDs in a package, mail it to him, and never see him again....
"Closure" is 'way overrated....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 April 2014):
 The one thing you can do to prepare is to decide now what you want the OUTCOME of the meeting to be. Getting closure is too broad of an intention. Is it to hear that he made a mistake? Is it to hear that he misses you? Is it to hear that he has another woman? All of those things are possibilities.
You are your own closure. Some people can talk to their exes until they are blue in the face and never get closure while others never see their exes again and move on with no further emotional baggage. No matter what he says or you say, you are your own closure.
I would highly recommend no post-relationship sex. That's when it gets messy and dumb, and "closure" becomes an excuse to hang on. So decide what you want out of the meeting, and then make it happen. But don't say stuff like "we can still be friends".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): Personally. I'd just drop his things off and leave. I'd be polite and civil but I wouldn't bother to stop and chat and I certainly wouldn't stop to discuss the relationship or why it hadn't worked.You say you want closure but what do you mean by "closure". I think closure is overrated because, for me, it means getting a "full explanation of why the relationship failed in a way that I can accept and understand". The key words being "accept" and "understand". However, I often found that I COULDN'T accept or understand the reasons that my exes gave me so I never really felt that I got closure anyway.If your interpretation of closure is similar to mine (and I'm trying to change my beliefs) and your boyfriend is the type who has difficulty expressing his emotions - I seriously doubt you will get the kind of answers you want/need from him.For example, your ex has already explained that he felt "you didn't click". This should be closure enough but you don't really believe that. You believe that he wasn't ready for a relationship. If, at this meeting you have, he steadfastly maintains that he felt you "didn't click", will you simply accept that and believe it? Or will you try to get "the truth" out of him and get him to admit that he wasn't ready for a relationship?And what if he does admit to not having been ready? Will you be able to accept that and walk away? Or will there be further questions like "Why weren't you ready" or "When will you be ready" or "Were you just using me" etc etc etcI'm not saying that you definitely SHOULDN'T have this chat with him (even though I find it a pointless exercise) but be prepared for the fact that you might not get the answers you feel you need.Good luck,
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