A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i posted this a while back as a follow-up to the question "Can he love me that much and still be that relentlessly cruel?". there was only one reply (thank you, basschick), but it's still bothering me, so i'm re-asking."we've been doing well lately. getting along, bickering every now and then, and still making up with kisses and tenderness at the end. he loves me, i love him, we're in love."then last night... he did that thing where he'll randomly remember it or something will remind him of *my past*, and he'll start to be cold toward me. i ended up getting torn up and he held me while i cried and when i began to throw up, he got water and napkins for me and held my hair back and began being sweet again."...then i remembered two more."there were two more that i'd left out. not because i did it on purpose, i had just forgotten about them. one was one of those goofy little sandbox tight-lipped kisses, and i had completely forgotten about it over the years."the second was one little one with a guy that i'd met over a mission trip. i regretted it and felt ashamed instantly, apologized, and completely forced it out of my mind for the longest time."... i remember that now, and it's been plaguing me. i'm scared to death to tell him about it, because i'm scared shitless that he will dislike me or think much less of me."if he's still not over the first wave of truth, how will he possibly be able to accept this? will he want rid of me? i just don't know if i should tell him, or what i could possibly say to reconcile, or if i should even tell him at all. regardless, it's killing me."please, please help me. i'm at a loss."... i am seriously stressing out. i don't know why, i know that it's not that serious of a thing to keep secret, and i know that if i tell him he will probably have a huge upset reaction.but i've been stressing about this constantly. we kind of had it out yesterday, and got on the subject again. he looked me in the eye and said "please, if there's anything you think i would want to know, plaese tell me." and i wanted to throw myself at him and tell him right there. it's killing me to have any kind of secret from him.i don't know who's blowing what out of proportion, but i've had anxiety forever about it, and i just don't know what to do.i'm scared he will break up with me if i tell, and i'm scared that if i don't, i will break down, and the longer i wait to tell him, i'm scared that the worse it will be.please help me, agony aunts. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sweetlilpeachx69  +, writes (20 September 2007):
let him know we all have a past he needs to get over it. but at the same time how can he get over what he doesnt know. tell him you dont want him to dislike you because you love him so much but keeping things from him is killing you !!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): What is so, so, sad is that you have managed to get yourself in such a bad state over something that wasn't even a problem until you found yourself in this relationship. I mean, being sick, that is pretty extreme. Can you not see that it is your boyfriends reaction that is causing you to feel so terrible. Don't you think that says a lot about your boyfriend than the fact he then holds your hair back when you're being sick?As blunt as it sounds, there are so many people in the world, and if one person wants to judge you badly for your past then there are plenty of people out there who wouldn't.It sounds like your boyfriend is pretty emotionally immature and I don't think any good will come from you sharing any more of your past with him. How could it?I think though, you'll end up telling him because you want his approval, and he wants to know because he is feeling insecure about it already and he thinks he'll feel better if he knows "everything". But he won't, he'll feel worse. If a guy thinks less of you or wants to break up with you over some past experience then it is probably for the best.You need to stop feeling like you have some shameful past because you don't. The choices you made in the past were right at the time and you shouldn't make yourself regret anything because your past is what has made you who you are now.All of this is about your boyfriend needing to learn that you had a past before you met him and that doesn't in any way change who you are. And unless he can do that, he'll loose you, and then carry on loosing women until he learns.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (20 September 2007):
 be completely honest about anything. that way if he walks out on you, at least you know you did right by him, if you decide that you're not going to tell him and he finds out further down the line there are no chances he'll stay.he's asked you outright, so he's prepared for the worst.good luck and best wishes
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