A
female
age
51-59,
*utiebanker
writes:my boy friend(hubby) and i went to new york city hall to register for marriage more than a month ago. legally we're married, and we're hoping to have a formal make-up wedding next year when we're more financially stable. before we registered, i spent a long time communicating with my family (they're in another country), and they finally accepted our registry without any wedding. at that point of time, i didn't think too much about the fact that he didn't tell any of his family members or closest friends. now that i asked him why no one on his side knows about us, he explained he felt embarrassed for not being able to throw a wedding. i told him that's fine, but i'm traditional and believe at least parents, siblings and closest friends won't mind and should know. however, he still said he's too busy to deal with it, while he spent at least 4 hours a day watching tv or playing video games after work. when i started to complain a bit, he told me not to get on his nerve, started to yell and swear at me, and then we ended up having a big fight. it's so frustrating that an easy thing would to my surprise lead to a big fight. i don't know what he's thinking about cuz it's not like he's not close to his family or anything. he always emphasizes he cares about his family a lot, and doesn't allow anyone including me to criticize them a bit. he makes me feel as if he was forced into this dysfunctional marriage that can't even handle simple/normal issues. i seriously am thinking about putting an end to this marriage since it seems to be a shameful one that can't be shared with anyone for him and shouldn't even have happened. i hate to think i was married to end up getting divorce within such a period of time. but if it takes a hurtful failure of marriage for me to finally realize it's not meant to be, i'll have to face the music. please share with me your opinions, and give me some directions as to what i'm supposed to do. i'm very very confused. thank you very much.
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female
reader, cutiebanker +, writes (20 September 2007):
cutiebanker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe were together for almost 2 years before we got married. i'm originally from another country if that counts for a difference. but we have the same ethnic background, similar educational level (i have 2 master's degrees) and religious affiliation. and he introduced me to his family within 1 month after our first date. to be honest, among his family members, i didn't get along with his closest brother that well because of some misunderstandings (he thought i was addicted to vicodin JUST because he saw i had the bottle. and i felt insulted...etc..)
his dad got divorced twice, and is with the third wife now. i don't know if that's the reason he's having this attitude towards marriage now as it's a game that can be ended at any time. i do feel as if i'm a shame for him that should be hidden. but no one forced him into marriage. i really think i made a big mistake by marrying him. (sighs)
A
female
reader, cutiebanker +, writes (20 September 2007):
cutiebanker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is just to clarify that the previous anonymous writer is me. sorry i'm new to this website and not familiar with the functions yet.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (20 September 2007):
 There seems to me to be a definate big problem here. Is he ashamed of you? Is there a racial, religeous, or nationality differance that he thinks his family wouldnt approve of? How long were you together before getting married? Marriage should be a joyous announcement and even if he cant afford to have the huge celebration that he would like to right now, he still should want to tell everyone he meets he has found the love of his life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): thanks for your response. and sorry for the confusion.
yes, i'm 100% that we were married. the ceremony was held at the ny city hall more than 1 month ago. hope i make myself more clear this time. thanks anyway.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (20 September 2007):
Are you sure you are even married? From what you wrote it sounds like you obtained your marriage licence, but did not actually have a marriage ceramony. If that is the case then you are not married. You would have had to stood before a judge in a civel ceramony and him asked you to take this man as husband, etc, and then Pronounced you man and wife. Did any of that happen? Or did you just fill out some forms at a counter, pay a fee, and were given a certificate?
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