A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am totaly lost. About 3 months ago I broke up with my ex bf (he didnt treat me right). It was hard though because i was dependent on him to make me feel good, to make me feel valued and important. Yet i did it and wanted to work on myself. Ive been told i MUST have insecurities that lead to my desperate need to be told im love every second of the day. However what i dont undrstand is how i could have so many inseucrites, i mean its not as if i can think of heaps of horrible things about myself. so i dont get it....if someone doesnt like me tho, then i dont like myself. anyway, basicaly with my ex bf, i depended on him to make me feel good. and it got to the point of an exstreme where i felt i needed to be with him 24/7 otherwise i thought he dindt love me. i think i was overly needy and clingy.durng the time after the breakup, for awhile i felt sooo down about myself. but somehow i started to feel good again. i was really having a good life i thought. then one week ago i started dating a friend and for the first few days i was happy as ever. but then, it all came back. i started becoming dependent on him (already!) to make me feel like i was a good person. this is crazy, i know. i want to stop it, cuz it wares medown and i know it will cause problems in any relationships i may have.but i am lost about how to stop this!!! i was going good until i foudn another guy...it just all started again.i hate feeling dependent on someone to make me feel good about myself, to actualy feel valued and so on. any tips??? ive tired all sorts of activitiees from my counsellor but the havent seemed to help :(
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female
reader, cindy88 +, writes (11 October 2009):
HI!!!!
oh my lord this is me! lol ok so i went through a phase where i thought that i could only be happy if my bf kept telling me he loves me, spent all his time with me etc. Then i realised, after many drama's, that this is my life. How can one person provide all the answers i need? i realised i have to do that on my own. Relationships need to be supportive, not Dependant. Dependant relationships are for children. you are your own person! do things without a boy, see friends, take on new challenges. You need to nurture yourself for growth and happiness. It's a really hard cycle to break, but once you do you will have the last laugh!
I know i don't know you, but im sure you are beautiful in you own way, smart and know you only have one chance in this game! good luck :) xoxox
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (18 October 2007):
 Thanks RCN, I learned something too! Anon, this sounds silly but if you could put a list together of all the good qualities about you and then look at yourself in a mirror and read them aloud. Be good to yourself. It's ok to tell yourself that you are good and that you love yourself. I honestly don't know how to get over the addiction part in a relationship. I think lots of us struggle with this. I do believe that you recognizing this in yourself is a VERY big step towards "recovery." One thing I did was to volunteer my time to either physical or giving types of activities. I found that it does make you feel better inside. I do wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 October 2007):
 What I used to build myself up was using roles. I wasn't needy, per se, but I felt more complete when dating. I had to find out how to be happy for myself, because I really couldn't share love with someone, until I found love not being with anyone.
Each relationship we have different roles we play. Such as being a parent. I have education, taking care of my children, free time (park and play), etc. What I did is wrote down my different roles. I have a role to my church, school, music, parent, friend, employee. I then write down 1 goal per role from each of the following areas: "physical" part, "mental", "spiritual", and "social/emotional"
I'll give an example again with my kids. My girls run, run, run so I have to take walks because they expect me to run right along with them, that would be the physical. The mental is to understand better what's going on with them so I'm not as confused or stressed with certain behaviors. The spiritual is to be thankful for every moment we spend together, and to realize they are truly a blessing in my life. The social/emotional would be to take part in the bd parties, and activities and get to know parents of children they spend time with and build friendships with them as well.
Now that's just an example. After I'm done figuring out what my goals are, I write down on my calendar allocating time for each goal.
The reason I use this method is happiness comes from balance. What throws us off balance so many times is letting life control us where we begin ignoring areas in our life that are important to us. Since beginning this process, I am much happier, my children are extremely happy, I believe it's because we're in balance. We still take care of our priorities, but we also spend plenty of time building other areas so their not ignored.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice guys :)
dearkelja- i agree i need to take time out to learn to accept and love myself, but i dont get how to do this and not fall into a relapse again when i date another guy. i honesrly thoguht after my horrible ex that i had dealt with my insecurities cuz i was at a point where i didnt rely on others. butttt now that ive found another guy, im back to relying on someone else.
I do believe that my last ex bf was a bad selection, so therefor he may of contributed to mefeeling really insecure. but i honestly think that no matter how much a person can say they love and try togive me security and all that, i still dont believe it. its like they may start of saying they love me once a week, thats good for a while, but then its not enough for me. so they have to start saying it 3 times a week...then 4, then 5 days a week, then 7....so itcomes to the point where its once a day, but then thats not enough eitherafter a while, so then it has to be twice each day and so on, and it works up to this unrealistic amount, so much where i feel i need to hear im loved every min, every second of the day! its crazy. its unrealistic for me to expect that.
rcn- can you explain to me how i build myself up??
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 October 2007):
I agree with the others, you can't do this while being with a boy. There are a couple of things going on with you. The main thing is you seek outside sources to make you feel good and complete. Happiness comes from within, outside sources give a false sense of security. I see with your story you relapsed. Look at your attachment as an addiction. You got yourself a boy again, is the same as a recovering addict being placed in a room with what they're recovering from.
You need to learn to build yourself up. Find out what you feel you're missing in your life, and build on it. Become successful for yourself, instead of requiring someone else to make you feel that way.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (17 October 2007):
I could be wrong but I am thinking there are two issues here. You definately need to start to feel comfortable on your own. If you can get your self worth internally then you will not need to rely on friends, boyfriends, etc for this self love. This is not an easy thing to do. Take some time out and learn to love yourself. Another issue you may have is not selecting the right bf who will make you feel secure. You stated that your ex did not treat you right. Sometimes when men (or women) give mixed signals or if they are themselves confused about the relationship or lack the committment gene, then they make us feel insecure and we try harder to "win" that love. But what that does is push the person further from you because most people do not like needy people. So they push away and you cling harder. I think if you have the right bf who does treat you right and who can give you the security you need in a relationship that you will be happier. Especially if you learn to love yourself. I need to warn you though, there is nothing sexier to a man than a woman who loves herself so the tables might just turn and you'll find yourself with a man who is clingy.When you feel like you are ready to try again with a bf, start things off slow and be selective. If you find yourself being clingy, it's probably not the right relationship for you but if you really like the guy, try holding yourself down a bit. All the best to you.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (17 October 2007):
You need to keep away from boys for awhile, until you realize what you can do on your own. Try out a few hobbies that your think you might enjoy.
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