A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi-I have a tough one. I am engaged to a girl that I have only known for 1.5 years and we have a 9 week old baby. She wants the relationship, yet has some serious trust and insecurity issues. Her dad cheated on her mom and her mother told her about it it during college, Her brother is now seperated and the sister in law says that he cheated on her. In addition, she has been cheated on at least twice with ex boyfriends with one of the episodes happening in her own house. Anyway, just about anything can cause the anxiety, as simple as a look in a direction or a casual hello. The insecurity materializes in verbal and physical violence; pure abandonment complex and i cannot continue to sustain a relationship with her, even though I would like to. I don't think anyone can. She wants marriage, yet I know it will just become another weapon for her to use when she is anxious, as the fights are already brutal. The way she protects herself is to do/say anything to go on the offensive before she gets hurt. I have been to couples counseling with her, where she dominated the sessions with deflection and manipulation (90% of the conversation was her talking, with the other 10% me and the pysch). Anyway, there is so much baggage to deal with - what does one do? Is there some type of cognitive therapy that she can go to; otherwise, I think I have to give up. Any advice?
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 I think the jealousy is only a small part of a much bigger problem. She is physically abusive and no one should stay in an abusive relationship, not even men. My b/f put up with horrible abuse from his former girlfriend, and physical violence was a normal occurence. Your g/f may need to attend anger-management classes to deal with her violent tendencies, if she's even willing to go. Or it may just be time to bag the relationship for someone better. You have to decide.
A
male
reader, NuVu +, writes (1 August 2007):
You're right, you do have to give up on this relationship. Even if there is some therapy that can help, she needs to resolve those problems before she is ready for a long-term relationship. Trust is the very foundation of any relationship and if it doesn't exisist, then there isn't much hope for a satisfying and loving future.
I don't know if she's said this, but she might be thinking that marriage will help this situation, but it won't. For some reason the baggage we bring into a marriage only gets more pronounced by it, so don't go down that road with her.
I don't think you have to be in a romantic relationship with this woman to care for her and your child. This woman will probably continue to chase men out of her life, so the best thing you can do is show your child some stability, by being a loving parent and a good friend to her mother.
I wish i could have come up with a better answer for you, but you sound like you've thought this out pretty clearly already, and you know what you need to do.
Good luck.
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (1 August 2007):
 Theres only so much one can do in situations like these, and it seems as though you've tried everything you already could. Its not your obligation to make her change, although its very understandable that you try to for the sake of your baby. The problem lies within herself, you know it, and she definitely knows it. But she seems to be in a self denial mode where she tries to shunt away from whatever help you get her, which is not a good thing. Change has got to come within her and till the day she accepts the fact that she has a deeper issues within her which require help, there will be no progress with your relationship.
You are right, its not possible to sustain a relationship with her if she continues this, and this is where you have to ask yourself the ultimate question, when are you going to start giving up on her (so that you can move on with living a healthier lifestyle)? Now, dont be laying yourself on a guilt trip just because you've even contemplated on packing your bags. You have every reason to want to leave as she has not changed a bit. Everyone deserves the right to be selfish sometimes, but in fact, you arent being selfish at all, this is just you trying to lead a healthy relationship and life, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Marriage should definitely not be in the picture just yet as youve already sussed out. She is not ready for it, and you certainly arent!
There is a slight problem however, with a baby being in the picture. Whatever you decide to do, there will obviously be repercussions on him/her, so a good think about this would be a good start. I suggest you tell her once more how you feel, show you're serious (which you are), give her the ultimatum, and let her know that if she does not change, you will have no choice but to up and leave as you'd need to save your sanity. You need to make sure she gets what you are saying, so that if you actually leave, you can at least comfort yourself knowing that you've actually warned her before hand. Its a sticky situation to be in but one has to make a choice to either stay put or get out, before the situation itself consumes him!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 There is therapy she can go for. And would definately need it by the sounds of it. Your Gp can sort that.
What a nasty upbringing. Thats a lot for someone to deal with & to be cheated on by a couple of guys too, is just going to add to them.
To this girl, men cheat. And shes expecting it to happen with you any day soon.
Its awful for her & its awful for you. The knots in her stomach everyday, & you feeling scared to even look in the wrong direction.
I can sympathise with both of you as i have been on both sides of the fence. Ive had my insecure spells & also spent a year and a half trying to convince a guy that i wouldnt ever cheat on him, and i knew i wouldnt, but i knew i couldnt get it through to him, and that relationship did end. But if your girlfriend talks to someone professional, its a step in the right direction.
Whats the alternative?
Its worth the effort to stay together & enjoy those plans you both have for the future because you have so much going for you.
Hope it works out.
C xxxx
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