A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:dear aunts and uncles, you all have helped me in the past now i need help again. i am finding it very difficult to move on after my husband of 20 years left me for a girl half our age a year ago. i know it is time to get on with my life, we just divorced a week ago and he told me she was pregnant and the baby is due in june. he is now court ordered to pay twice a month, and he refuses to send a check or money order to me, he wants me to pick it up twice a week from him. I asked for the courts to handle it but it was told to me that it would be 15% of my money to have it done that way. how am i supposed to move on and get rid of all the feelings i have for this man if i have to see him every two weeks. its set backs like this that makes it difficult to move forward. I want to start dating again, but can't seem to get out there or even know how to begin. I dont want to be hurt again and i guess im afraid. i know im still in love with the ex but getting better every day with that. i work and come home. and i dont drink so the bar scene is out. i have been on dating sites but lets face it there are a lot of pervs out there. Is it me not being ready yet? just dont know...
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Definitely work on socialising rather than dating.
Socialising doesn't just mean bars and clubs... join a book group or a gym or dance class, yoga, meditation, painting, gardening club or just sitting in a coffee shop and chatting. Aim to meet both men and women and make friends.
As for the money thing...Is it possible for a friend or family member to pick up your check? or could he pay it directly into your bank account via a money order...seems a bit weird for him to insist you pick it up twice a week, you'd think he's want to NOT see you!! Sounds suspicious. I cannot see how it would cost you more money to have the court order him to pay the money into your account...seems practical and sensible.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Please accept my condolences for your situation...
As far as your husband not paying his alimony / child support to you, see if your lawyer can arrange something so that it is directly garnished from his paycheck. If it is that painful and troublesome to actually get the money, take the 15% hit and consider it the price of peace of mind.
The dating scene is tricky. I was going to recommend that you give the pay dating sites a chance. If you are going to the free ones (craigslist, pof.com, etc), you are going to get inundated with the weirdos. There are many reputable dating sites (match.com, eharmony.com for instance). Yes, they won't weed out all the guys just looking to get laid, but they should keep it to a minimum.
Finally, get out a LIVE. It sounds like you live a pretty uneventful life. Find something you are passionate about and do it. You have a rare opportunity in your life where you can explore your passions without bounds. You have maturity and wealth -- do something with it. By getting out and living, you'll definitely encounter other people and perhaps one of them you'll connect with.
Join a gym, go for hikes, train for a half marathon or 5K, take a dance class, go back to school for fun, etc. Just get out and socialize with other people. Engage your passions.
Also, be optimistic. A sad looking person won't elicit sympathy -- be someone that people want to be around. A smile and a short greeting -- even to strangers, can and will lead to possible friendships. Learn to strike up conversations with people -- it is an art and one that takes a little skill to master, but you'll be surprised at where it might lead. Take it from me, I used to be that shy person.
Life is what you make of it and I hope you take stock of what you want out of it. Be patient with the dating scene, however. It is a rough scene and there's going to be losers and weirdos, but sift through enough of them and you WILL find your gem.
Good luck.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): I'm sorry I know how hard that must be for you. Did you're ex say why he wants you to pick it up from him, rather than mailing it? Is there someone else who could pick it up for you, then you wouldn't have to see him.
You could always let your friends know that you're ready to start dating, maybe they know of some nice single men. It seems to help a little if you know someone who could introduce you. I've tried on-line dating & did actually meet a few nice men. I made sure I met them somewhere in public, and I never gave out too much information. You can never be too careful.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 It doesn't sound like you're ready to start dating. If you're still in love with your ex it's not fair on the other person. You might meet someone and they might have genuine feelings for you and you're still hung up on your husband. Don't do that to someone.
I agree with oldbag, maybe just concentrate on socialising more, broadening your horizons with new interests and meeting new people. If you've always fancied taking a trip for instance, now might be the perfect time. As a place to start there is a website called meetup.com (I hope it's ok to mention it, I'm not spamming I have nothing to do with the site), that has social groups for everything you can think of. It might be a good place to start.
I also agree that he seems very mean for how he's treating you. Does he not have a shred of sympathy for you?
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Hi
Your doing well so far, you have accepted the situation and are ready to move forward. Your Ex just sounds spiteful and petty with regard to collecting your money - just console yourself with the fact he will be having sleepless nights and piles of nappies whilst you will be free and independant.
As for dating,instead of looking why not start by finding other things to try, a new hobby or pastime that gets you out.Maybe join a local team or group of some sort,have a cinema night with friends, whatever.Lifes not all about dating and when you do meet someone it won't be to fill a void but to enhance your new found freedom.Its not easy taking the first steps but once you have you'll find it snowballs
good luck
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