A
female
age
30-35,
*0ph1e
writes:Cutting a long story short. Last year my dad left my mum, she now lives with my two younger brothers, which truthfully they don't really care about her. This will be the first time she is on her own (brothers are going to dads) and it's the first Christmas in my new house. Naturally I want to be in my house as its my first year with my boyfriend, so I want to cook for him and my mum to say thanks. My boyfriends reaction was well if you're having your mum over I have a right to see my mum and have Xmas dinner with her. Very petty I know. I said it's different for your family as they are altogether. I said I'd cook for them all but his excuse was that our house is too small. I know deep down the reason is because his dad will not come. He also has a brother that has Down syndrome that struggles with lots of people, however I have put him first and done lots for him over the years. I don't know what to do. I am not happy about this at all.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (24 December 2015):
Of all the people involved here, your mom is in the saddest situation and most deserving of Christmas cheer. I'm a little concerned over your bf's lack of empathy for her.
Cindy provides the best solution, having two events, one for each family. If that doesn't work, the best thing you can do is for you and your bf to each spend the day with your respective families. You've been with your bf for less than a year but with your mom forever. He should be able to understand your mom's situation and respect your love for her. Personally, if I was your boyfriend I would love and respect you more for this. If you just said "screw mom, we'll go to your place," I'd be concerned.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): I think you should just have the separate xmases that day and don't even worry about it. There's one every year you know! :P Do a 'fake' xmas together on another date that's what we do in my family. My parents are separated and my boyf is foreign so his family are abroad. The last xmases we have spent with my relatives so this year we both flew out to his country unfortunately I couldn't get the actual xmas date off work, so did a 'fake xmas' meal in his country with his family and flew back on my own yesterday. My boyf will spend xmas there, then do a meal with me when he returns. His parents are older than mine and he is worried he won't have many xmases left with them. Sounds morbid but him and me are young and have a whole lifetime of xmases. I have already done a 'fake xmas' at my sisters who can't be at ours for xmas day due to work. I will go to my dads at some point soon and drive back again to have xmas with my mum and her partner. It is alot of too-ing and fro-ing and everyone is not together at the same time, but I spend time with everyone at some point and that's what counts. I doesn't matter much to me who I'm with for the 25th (or if I'm at work!)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2015):
 I agree with Cindy.
YOU changed the rules (you two having a quiet Christmas in your new house to adding your mom) and then you don't like that he felt, well if she spends Christmas with HER mom I will spend it with MY family. I don't see how either of you are wrong. All I see is, YOU didn't get your BF to do what YOU wanted and that upset you.
Christmas is about family, friends, people you care about, it's also about thinking of others.
I don't see why you can't have a nice Christmas with YOUR mom at YOUR house and he goes him to see his family for that Evening/morning and then you and him celebrate the holidays with a nice dinner for 2 on the 25th or 26th.
We have family over on the 26th (other than our kids) and when we lived nearer our best friend's we'd go there on the 24th for a early dinner and have the 25th to ourselves. BUT that was AFTER we got married. Before that? I spend my Christmas with MY parents, he with his dad.
There is no cookie cutter of "the perfect Christmas" other than enjoy the season and understand that YOU are not the only one who gets to have a say in things.
HE has a brother with Downs, you DO know that people with Downs have a shorter life expectancy, right? So your BF might WANT to be there for his brother for as long as he can specially on Holidays like this.
YOUR BF isn't doing it to spite you or to be petty. He felt if YOU could spend Christmas with family (your mom) SO can he! What is petty in that?
I think you need to look at the big picture here and NOT only what YOU want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): tell him... if he doesnt spend christmas with you he will be seeing the new year single. you deserve to be happy at christmas and have your boyfriend around you hes a rubbish boyfriend if he doesnt allow youto that plus he cant care about you or be interested in you that much if he cant spend one lowsy day with you over christmas
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 December 2015):
 You are not happy because you are not having it your way and we all are not happy when that happens. But since there's a lot of people involved, beside you, that need to be made reasonably happy , or not that unhappy, I think that your bf suggested a perfectly acceptable compromise.
As you want to spend Xmas with your mom- he has a mom too. Ok , there are good reasons for you not wanting to leave your mother all alone this Xmas - then again, HIS mother too has excellent reasons for not leaving the familiarity and comfort of her own home ( Down syndrome kid ) to spend Xmas at yours,- and without her husband too.
I understand that you were looking forward to spend Xmas as a couple in your new house, and yes that would have been very intimate and romantic, and I think your bf would have loved it too. But, the moment you add a third person to the scene, then it's not intimate and romantic anymore, it becomes something totally different, a family thing. Nothing wrong with that per se ... but your bf has a family too !, and it's really not his fault if your mom has been abandoned ( same as it's not your fault if he has a brother with special needs ). What I am saying is that, if for lack of space, or lack of familiarity, or just lack of common enthusiasm, it sounds disadvisable ( and in your case it does ) to put together all the people in cramped quarters to be, if not miserable, uncomfortable,- what your bf suggested is totally reasonable. You can always have your cozy, intimate couple dinner on Xmas Eve ( the 24th ) and stay each one with Mom on the 25th, or viceversa .
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