A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. This is going to be very long, but please bear with me because this has been troubling me badly for some years. I'll start with a journal entry of mine that explains the basis of the problem at hand. From journal:I feel like I'm a much better writer than I am a speaker, so I'm going to explain this the best I can. I can function for the most part. Every day, I find new ways to implement mindful tactics and positivity into my life. I deal with plenty of stresses pretty well. Im finding solutions for my lack of motivation, I'm working on my procrastination habit. I believe I can handle those things pretty well now. The only thing I'm still not healing from is my situation with women. My outlook on it is deteriorating. I'm distressed. I feel immense sadness and anger. I spend hours each day thinking about it. It can make me manic at times. I can't form any sort of relationship with the opposite sex because my view of women is badly skewed. I can't see them as people. I can't communicate with them. I see them as objects, numbers, scores, pets, devices to be conquered. At the same time I see them as gentle creatures, damsels in distress, works of art, as companions. I notice in that description the lack of two words: people and friends. In my mind men and women can't simply be friends. Every woman I see is a potential number and that causes me to act out of character around them. The stress that I put myself through is rough. I want to be able to enjoy female company without thinking possesively. I want to be able to make small talk with them like I can with anyone else. I don't want to expect anything from them. One of the reasons rejections hurt me so much is because I somehow feel entitled to affection because I took the risk of opening myself up. I haven't respected their right to decline for their own reasons. I want to see women the way God intended for them to be seen. This goes so much deeper than what's been discussed in the past. I have to get this worked on now. I would like to dive deeper into this so that I can recognize the real problem and fix it. The current issue:There is a woman I work with that I'm insanely attracted to. I think about for probably most of a day while I'm there. It's as if I'm trying to control her in my mind. She speaks to me on occasion. I've done my share of looking at her, and at time our eyes meet and we look in opposite directions. I've seen her looking at me as well out of the corner of my eye. Since I don't usually speak too much at my job she's always been the one who spoke to me first. I've tried to bring myself to greet her at times but end up walking past her silently. I might come off as rude at times as well because sometimes I respond very lacklusterly when she speaks to me, almost in a way that would push people away. It's not something I'm doing intentionally, I just struggle to respond for some reason. At this point, we kind of just avoid each other. I feel an uneasy, awkward energy with her now and it would seem the feeling is mutual but I could just be catastrophisizing this. I plan on working on my issues with my therapist, but finally my question is... Is there anything that can be done to make things less awkward? Should I start behaving more socially? What can be done? I actually contemplated writing her a letter to try to explain that I'm not trying to make her feel uncomfortable and that I'm simply not the best communicator. Thanks for bearing with me and making it to the bottom of his post. I need help with this.
View related questions:
I work with Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): Young man: Think about your priorities – read this carefully. Author Sam Keen says: “There are two questions a man (or a woman) must ask himself: The first is 'Where am I going?' and the second is 'Who will go with me?' If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”Consider the first question: where am I going? He means what do you want to do or accomplish with your life? Have you ever thought about that? Lack of motivation and procrastination are often signs that a person does not know where he is going and is “drifting”. And finding a girl friend is not the answer. Do you plan to go to college? Learn a trade? Whatever – where are you headed??? He is saying that you have to get that straight first of all. Having a girl friend is not going to solve all the problems in your life. First you have to get your head straight and be fully functioning as an independent person before you try to share your life with another person.Consider his second question: who will go with me? Now we’re getting into the world of relationships. Author Ned Diamond says there are seven steps in the development of healthy relationships – acquaintanceship, companionship, friendship, intimate friendship, sensual friendship, sexual/spiritual lovers, and life partners. Each step leads to increasing intimacy and the steps should be taken in the order given. Let’s consider that woman in your office - are you thinking of her as a potential acquaintance or potential lover? I would say you should backup and relax, treat her like any other person. Smile and say hello whenever you see her – don’t you do that with everyone you know? After a while you could say, “Nice day today”, then later “How are you today?” And so on as you get to know her; there is no need to try to rush into being in a relationship which may lead to the rejection you fear.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 December 2015):
 Your letter is long, and she doesn't have to know all of your innermost thoughts. How about just sum it up as, "sorry, I am just shy. I am not trying to be mean. I need more practice talking to women, especially a beautiful woman like you."
A lot of men actually think like you, but do not have your ability to express it like a writer. Fewer would be admitting these feelings and humbled. You have some great things going on there as young guy, I also see 2 worlds here. The beauty and the beast. The Godly and the animal. The roughness and the refined. Learning how to smoothen out the 2 helps you become a man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): I'm laughing at your reference of women as pets. I used to tell my exboyfriend "I'm not your pet!!!" He really thought I was. But anywho...I digress. Sorry.I think you're totally overthinking things. You seem really pent up and very introverted. I used to be the same way. But I slowly started coming out of my shell. I thought ok what's the worse that can happen. I started talking to people at work. Started being more social. I'm so much more happier now. Take baby steps. Say good morning to people. Smile. Look approachable. You have to lighten and loosen up. Slowly. Good luck :)
...............................
|
