A
female
age
36-40,
*i_the_tree
writes:Hi everyone, hoping for some more excellent advice.I have an ex who isn't too good at the moment. He has major back problems and premature arthritis due to a bad car crash 5 years ago where he broke his back by crushing a lower vertebrae. He has always had pain in his lower back and sometimes it can get pretty bad to the point where it brings him to tears. Today was one of those days. I went to see him last night to catch up and his back was pretty bad after working on his dad's car for most of the weekend. I offered to rub his back for him (as this would help ease the pain and loosen up the muscles) and he accepted. It made a difference temporarily. When i left his i advised him to soak in the bath, but when i asked earlier on how he was, he said he was in tears because of the pain and he was trying to call his mum.I have told him time after time that although we are exes, i still care about him very much. I tell him that I would do anything to help him out, but this isn't always possible due to him now having a girlfriend. I know i won't be the first person he calls if he needs to go somewhere (like the hospital) and i have offered to do this for him if needs be, but i just don't want him to think that i don't care. I suppose what i'm asking is, is there any other way i can show him just how much i care about still after all the time we have been apart (9 months)??? Or is it not worth it??What do you guys think?? I'm in absolute turmoil over this, i want to help him, but it's really difficult because of his girlfriend...
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (24 March 2011):
fi_the_tree is verified as being by the original poster of the question Some very interesting thoughts there. I spoke to him again briefly last night, and he said he was ok, he had gone to work himself but was still in alot of pain. I think i kind of freaked out a bit as he had told me the other day that surgery was an option for him, but spinal surgery only leave a 50-50 chance of being able to walk again.
as much as i would like to, i can't go in all guns blazing, coz thats not fair for him to be in so much pain, then have her arguing with him on top of that, i hate confrontation myself, so i am kind of stuck as to what to do.
I suppose i just keep on telling him that i care, it's not always possible to sit and have a long conversation with him. I've always said that if he ever needs me for anything to just ask me, but normally he doesnt ask. I did say to him over December (when again he was really ill with flu and a suspected chest infection) to go to the doctors and get some anti-biotics. He was so bad that he couldn't drive to the doctors and had no money to pay for medicine. I even offered to pay that and said that i'm sure his girlfriend had some spare petrol and cash to take him to the bloody doctors, but she never did!
Anyway, she's not my problem. I just worry about him. I don't actually get to talk to him that much these days, but when things get like this i tend to freak out and maybe over react a little bit.
A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp +, writes (24 March 2011):
 It's totally natural to feel that way and I don't blame you if she's so young and immature. Okay, scrap that idea then. Tell your ex that you really care about him and really want to be there for him as his current girlfriend can't. Tell him you don't think she would appreciate you being there and maybe he will suggest something? Perhaps he will speak to her? Hey, it might even spark an argument that could break them up. Childish advice I know.
If my boyfriend was that seriously in need of every day help then I certainly wouldn't be working hours like that. I love my boyfriend more than anything, he comes first, not a career. I work to live, not live to work and he is my life. If she'd rather be at work than taking care of the man she's meant to love then maybe she doesn't even deserve him and you starting a rift could be the best for them both.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (24 March 2011):
fi_the_tree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must say that's an interesting idea, and maybe if she was older than she is (she's 18 right now) then it could possibly be a solution. But i get the impression from some of her other actions that she hasn't got the level of maturity to be able to cope with something like that.
Tbh i hate her guts, and want her to just be out of the picture so i can look after him like i used to. I know that's really childish of me, but i can't help the way i feel!
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A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp +, writes (23 March 2011):
If his girlfriends working hours really are an issue have you considered speaking to her yourself? Ask her if she would be offended or upset if you took care of him when she couldn't? If she loves him she might be pleased that someone is taking care of him when she can't. She may not be pleased it's his ex girlfriend but if you explain to her that your motives are completely innocent and you do really want to help maybe she wouldn't be too upset by your offer?
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (23 March 2011):
fi_the_tree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis gf is a dental nurse, so tends to work Monday to Friday 9-5.
Thanks for your answer, i have talked to him in the past and have always said that i would take him to the hospital if needed.
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A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp +, writes (23 March 2011):
You should speak to him. You should tell him that you do care about him and want to help him as much as you can but you feel that this is something that his girlfriend should be doing for him. Tell him that if he ever needs you to take him to the hospital that you will, no problem.
I want to know why his girlfriend isn't taking care of him like you are? Where is she?
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