A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 21-year old female. I haven't exactly made the best choices in my life, but I am by no means a disadvantaged person. My problem is this; at such a young age, I see a lot of my friends, siblings, and cousins my age getting married and having children... I have always told myself that I would have children and get married, but at a later age...like 30.I never had a relationship last longer than a year, and I've only been seeing my current paramour for a month. Yet, I have this nagging urge growing every year to settle down and have a family. Half of me is terrififed of the idea, because I don't want to end up divorced like my parents, but the other half of me wants to PROVE I can hold a marriage together. On top of that, there seems to be babies everywhere, and all I can think of is how I want to be a happy mother like they are. I'm obviously not going to rush my relationship, or get pregnant on a whim...but does anyone have any advice on which path to persue?Should I focus on myself and continue being young, or answer the call of nature and satisfy my maternal instincts? I am comlpetely torn down the middle on how to take the next steps of my life! For the record, I was already pregnant once, and sadly, had to abort the baby. Though I know it was the right thing for me to do at the time, I have never been the same. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I thik you should enjoy life as it is and see where it takes you for now, without the added responsibility and tension that children can bring. And remember, you don't see all the "down" sides of your friends lives with their children, just the "nice to see them and play with them and then hand them back side". Also, I would bet a penny to a pound that a lot of these young couples with children won't last the course due to them taking on this responsibility so young (sad fact of life, I'm afraid).
It could well be that your biological clock is clanging rather than ticking due to the fact that you had a termination and are still feeling the emotional after effects of this - if there are issues that remain unresolved over this then seek some counselling.
You say you want to PROVE that you can make a marriage work, but marriage isn't like that at all, as in any relationship you BOTH have to make it work, and even then sometimes a split cannot be avoided and may even be for the best. However, should you ever marry and that marriage fails (for whatever reason) it won't mean that you were a failure at all, just that that particular relationship was not meant to be for whatever reason.
In the mean time, my advice would be to choose the path of youth and freedom, enjoy your relationships, concentrate on being happy within yourself and enjoy your role as an aunt/godmother and friend to these children who surround you. Your time for motherhood will come, and hopefully you will have the life experience behind you to appreciate it to the full and be able to use your own experiences to guide your children well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I guess it depends on a lot of things. When I was your age, I was off at college in nyc, having the time of my life. I think my longest term goals at your age was what outfit to wear to the party on saturday night. Marriage was the last thing on my mind, as really my only focus was to get my degree and figure out what career path to take. Gosh, I can't even imagine how much I would have missed out on if I had been married. Furthermore, I didn't know who I was at your age. I was a KID. Since then, I have grown so much, due to all my experiences and my education and my travels. I am a more complete person, with a degree and a career, and I have so much more to bring to the table if I were married now than I would have ever had at your age. Something to think about...
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (2 July 2008):
It's strange that all your friends are marrying and having babies young, so that's what you feel you should be doing.
Most of my friends didn't want babies till they were 30 either, so don't worry, you are not strange or anything, you just obviously have some ambition outside of family.
My advice is to get away from all the peer pressure. (I know no one is pressuring you but you must be feeling like the odd one out.)
Find a job, find a new hobby, find something that puts you into contact with young ambitious people like your self who want to be young and go out and live the high life before a baby comes and sucks up all their money.
There is SO MUCH time in your life when you can do the whole baby thing, the sleepless nights, the no money, the stresses and strains on your relationship. Don't rush into it.
One last thing - you say you want to prove you can hold a marriage together - the best way of doing that is taking your time and being really picky so you know you have chosen the right man in the first place.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): You are stressing out over nothing. There is plenty of time for you to do both I Promise!! I am 34 and have been married for 16 yrs(since i was 17). We dated for almost 2 years, I was not pregnant when i got married. My husband and i had been married almost 6 months when i felt like we had been together forever and we needed a baby. Fast forward to now 2 kids and a lot of learning. I learned that I had plenty of time. Slow down and do the things you really want to do now. I feel like I am a good mother, my kids are the best. But I also feel like I could have been a great mom if I had lived and learned a little more before kids. Im 13 years past where you are now, YOU HAVE TIME!!Don't do anything just because you think you should. Do them because you really want to and because it will make you happy.
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A
male
reader, Flporrego  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Ok. You need to keep in mind that once you have a baby, your youth is gone. 1 Month is not enough at all to get into something that serious. Before you have a baby, you have to take as much responsibility with what is happening around you first. Find a man, stay with him for a while. When you get married, wait a year or two befoer you have one. It happens all the time that the parents seperate leaving the baby with a very mixed up life when it grows up. And make sure you have your career set. You do not want to bring a life into this earth without having the money to support it. This decision is much more than just being happy and having a family. If you do this now, you won´t be happy. You will probaly be a mother raising a child alone. Thats not only bad for you, its a bad environment for a human life to grow up in. Take your time and realize that your still young. Find someone, fall in love, make sure you guys are compatible, make sure he wouldnt leave you. Then have the baby. I have many friends that didnt know their fathers or mothers. Who have moms that are like 18 years older than them. Thats not good. It can traumitize someone. Please think twice before rushing into something this important. Not just for you, but for the baby. Best of luck!
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