A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:when i was very young(a child)i was sexually molested and as a result in adulthood, i went looking for love in all the wrong places. i had sex with men even when i didn't want to, just because i wanted to be loved (not too many, below 10.) sex never meant anything to me, i never enjoyed it and i'd never had an orgasm, until i met the man of my dreams. i love him so much, but he can't seem to get over that fact that not only did i sleep with so many people, but that my self esteem/respect was so low that i let them treat me that way. i've sought therapy, and am now a strong independent women, but i'm scared i'm going to loose the man of my dreams due to my terrible past. please help me
View related questions:
orgasm, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): How to endure?
It's good if he has stopped the wedding to work out his feelings about this thing. I'll tell you another thing a good friend has said. The past is place to which you never can return, the future is a place that you may never reach, but the present is a gift and you should enjoy it while you can. No matter what, he's with you now. You love him, he loves you enough to be in pain by thoughts of what you've experienced. Concentrate on the present day, live every day with him as if it was your last. Love him with all your heart, give him kisses, love and lots of compliments and hugs. This, alongside everything else everyone has said is all you can do. Take one day at a time. I hope it works out.
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 You have to give him the space he needs. In your heart you feel that if he truly loved you then he would accept your past but the reality is often different and very difficult. Be there for him and do what you can to show you are not that person anymore. At the end of the day we all have a past and it is just that, in the past and not relevant any more. I am glad to hear you have had counselling and have turned yourself into such a strong lady, I wish you all the best. x
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 How to endure?
The most important thing to happen (it sounds like it may have) is for him to take responsibility for this. If he's still blaming you then that's a sign that he has not 'owned' this, which he needs to do. It's the only way for him to get over it.
Once he has done that, it should get easier for you to cope with: whilst he'll have these negative emotions reacting to your past, he will (hopefully) not be making them your fault.
There is another thing you can take some comfort from. The strength of his reaction is a sign that he loves you a great deal. It's because he loves you that he finds the thought of other men being with you and taking advantage so painful. Jealousy is sometimes called 'the shadow of love', the greater the love, the longer it's shadow.
I thought Diovan's suggestions were excellent also. As she says, your boyfriend learning about your childhood circumstances may well help him to come to terms with this. Don't dwell on the time when you became sexually active, but rather focus on earlier. If he can understand what happened to you, and what it did to your self esteem, it might help.
Lastly, I would recommend he sees a therapist. If he won't, perhaps suggest the two of you go together.
Best regards and good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input, i've tried everything, he knows everything about me, we were supposed to be getting married in 2 months time, but he has postponed it indefinately until he can sort himself out. i know he loves me and there are no worries about STD's. i know it's going to take time for him to sort his head out, and he's working on it, but til then, i need to know how to stay strong as other than this problem our lives together are practically perfect. i just want some advice on how to endure
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I've seen so many of these stories, from men and women who regret their past and men and women who can't get over their feelings of anger and jealously.
You've come a far way. You've learnt to understand why you did what you did. You've had therapy, you've learned from your mistakes. You've used your past in a positive way and now you've become strong.
Your partner has not had the same experiences of life that you have had. He dosen't understand why you acted this way. As you should realise, this is really his problem not yours. You didn't choose to be abused, you may have choosen your partners, but considering your history, I think this is understandable.
Have you told him about the abuse. Have you told him why it caused you to have such low esteem. Have you tried to reassure him how much you love him, how far you've come, and how much you've changed. My gut feeling says to tell you to dump his sorry ass, how dare he judge you when he has no idea how much you suffered. Had dare he seek to destroy your self esteem and make you feel bad.
However a good male friend explained how he felt when he was in a similar situation with his wife. So I'll take that on board. The biggest issues seemed to be the fact that anyone could have such low esteeme to allow themselves to be used in this way. He suggested talking to his wife allowed him to slowly understand just why she had acted that way. He said it took him a long time.
As I said you can try to reassure him, explain everything that happened. Tell him the past is the past and your now another woman. Tell him about the abuse, explain what they told you in therapy about what happens when women are abused. Ask him not to judge you, but to support you and show some kindness for everything you suffered.
This may work, it may not. Who knows how much this guy loves you and how hard he will work on trying to understand. Yes you love him, but he has his own issues and only he and he only can know whether he can stay in this relationship or not. But you've worked so hard, it would be unfair for you to destroy yourself over this. Yes you love him, but if he can't accept this, then you must let him go. You found this man to love, if he leaves you will find somebody else. Not all men will judge you for the way you acted, believe it or not some will not only understand, but would cut of their right hand before they said anything to hurt you again. It's not your problem, it really is something that he needs to work out, you've done your hard work already. Take care of you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): First find out what bothers him so much. Since he already knows about your past it's too late to pretend it never happened. If he's afraid that you're comparing him to your past lovers just tell him that he's the one you're with and you don't care about anyone else. If he's worried about your having an STD, then go to a clinic and get a checkup.
Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Flporrego  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 The past scares a lot of people. I know that i have been scared about somethings that happened in my girlfriends past. Although what you have been through sounds a lot worse. But you are good now. You need to explain to him that thats not you anymore. That the past meant nothing to you. And you need to show him that. Many people aren´t satisfied with you just telling them stuff. They want you to prove this to them. Well, first of all tell him how you feel. Then prove to him that you are nothing without his love. That the past is just the past. If he can´t understand that, then Im really sorry to say it but you have to move on. If he loves you or likes you a lot, he will understand. And try his best to look past it all. If not, then maybe you should try with him again after everythings all settled in his mind and hes over it. Best of luck!
...............................
|
