A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Myself and my boyfriend spoke a while ago of greeting married next year. He was planning on setting up a business this year with the hope of getting on his feet so it would be more viable for us next year. However he was finding that he had to compromise on his plans and properties and decided the best thing to do would be to take a job offer that would give him the opportunity to earn a bit more and save up for longer. Which is great, I'm happy for him! However he decided yesterday that he needs to get more qualifications for his career for longer term success. So he will be spending his savings on this. It's a 4/5 year plan.. I have no objections to this as it is his life and his money. But it puts us a few years behind financially.He knows however that I'm a bit of a romantic - he sees marriage as merely 'the next step' whereas it's more to me.hes quite a rational and logical person and I'm an emotional person.i said to him last night: "I guess there'll be no marriage next year then?" To which he replied: "you never know heehee!" I'm confused because he respects what I want and while I would love a romantic surprise proposal, I know that he knows that I want to get married and he would do it because it's important to me. But inevitable it would be a decision that we both make I'm sure. So why the avoiding answer to my question?! I have plans to start up my own business too but I was willing to hold off until he had started his. But I also want babies and a house and unfortunately I can't have it all!! I feel that our timelines are starting to get all confused now. I don't want to look like a needy nag so how do I go about talking to him about this? I can't make a plan when I don't know what's happening and I'm thirty now, I don't want to leave it all too late... I'm under the impression that he thinks that a lot of women whine and nag their boyfriends into marriage and then they want babies straight away (we are agreed babies I about 3/4 years). I know everything can't be planned and not to worry but at the moment I just feel like I get up and go to work and I go to bed. I do have other hobbies I just feel like there's no plan and life is stalling a bit!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): Communication communication communication.
First things first, don't ask ambiguous questions like "I guess there'll be no marriage next year then?" It doesn't convey your worries, nor does it necessarily oblige him to respond since it could be construed as a sort of joke. Thus you'd end up with the response above; a non response.
Pick a moment when you are both relaxed and are not pressed for time then talk to him.
Start with a question like 'It's great that you've decided to invest a few more years in education to increase longer term success. I'll admit that I am also a bit worried how that fits with our plans. Any ideas how we could make that work with our plans to marry / have children in the next 3 - 4 years?'
'How about your business and my business, when do you reckon those'll be feasible?'
Then you share your worries, your frustration etc and you listen to his and come up with a compromise.
My take on your situation is this: you could still get married next year as planned since getting married doesn't have to cost a lot of money. You can have a small do with the closest family and friends. The important part of it is signing a paper which costs nothing.
While he is studying, you could be working on your business for the next 3 years to get it up on its feet. By the time its up and running, he'd just have finished his studies and he can start working on his business while you try for a baby. It'll be very demanding for both of you but with communication, committment and compromise I'm sure it'll be fine.
What I wouldn't do is sit around twiddling my thumbs wondering what the future holds. It is your future as well as his so his plans are your plans since whatever he decides will have a direct bearing on your plans. Think them through together.
A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (17 May 2014):
 I don't necessarily think he was avoiding answering your question about marriage. "You never know" was his way of saying HE doesn't know. With everything else that is going on for him, it's possible he's just not finding the time to think about it right now. That doesn't mean he doesn't want it, or is trying to put you off. What makes you get the impression he thinks women nag their partners into marriage? Has he told you this? If so, you may want to rethink being with someone who has such a low opinion of women and marriage. Marriage isn't suppose to be a chore. If he views it this way, there is no point. You shouldn't live the rest of your life feeling like you can't express concerns with him because you're afraid he'll see you as a "needy nag". You have to have communication, or the relationship won't work. On the other hand, if he didn't say this, you're making an unfair assumption about him. Regardless of your fear of what he'll think, you still need to talk to him about all this. If you're that worried about sounding like a nag, the tone of voice you use will mean just as much as what you say. Also how you word things. Don't sound negative when you ask him questions. For example, saying "I guess there'll be no marriage next year then?" could have come off as a guilt trip, even though you didn't intend it to.
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