A
male
age
30-35,
*forde04
writes:Hi, I apologise for what might be an essay-length post in advance. In 2011 I left home to attend university and spent two years living away. Without overemphasising its importance too much, this was an enjoyable and changing experience for me. I came out of my shell, made friends and even met a girlfriend. I fully expected to spend my third year away from home but the group which I intended to rent with broke down at the last moment. Left with the choice of either finding another group of people at the last moment or moving home I chose the latter. My mother was supportive of this, and I rationalised that it would be a good idea. Final years are never the most exciting or sociable experiences, indeed since late October I've spent an inordinate amount of time completing various assignments and my dissertation. Moreover, without a graduate scheme lined up to step into after university I felt that it would be a good idea to save some money and not find myself burdened with an extra three months rent after I finished up (and was faced by lots of uncertainty with regards to employment). Twelve months later I feel that I have made one of the worst decisions that I possibly could have. In the two years I have been away, I have changed and my mother has too. What was once and amicable relationship has completely broken down. It feels as if we bounce between arguments, I can only delay them by doing things such as housework or doing nice and helpful things for her to curry favour (whether that is buying gifts, helping out as much as my limited financial means allow or constantly being talkative and friendly even this comes at the detriment of my work). The smallest thing can make her angry- perhaps I didn't to do a washing up, maybe I didn't come down and say hello after she returned from work, or I could have misplaced or damaged something (breaking a cup/glass whilst washing up). Anything like this will prompt her to fly into a rage at me. Generally speaking, I will be told that I am a cruel, unpleasant and abusive person who has no regard for her feelings, being motivated by some kind of underpinning misogyny. I am a person who takes from the house, rather than gives (indeed the substantial amount of housework that I do seems to be completely forgotten). These moods can stretch of for weeks at a time, during which every little thing I do can be picked into pieces and criticised. As pathetic and unmanly as it sounds I am reduced to tears underneath the stress and pressure of it all. Meanwhile, the relationship that I have with my younger sister (16) has never been brilliant. She will happily tell my mother anything that could be misconstrued as a negative comment about her to cause me trouble. Of course, my mother will buy these narratives immediately and completely disregard anything I say in my defence. Furthermore, since starting university I have put on a small amount of weight which, over the past few months I have been working hard to loose. Now I am aware of the fact that it is quite common for mothers to tell their children that they've put on a few pounds, but when mine does this it seems to be this gratuitous beration intended to hurt my feelings. I have taken to eating meals in my room as I can't sit around her and eat food without her telling me that I'm grossly overweight. I know that the straightforward advice that anyone can give me is to leave home, and trust me, I intended to do that. However, I am not naive about the graduate jobs market. Whilst I will likely graduate from a top university with a 2:1 degree I do not expect to walk into a substantially-paid job straight away (if this happens I'll certainly be counting my blessings). A close friend of mine took nine months to find a proper job, and she'll only be able to move out in September. As such, I am quite possibly stuck at home for the better part of a year. I wanted to know if my situation was quite normal and if I was overreacting, or if anyone had any advice as to how I might deal better with it! Thanks for answering!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 May 2014):
 Yeah, there's a lot at play here. When I moved out, suffice it to say that the last 6 months I lived there was very volatile, because I was the first child to move out and my mom didn't take it very well. She would do the same thing - fly into rages and crying spells, not talk to me for a week leaving me to wonder what I did (the only response was "you know what you did") which turned out to be something my brother did instead of me (he didn't wipe off the dog's feet well enough).
She regrets the whole way it went down because she had a really tough time coming to grips with her kids leaving home, and menopause was really rough.
I coped by staying out of my way, cleaning up all of my messes, and paying rent while I wasn't in college. I also made movie time for her no matter what her mood was.
That's a big thing you need to come to grips with. Being an adult does not mean you don't show love for your family. Coming in, not saying hi, acting like you live alone when you don't, all of that translates into proving her worst fear that she's losing you.
As far as financial stuff, work out a rent policy so you're pulling your weight. "Currying favor"? Housework is what everyone does. You're not doing it as a gift for your mom, it's what families do. When you marry, you and your wife work towards the betterment of the house and family.
If she flies into a rage, you don't. The best way to defuse an argument is to keep your tone even. A soft answer turns away wrath, so I've read.
As far as your weight, the "Freshman 15", trust me, you'll want to get that off while your metabolism is still your friend. It's easy when you study to grab whatever's in front of you, ordering pizza or fast food, and alcohol and pack on the pounds.
You would benefit from a schedule. If you study, look on it as a job with specific hours. Communicate this to your mom and sister your schedule for eating, studying, school, etc. That way if it's study hour, they know it and don't think you're avoiding them.
Do not gripe to your sister or even bring your mom up in a conversation, and if she does, change the subject.
Your mom loves you. I can tell you that when you start your life in earnest and move out, your relationship with your mom will improve.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2014):
 It's hard to say without knowing your mom and the general circumstances . Who knows. Maybe your mom is having a bad menopause. Or a nervous breakdown. Maybe she has personal troubles and worries, in her financial or love life, that she won't disclose to her kids, and her stress come out in all the wrong ways. Go figure.
Yet, I picked up on some things, and I'll share my thoughts with you. I am not saying I am right, but I assure you that I have quite some experience of being a mother living at home with a young adult son. ( My son is 23 and, yes, don't worry :) , he's moving out in November ).
So. It sounds to me that in the two years you have lived on your own, you haven't really matured and grown up a lot, or not as much as your mother could reasonably expect.
It's like being on your own you freezed yourself in the mind frame of the 18 y.o. teen kid you were, and you still operate from that mind frame , - but you are 21 y.o., and a graduate ( nearly ) and ready to join the work force as adult, and maybe your mother wanted to see some changes, some growing up, which did not really happen. Not that she is handling it well, if she makes you cry, but ,... I can sort of see where she is coming from.
Let's start with " all the housework you do for her ". Whaaaat ? My son does housework too , but does not do it for ME. He does it because we are two adults sharing a house, and it's BOTH's responsibility keeping it tidy , clean and functional, same as if we were roommates. I tell you more, we try to split things fairly, but he often does more than I do, because he is younger, stronger, gets less tired, has a better back- and because I have got more money than he has and I put way more than him in the general expenses. You are not a kiddo doing nice little things for mummy, you are a grown ass man that carries his weight as it is normal and logical. Ok, sis should help out too, - but sis is only 16 and still in school, SHE is the one who , if she does something, is being a nice diligent schoolgirl. You are an adult responsible for the running of the house just like your mom is.
And also : maybe I did not come down to say hello when se comes back from work ... well, why the heck didn't you ? Again, you are two adults living in the same house, and you are related too, it would be normal courtesy saying "hi mom , what's up ". It's not some special arcane ceremonial , it's what people who live together and also are related, do. Now if it happened once and she flipped out, OK,she is too fussy,- but if it is something that sort of happens regularly, it may grate on her nerves. Ditto for the breaking/ misplacing things : what are you, 12, a goofy teenager with 10 thumbs, that you break stuff when washing up ? Pay attention, put your mind into what you are doing, and you won't break anything, I guarantee you. Now again, risking to sound repetitive, if you had an accident once and she freaked out, - her bad. But, if it's 3, 4 ,5 times that you wash up and leave glass shards, ye gods !, I can see she is annoyed. Focus - you are not a kid anymore. If you are old enough to do X job, you are also old enough to do it well.
And the weight thing ? Are you just a tad overweight, or are you grossly overweight ?.. which one is it ?...
I am inclined to think, maybe a little more toward the second. I don't think any mom would torment you this way if you had to just loose those pesky 10 pounds. Maybe your mom is worried about your health, not about your looks. And maybe, " every time you eat food " - you eat food in quality and quantity that denies all the hard good work you have been doing . That's another thing that grates on the nerves of all adults, mothers included- inconsequence. People proclaming they are on a diet, they are working hard to lose weigth- then scarfing down a slice of pizza the moment their workout is over :).
Now, I realize that probably I have been somewhat harsh and ingenerous with you. You sound like a nice guy, and for all I know, maybe your mother IS a holy terror.
But, your post does send off distinctive vibes... vibes of a kid who still sees himself much as the boy of the house, still having the right , and the need, to be a little coddled, .. attended to... protected..indulged - while , after two years on your own, when you got your degree, a girlfriend too, a whole grown up social life.... I think your mom expected you to be the MAN of the house , and to act and think as such.
What you can do about the situation ?
3 things :
1 ) Change yourself, it's always easier than changing other people. DO the stuff that you are supposed to do, washing up or what else- STOP thinking that by pulling your weight or being nice to your mom or engaging her occasionally in conversation you are going above and beyond the call of duty, that's very normal among a parent and child who do not hate each other, and you do not get any medal for that. DO not make her feel that you are " being good " against your inclination just to curry her favour and keep her quiet, as if se were some sort of dangerous lunatic, she feels that and she does not like it. Be kind and cheerful and affectionate if it is spontaneous and you feel like it, otherwise, just be polite and do your jobs, that's all.
2 ) TALK to her. No whining, no complaining, no hysterics, no accusations. Tell her that you have noticed that sadly your relationship is not what it used to be, and you find her often irritable, is there something that you don't know about - or is it about you ? Are you doing something wrong, something that gives her pain ? What would she want to see happening, how can you work on having a good relationship again ?... come on, she is your MOM, not a nasty boss at work.
3 ) tough it out. You ARE moving out eventually, 6 months or one year seems a long time to you, but if you focus on other stuff ( your degree, your job search , your friends/ social life ) you'll get by. Not everybody can live in the most congenial environment, plenty of people have troubles with parents or spouses or roommates, but at least, you know that this is temporary, you just need to have a little patience and keep your cool.
...............................
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