A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 20 years old and my boyfriend is also 20. we've been together for over a year now and despite some rocky ups and downs we've been pretty happy with each other. Theres just something thats really irritating me at the moment and i dont know what to really do. bascially things at home are pretty rough (i live with my parents and my sister) and for a long while now ive wanted to move out. my boyfriend lives an hour and a half away and soon enough both our families will be moving another half hour each way over the next 2 years.the distance wasnt too bad for the first couple of months considering we both have cars, but now its really wearing me down having to work 8 hours then drive another hour and a half to see him. sure he drives down every second weekend or once a month, but he doesnt mind driving, nor does he come straight from work. im just reaching my breaking point with work, then driving all that way to see him, then all the way back for another 8 hour shift, then staying home for a couple of days and putting up with stuff at home. I know that the best thing for me to do right now would be to move out. Only problem is, my boyfriend wont let it happen. he keeps telling me that we will move out together one day, but not whilst he's in a band. because all his savings need to go towards the band and with paying rent/bills/car rego he would have to quit band. he also said he needs to find another job before moving out, and at the moment hes not even trying to find another one. So i figured if he cant move out with me then i could just transfer my job, move out by myself or with a friend and then that way id still be close to him and he wouldnt have to give up his band. but then he tells me he doesnt want me to move out with anyone else and that i wouldnt be capable to live on my own. so basically now i cant move out until HES ready despite how much i need this change right now. He may never give up his band, it will be a good couple of years before that happens. and i just dont know what to do anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): Did you read what you just wrote? Hes in a band, not looking for a job, yet you are incapable of living by yourself? And hes living with his parents and probably not contributing? Why do you have to see him so often after work? Shouldnt he see you since hes not working? By the way how are words stopping you from moving out? What can he do if you do? End the relationship thats a one sided relationship any way? Take care of your self first. Hes your boyfriend, not your husband and if he were your husband he would be expected to put in the same amount of effort.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): I just want to add OP. My suspicions are warranted especially seeing as you've had rocky ups and downs. I really think moving your job and living arrangements to be near him is a huge risk. Especially seeing as you really don't know the true reason he's so against it. Find a place near your job for now. An hour and a half drive is hassle but moving your life to be with him only for that to blowup in your face may be far more hassle. Find out the real reasons for him not wanting to, you may have to tell him you're definitely going ahead with it and are getting the ball rolling for him to actually be honest.
Something smells fishy here. His reasons are horseshit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): I disagree with Cindy because you're a woman and the role of your gender is to serve my gender. It is your duty to obey him and live your life how he allows you live it. That's what being a woman is all about. He's told you not to move out yet so you're not going to, in fact you should do more to help him. The best women don't just obey us, they service our needs before we even know that we need them. You should bake cookies for his band and make them sandwiches. You should be ready 24/7 to please and obey him because that will bring you true happiness.
OP what I just said is hilarious horseshit isn't it? It's absolute crazy talk, but then why are you even considering ceding to his bullshit wishes. He has no say in your living arrangements. You need to take the initiative regardless of what he wants. You're not some frail little woman who needs a man to care of her and you're at the stage in your life when you want gain independence so go do that. Next time he says you wouldn't be capable just laugh because that's a hilarious idea. I think there is something really suspicious about not wanting you closer to him. You know? What's he trying to hide? Maybe he's not serious about you and doesn't want you making the move so he still had an out or maybe he has another woman and it's easier to sneak around when he has an hour and a half notice of when you're coming. Something smells off here his reasons are bullshit OP this isn't the 1950's. Talk to him tell him you've decided to go ahead with it unless he can give you a good reason not to and he can't. Live your life for you OP he's free to tag along but not dictate how you should live it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 You would be capable of living on your own, or with a roommmate, because everybody is. It does not take Einstein or a Ph.D. in Living-on-you-own skills.
And you don't have to do all your bf says when it is highly stressful and inconvenient for you.
He is looking after his interest ( the band, saving money etc. )- you look after yours. I wish you good ,of course, but you are only 20, you are not married, not engaged, just been dating one year " with some rocky ups and downs " already. In two years you might already have split up- and you would have wasted months and months still living at home, for what ?
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