A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This relationship has left me broken and I really don't know how to move forward. I was with him on and off for the past year and it was the best time of my life. We have so much in common, got along beautifully and never fought. He has a young son whom he shares 50/50 custody with his ex (I don't have any kids of my own) He introduced me to him briefly and always talked about wanting the three of us to spend more time together. Then out of nowhere he got cold and distant and told me he never loved me and that he was going back to his ex. This wasn't the first time that he said he was trying to make it work with her, as after our first month of dating he ended things between us and said they were getting along really well and were trying to make it work again. I immediately backed off and wished him well. He then came crawling back a month later saying that all they do is fight and he was only doing it for his son's sake. I was very hesitant to take him back but decided to anyway since I really liked him. I repeatedly asked him if anything was going on with her and he assured me that they were done forever and couldn't stand each other only to have him go back to her the second she changed her mind. I still don't know if he cheated on me with her or vice versa but I saw that their relationship was "facebook official" and they now have photos together. Our relationship ended almost three months ago and I still feel so stupid and extremely inferior like I wasn't as good as her even though their relationship sounded toxic. I have never been so broken in my life. I try to keep busy with work and am exercising A TON but the minute I think about them together, I just break down and cry. I know it may sound silly but I feel like I cannot trust anyone ever again. How can I move past this and rebuild my self esteem?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2020): This scenario is so familiar to me through life, directly and indirectly. He wanted to make her jealous so he was with you to show her what she was missing. Ive been used just as you have and seen this being played out with other people.
Sweetheart lick your wounds, almost certainly heed the advice you have veen given and leave this man to it.
You could have been the most perfect partner for him but he is attached to her, no matter how shit their relationship is. My brother has a child with someone who's behaviour has been atrocious in so many ways, he is with someone who is a million times better but solely because his ex didn't want him and not because he saw sense.
This is NOT about you as a person. Please do not allow him back in your life again, once you can maybe forgive but he has shown his cards to you.
Move on, you deserve better x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your comments and thank you WiseOwlE for sharing your story. It has really helped knowing that other people also experience these kinds of emotions. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I never had loads of self confidence to begin with so this just amplified all of my insecurities like never before. He himself told me that it had nothing to do with me but I just can't get past that because whenever I break up with someone, it IS about them. Meaning there was something about them that I didn't like or thought would be a bad fit. And it is something that I can tell early on in dating and don't let the person get so attached. I guess I just thought that he wouldn't take it as far with us if he was still in love with her because that is something I myself would NEVER do to another person. But I am healing and learning that not every one behaves this way and I keep reminding myself that he did me a favor by walking away. One day, I will truly believe it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2020): You have to allow yourself time to grieve. It's not easy to turnoff your feelings like a faucet, or a flashlight. It requires your conscious-mind (which can see the reality of things) to reconcile with your subconscious-mind (which wants to keep things the way they were.)
Now the part where you start making comparisons with not being as good, or her being better. That's your damaged self-esteem and pride. The ego wants you to believe it was a competition between you. No, there was never really a true competition. He was using you both. He was a bad-match in both cases; but he may have truly loved her all along. He couldn't be what she needed him to be; but her trump-card was having his kid. They have a history together, but the unresolved elements of incompatibility will keep them in a perpetual-cycle of make up and breakup for the rest of their lives. You were an innocent bystander who risked your heart in a messy triangle; and this is how most of those fiascoes conclude. He goes back to his ex-GF, wife, or ex-wife. People can also be addicted to each other, even in the most caustic or toxic combinations of personalities. It's weird and crazy. They are stuck in a love-hate relationship forever!
From your description of him, it seems as though he's trying to prove something to her. Only, they are so incompatible; no matter how hard they try to fix it, they end-up split. You are his backup. You repair him with love, tenderness, and devotion. Once he's emotionally back on his feet, he makes another go at getting her back. Not so much that he's driven by love, which may be a part of it; but I think he can't stand her rejecting him. It damages his pride to think he's not good enough for her. She must know what to say to push his buttons. He comes to you to be re-energized (and to make her jealous); and then runs back to his ex. This kind of cycle is pretty common. People draw you into their drama; while you end-up heart-broken and distraught. Left behind in their wake, as they move on like nothing ever happened.
You just haven't had enough time to heal. You got a double-whammy; only because you let-go, and then took him back. It wasn't easy convincing yourself to do it, but you did it against your own better-judgement. And then...low and behold...you had to let-go again!
Now you are unfairly punishing yourself. Please don't do that. Stop making comparisons. There are no comparisons to be made. She has an upper-hand having his child, sharing a past, and knowing how to get into his head. You were a emotional band-aid, a pain-reliever to put over his wounds; while he tried to figure-out a way to get her back. It happens, sweetheart. Only this doesn't make you feel any better about it. It is, what it is.
Please forgive the cliche, but time heals. It takes time to purge your feelings, to let-go of the grief. It's good to feel anger and to allow yourself to struggle with the withdrawal of letting-go. It's the second-time; so it hurts twice as much.
My dear, you'll heal; but stop beating-up on yourself. That is like picking a scab. Every-time you blame yourself, put yourself down, or let grief overwhelm you; you are reopening the wound that is trying to heal. You will only become even more distraught. That's not how you get through this. You let your feelings flow, then you stubbornly fight your way back. You ride the roller coaster; and then you finally decide to get-off.
Here's my story:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (18 June 2020):
 No one really knows if they are a perfect little family, that's just pure speculation. No one is going to look grumpy and miserable if they are having their picture taken to then be put on social media.
Whether they are happy or unhappy is really not your concern any more. He had his second chance with you and he blew it.
No you have the lovely benefit of hindsight and remember what he did to you last time. so when/if he comes back a third time you will be strong enough not to go there.
As i said before, delete everything to do with him and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 June 2020):
 Every family and relationship is "perfect"on social media. They are not going to tell you about the bad stuff.
Ex partners are usually ex partners for good reason. Things didn't work out and, unless something has drastically change, the relationship will hit the rocks again in time.
I bet she only decided to have him back when she found out he had a new girlfriend. Once she realizes that they are still both the same people and still don't get on, she will chuck him out again.
The first time around you had no reason to doubt him when he said it was over. Now you know better. You know that, as soon as she decides to yank his chain, he will come running. Don't fall for it again. Once is bad luck. More than once is choice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2020):
 Op, they are NOT this "perfect" little family. They weren't before and they won't ever be, because they are toxic for each other. If you have been looking at their Facebook and think OH they are so happy now, then you need to (not only STOP looking at it) but also realize that Facebook and social media is NOT reality. But even if they ARE a happy little family now... it IS what it is. He wasn't meant for you. You need someone who will INVEST in you. He really didn't.
But there are plenty of people who "settle" with a partner they share a child with because they want to be in the child's life or they feel responsible, some stay with a partner to avoid paying child support (go figure) and others just think it's "easier" to stay then try and rebuild.
Again, OP what he CHOSE to do doesn't REFLECT on you.
Don't let this guy and a relationship that in the end didn't work out HOLD you back from meeting a guy who WILL invest in you and who WILL be a good fit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input everyone, I really appreciate it. I guess I just never expected this because he was so convincing that they were over and it's not like they just broke up when he started dating me. He said they've been split up for almost two years so I didn't take that as a red flag. I know this isn't my fault but I just can't help but feel that after all he's told me about, that he went back to her when she said she hated everything he did and everything he said and I was the one who gave him nothing but love and respect. It just kills me that they are this perfect little family now and I was the one who made him realize that this is what he wants instead of starting a new one with me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2020): HiI feel for you, I remember my first broken heart which was painful as could be. But you get over it. This man is just a human being. He ain't God. Think of him in a negative light and push him off that pedestal you have built up into the sky. He farts and he picks his nose. Imagine him doing that. Did you ever see him look foolish in any way whilst you were together? Anything that could have been embarrassing for him? I remembered my ex who I ADORED, and who left me for his ex, falling off a kerb. Nothing serious, but his dignity left him for a few seconds. Flailing around, looking alarmed momentarily. THIS helped me get over him. I played it again and again in my mind, until he started to become a normal human being and not the answer to life. Another guy I really liked and went out with was IT for me. Everything about him I loved. The way he looked, the way he held himself, the way he smelled, what he stood for, what he'd done with his life, the way he made me feel. Then I realised he had a girlfriend. He thought I knew, but I thought he was single because I used to see him out a couple of times a week and he was always on his own. I had to end it.I missed him a lot, but then tried to see him through his girlfriend's eyes. Then I remembered a couple of things he'd said to that were not very nice. Like once when I called him because I'd had a spat with a lorry driver and was upset and he took the side of the lorry driver even before he knew what had happened. Things like that, came back to me and I concentrated on how that had made me feel. It really helps. That's why I ask if there's anything you can latch onto that you can use to bring him down off this pedestal, that believe me, he will never live up to. And I love CindyCares' answer. You're not broken. You're suffering the normal things and horrible feelings that we've all felt at some time. You will get over him, undoubtedly but make it easier on yourself and remove him from your life, by blocking him any access to your feelings. The only way you will move on is if you can stop thinking about him and you will not stop thinking about him if you keep giving your mind fresh ammunition. Detach from his social media and you will detach from him. Honestly one day you'll look back and wonder what the fuss was all about.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2020):
 Naah… you are not broken. You are a bit bruised up, a little dented, you've got a few unexpected, but very normal, knocks along the bumpy road to love. But, with time, patience , courage and will- strength, you 'll be whole again, as good as new- and probably sooner than you'd expect.
As other posters have mentioned, it is totally futile now to try and figure out who was the cheated on woman. Maybe neither one. Maybe he was in good faith ( although fickle ) and there never was any overlapping. Although it is probable that you were a rebound , as unluckily it often happens when you meet a person who is recently out of a difficult, drama-filled yet important ( they share a chilkd ) relationship. But it does not really matter, what matters is that you proceed on your path to recovery and healing, and feeling whole again.
For that, it may be of some help if you focus on the following :
- the guy is propably a moron, and you dodged a bullet. Why am I saying that ? well, I cannot know for sure , obviously, by my guess is : that the attraction at first, for him was exactly in " getting along beautifully and never fighting " . Ah what a relief : no more arguments. Peace. Quiet. Serenity. Sounds perfect, doesn't it ?
Well, for some people- not really. They get addicted to the adrenaline of confrontations and fights, it excites them even sexually , it makes them feel more alive; if they don't have dramas and ups-and-downs … after a while it's like there's something missing and they get bored. I must say that it's more women , in general, who take being quarrelsome for " being passionate " and get attached to this dysfunctional way of relating; but some men too , in a way, get a big kick out of being in a troubled relationship. If your ex was one of those people, ( which, again, I don't know, but I would not exclude…. ) pfewww.. good riddance.
- You learned a valuable lesson , which too often goes neglected, which is : " On and off " means no relationship. Not a real one, anyway. It's like " mixed signals " , if they are mixed , they aren't signals. People who want to be with you are consistent. Maybe at a lower level of intensity, of romance, of physical passion- but they stay. They don't waver.
In this light, taking him back the first time was a mistake, as confirmed by what then happened.
But now you know and hopefully next time you will take care of avoiding a person who gets tired of you after one mionth… and after one more month gets tired .. of having being tired.
So- chin up, keep doing what you are doing, keep exercising, keep investing on yourself- STOP stalking his social media, and be grateful that, whether you realize it or not, you have accrued precious dating experience which will help you next time in making better choices.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (17 June 2020):
 You should at least give yourself credit for letting go even though moving on has been tough. The breakup is still pretty fresh so it will definitely take some time to heal. I agree with everyone else that has said that you need to stop checking up on him immediately. That's a large part of what's still hurting you. You're torturing yourself by doing that. You need to get to a point where you know and truly believe that you deserve better because you really do. Regardless of what's going on in his life and how happy he may seem, you deserve happiness of your own but as long as you're keeping tabs on him, you won't find your own happiness and you will keep asking yourself why couldn't he be happy with you. That's not fair on you, at all. Give yourself a proper chance to move on. As previously suggested by others; block, block and block again. Remove yourself from his life completely. Stop lurking. It gives you no chance to really move on. You should never compare yourself to anyone else. For this reason, I think that your self esteem may need some rebuilding and your confidence definitely needs a boost. Its good that you're exercising but it may be even better to set a fitness goal as opposed to what you're currently doing; using it as a distraction. The reason why you're breaking down is because you're using positive things negatively. You're turning them into distractions instead of truly doing the work it takes to build yourself up. Cut all contact, block him on all social media accounts, and try speaking to someone who you can vent to whenever the need arises. Get a hobby or do something that you've always wanted to do. Learn to enjoy life again and learn to love yourself again. Your worth does not depend on how someone else sees you. It depends on how you see yourself which is why you need to completely retrain your brain to think of yourself in a positive light.
He honestly sounds like a jerk to me but it's natural for you to still remember all of the good parts and emphasize those. That's usually what most people do after a breakup; remember the good. That does not make you foolish, it makes you human.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 June 2020):
I would also advice that you STOP looking him and her up on social media. Unfriend him, BLOCK his number and then delete it.
People who keep going back to a toxic ex or toxic relationship do it for whatever reason, missing the drama, wanting to keep their little family intact, guilt, regret, family expectations, etc. Him going back to HER is not about you. It's not that you are inferior to the ex, it's more likely that HE feels like HE is NOT good enough for you. He deserves her. A "he made his bed, now he can sleep in it".
He wasn't really READY to date when he first met you. That is why he went back to the ex, after a month. They had unresolved issues (probably still do). But that ONE month made him realize that you were a healthier partner so when things didn't "magically" get fixed with the ex, he came back to you. Obviously, he can recognize healthy. OR she actually KICKED him out again and he needed a place to stay or couldn't handle being alone.
NONE of this is about YOU. I know that sounds trite, but it's the truth. THE only thing that is your "fault" is dating someone who WASN'T over his ex. Who USED you as a rebound and emotional/physical relief. AND who dumped you in the cruelest way possible. THIS isn't a good or healthy guy.
NEVER date someone recently separated or who have JUST left an ex. EVER. NEVER date someone who isn't DONE with a divorce (if married) because they HAVE not finished the process of detaching themselves from the past in most cases, and YOU are more likely to get used or hurt.
Go get a STD/STI check up. That would be #1.
Secondly, CUT him lose, first though all social media/phone ANY way of him contacting you.
Thirdly, KNOW that this wasn't because YOU aren't "good" enough or 'as good" as the ex. This was because he didn't REALLY CARE enough about how this might/may affect you. He used you. Quite simple. Don't give him an opportunity to do that EVER again.
So what to do now? Well, keep the exercising up, keep working hard. Start a journal.
And ACCEPT that this guy? Wasn't the right one for you. You can't date someone who keeps a foot in "each camp".
It IS probably true that he never loved you. THAT doesn't mean YOU aren't loveable. That YOU didn't love. Because YOU went into the relationship with am open heart.
LEARN from this OP. Guys who are FRESHLY out of a relationships/marriage? Nope don't go there.
Guys who paint their ex as mental or psycho or toxic... Nope, don't go there. It's FAR more likely that HE isn't taking responsibility for his own actions and HIS part in the drama. Just like when he broke up with you? He said whatever he KNEW would hurt you before leaving. Maybe, so you could move on, MAYBE because he is a twat who doesn't TREAT women right long term. MAYBE because this guy has more issues than Vanity Fair.
Also, remember that YOU are capable of having a drama free relationship. YOU are a healthy partner. HE isn't.
I know it sucks to be dumped. It's time to brush yourself off and move on. You can do better. He can't, which is why he went back to an ex.
Don't fall for anything this guy says if he tries to reach out. He is full of crock. So block him from contacting you and work on moving on. Journal if you need to. Just don't let this determine who you are or what you are worth as a person.
He CHOSE misery with "the devil he knows" over being with someone new (you). THAT is on his, his loss but really YOUR gain. Because it will LEAVE you open (in a while when you have TRULY let go of this user) to meet a guy WHO is right for you. Who doesn't carry around excess baggage and handles emotions better than this now-ex.
And remember, LEARN from this and don't repeat THE mistake of IGNORING the red flags. It IS a red flag when someone goes back to an ex a month in. It means he isn't OVER that relationship and hasn't worked through it and ISN'T open to a new relationship.
You can DO better.!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 June 2020):
I know its hard, when you really like someone and have strong feelings for them its really difficult when it does not work out, or they leave you for someone else.
I don't think we are ever going to know the the situation he was in with his ex, and whether or not he was with her all along.
Ok you made a mistake and took him back after he claimed all they do is fight and he was only there for his sons sake. I strongly suggest that if this happens again that you be strong and don't go back to him.
I feel if you do you will be the one he fall's back on every time they have an argument, only for him to run back to her when she clicks her fingers.
You are worth more than this, and you can do so much better than this guy, and he knows it.
Time is the healer of all things, and you will get over this. You are doing the right thing by keeping busy with work, and doing a lot of exersise, also perform lots of breathing exersises, and go for walks nature, and keep in contact with friends.
I would delete everything to do with him, phone contacts, facebook etc. Think to your self that you dodged a bullet, and how lucky you are to not have to strung along by him anymore.
Keep doing what you are doing, keep working on yourself and don't be in to much of a rush to jump straight back into another relationship.
Over time things will get better, and you will meet someone who gives you the love that you so rightly deserve.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 June 2020):
It's irrelevant whether he cheated on you or not. What is relevant is that he has chosen to return to the mother of his child. Even if they break up again, they will always have contact because they will always be the child's parents. You now know the only reason he is ever NOT with his ex is because SHE chooses it to be so. As soon as she changes her mind, he is straight back in there. As he will always have contact with her, you now know you could never trust him.
What is stopping you moving on? Checking up on him all the time will not be helping, that's for sure. You know you can't trust him so you would not make the mistake of taking him back again (I hope). He is now part of your past. I believe the universe sends us people to teach us lessons. If you didn't learn your lesson the first time, he will come back into your life so you can take the lesson again. Be strong, understand he was not for you and move on. You deserve a lot better.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (17 June 2020):
Stop checking on him on social media. You are just prolonging your pain. He has moved on and it's none of your business what he's doing. You are just hurting yourself by checking on him.
You have only been with him for less than a year. He and the mother of his son have a lot more shared history than you two. Leave them to it. He is not the one for you regardless of how good a match you may think you are.
Ex partners are usually that for a reason so they will probably break up again. For your own sake, block him before he contacts you again. You now know you will always be his consolation prize. You deserve to be someone's No 1.
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