A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:i have been talking to two people but not in a romantic way , I have never really interested in potential romances and im glad im not . ive never spoken to them in person , I just know them both from school .Ive never had the confidence to meet someone in person when ive never spoken to them but this time im thinking of spending time with them and just wanting advice on what to talk about and how to deal with anxiety and nerves.my freindships have never been great and sometimes I thinking you have to do something out of your comfort zone to meet people and have potential friends and im fine with conversation through text as im assuming most people are but in person I feel so nervous and boring and just cant do small talk .shall I meet them ? it would be separately as they don't know each other what should I talk about ?how can you tell if you really wanna do something or is I just me thinking I need to meet them as opposed to wanting to ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2020): If you are nervous about small talk, try to think of some questions that you would like to ask the other person. Ask questions that you would like to know about them, or ask them something that will take more than a one word answer.
Some ideas: have they travelled anywhere (or do they want to), or have they lived/grew up somewhere else? Ask them where and what they liked about that place, or what they did there that was fun.
Do they have any pets or have they had any jobs as kids or young adults and how did they like those?
What are they studying at school (if you don't already know) and what do they plan to do once they have their degree?
Next, try to be open and share with them your own anecdotes. You say you feel like you are boring, but everyone has adventures, even if just little ones. You have your own unique experiences that your new friends may find interesting too.
Finally, try to do things with these new friends that will allow you to build experiences together. This is how your friendships can grow and develop long term. This does not have to be all in one meeting, of course. Ideally you will try to see them in person on a regular basis, so that you can get comfortable with each other's company, and see if you really like to spend time together, and then start to build on those shared experiences. Start for a couple short meetings over a meal or some shared interest, and then longer and more often. Soon enough you will have a new friend!
I hope you can keep us posted on your progress.
Best
R
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 June 2020):
 First of all, a great big "well done" for trying to do something outside your comfort zone. Take it steady though, one baby step at a time, otherwise you will feel overwhelmed.
If these are people you know from school, once this Covid stuff is over, suggest meeting up for coffee and a catch-up. This will keep it "short but sweet". There will be less time to run out of conversation and, if things do turn out to be awkward (no reason they should), you only have to stay for an hour or so.
Most people like it when someone shows interest in them so think of lots of things you can ask them about themselves and their life. Do they remember so and so from school? What was their favourite subject at school? Favourite teacher? What is their job? Do they like it? Did they envisage themselves doing what they are doing? Do they have dreams/ambitions to do something else? Are they in contact with anyone from school?
What is YOUR passion? When people are passionate about something, it usually comes across when they are telling others about it.
At the end, if you feel you do not want to repeat the experience, thank the other person by saying something like "Well, it's been lovely seeing you. I'm glad we had this catch up." and leave it at that. If you decide you would like to seem them again, say something like, "I have really enjoyed this. I do hope we can do it again sometime soon."
Good luck. Hope it goes well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): I meant to say:
"If you have anxiety disorder, or you're naturally a nervous-person; just repeat affirmations to yourself that "you can do this, and it's no big deal!"
"You will not always agree, you won't always see eye-to-eye; but if it's real friendship, it will endure the wear and tear."
"For some people, their friendships and relationships have become strained; but I'm a Christian."
Always remember. The good thing about friends is that YOU get to "choose" them. If it turns-out they don't like you, the world is far too populated with other people who probably will! All you have to do, is keep searching until you find them! Be patient, receptive, and friendly; and they will find their way to you!
I wish you the best, sweetheart!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): You are overthinking everything; and you're a little bundle of nerves.
Making friends is not that complicated. You are you, and they are who they are. It helps when you "friendly-up" to people who make you feel at-ease. In the case where you've only chatted online, but have never met; ask them to suggest a place they'd like to meet. If you have anxiety disorder, or you're a naturally a nervous-person; just repeat affirmations to yourself that "you can do this, and it's no big deal!" Because it is no big deal! They'd be fortunate to know you; and it's just as important that you should like them!
In every case, whether you're extroverted or shy; it's a hit or miss proposition whether you will hit it off and proceed to connect in friendship. That's what the meeting is all about. Feeling each other out, testing the vibe, and introducing yourself on a more personal level.
Don't worry about what to talk about. You'll find conversation when you get together. Good conversation is spontaneous, and springs from having a good-vibe around someone you've just met. You play as you go, meaning you go with the flow! If you're not good at initiating conversations, allow them to take lead. Once you feel comfortable, you'll start to open-up, and the pressure is off!
It's not always as complicated as stepping out of your comfort-zone; the point is to find common-ground and points of common-interests.
Believe it or not, sometimes opposites get along just fine; because the stimulation comes from seeing things at different perspectives. Trust me, some of my friends are nothing like me; or the other friends I have. They don't share everything in-common, but they are interesting, different, fun, and they make me see things from more than one standpoint. By offering me ideas and facts that I may otherwise never venture to understand, or merely overlook. It brings growth and enlightenment. We have a divisive atmosphere and racist environment here in the States. We have elected-officials who prey on the weaknesses and worst things they can use in people. Friendships and relationships have become strained; but I'm a Christian. I trust in God, and don't allow such things to hinder my progress; or affect my good-relationships. I pray over them to protect and preserve them. I avoid trouble-makers and resist allowing myself to being persuaded to be hateful and intolerant.
You never know who will risk life and limb to pull you out of a burning car, or may give you aid during a catastrophe.
Dive-in with both feet. Sink or swim. Don't let anxiety create unfounded or frightening scenarios that may never occur; while you envision all sorts of awkward or scary moments that "might" happen. You can't see into the future; so stop letting anxiety create scenes in your mind that lean towards the negative. Let optimism carry you along, and what happens will happen. You work with what you've got. You may develop more and learn more when you meet the right people. A good friendship helps you to grow, it gives you peace, and it helps you to develop into a better person. If it doesn't, it is probably dragging you down. You will not always, you won't always see eye-to-eye; but if it's real friendship, it will endure the wear and tear. They'll stick by you through thick and thin. They'll forgive you for your mistakes, and make it easy for you to do the same.
Worrying about being liked has become the prevailing issue in your mind. Whatever conditioning brought this on, you've got to overcome and grow out of. Don't look to others for approval and validation; seek friendship and companionship, and everything else falls into place. If it doesn't workout with this particular set of people, keep trying. You've got an endless supply of people to choose and select from! Eventually, you'll find people who get you, who enjoy your company; and like you for being yourself. If they don't, you must never fret about it; you just move on, and stay visible and receptive to friendliness. One failure does not mean all others will fail!
Anxiety and/or shyness will overrule you; if you don't figure-out to take control over these feelings. People submit and give-into their fears too easily; because they dread rejection or they feel are unable to impress others.
Rejection happens to everybody...REPEAT...EVERYBODY! Wealth and beauty won't guarantee everyone will love you, and being the smartest of all won't guarantee you friends. It's taking a chance, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to test people for their receptiveness; and while also demanding their respect and kindness to be a prerequisite to taking things beyond an introduction. Use your judgement and discernment; while standing by your values and beliefs. If these things meld and you get along, you've hit the jackpot!
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