A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My heart hurts.A few years ago I came out of a very difficult relationship with an addict disillusioned with the idea of relationships in general. I pulled myself together to the point where I was enjoying life to the fullest, but had no faith in or want to be in a relationship.Then I met a woman, who was charming and beautiful, and we took it slow, became great friends. She was quirky and "out of the box" and to an extent, made me chase her. Over time we grew closer, and became in reality a couple. But I was still very avoidant. I didn't want to label it and I didn't want her to consume my life. I had done that before and I didn't want to "lose myself" to her or the relationship.Time went by, and she was in love with me, she tried as she could to get me to take on my full role in a romantic relationship. Get me to treat her the way I would normally any romantic partner.I was always her best friend, I was always there for her, I always helped her with anything she asked, but I stopped at doing the romantic gestures I would normally love doing for my partner. Taking her out, buying her gifts, romancing her, telling her I love her, all things I love doing for the person I love. Because of my own fears from having given myself fully before and been left empty.After a year and some of this I had to temporarily move for a job to a different country and felt the distance would do me good.In the end, she grew tired of my non commitment. She unilaterally decided we should no longer see ourselves as a couple, but also that as her best friend she didn't want to lose me. Nor did I want to lose her I admitted and I didn't object to not being a couple. So it was decided we would from then on be single people but still friends.A month or two later, in my solitude in a different country I had a change of heart. I realised I was bonded to her and that I didn't want to be without her. At this point she had gone to a third country to get some time off and, presumably, get over me, though we were still talking almost every day.As soon as my job placement was over and I was able to I flew there to see her, spend time with her and hopefully patch things up and reunite. It didn't go that way. We had a few days together that started off amicably, but it soon became clear to me that she didn't want to start things up with me again.She flew back to our home country and I remained. Covid hit and, four months later, I'm still here. The way we left things no doors had been fully shut, so I kept hope in my heart. We still talk every day or every few days. She knows how I feel.Today we had a talk in which she told/admitted to me that she is excited to see a couple of men she had met during that period in which we were separated, as soon as the world's situation would allow people to travel again.Other people, flirting or having had sex with other people was never an issue between us. Even if neither one of us was actually doing so. Our friendship and bond was about something more than that. I knew that she had, to some extent, taken advantage of our "we were on a break" situation. I myself have flirted with that too since we've been apart, but I realise that my heart belongs to her. I don't want to involve myself with other women because I can't, my heart doesn't want it. So the idea that she would be more excited to see those other men (boys) than me hurts.I want to feel as special to her as she does to me.I want to feel as special to someone as they do to me.I need to give her up.But I don't want to.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2020): OP here. Thank you @youcannotbeserious, very wise words and so painfully true. I have been living with the truth of my mistake for the past few months. I am honest about my feelings for her and she knows my desire but I also respect her, her feelings and decision so I am neither clingy or needy about it. We are able to have rational adult talks about most things and this is not the only thing we have going between us or talk about. We are and always have been friends first.
My hope has been born from her wanting to keep me in her life, to this day telling me I am one of the most important people in her life and that she doesn't want to lose me. But seemingly, only as her loyal friend which I am not sure I am able to be any longer while I feel this way if I am to be able to move on myself.
I'm just not in a mental or emotional state where I feel like moving on, this still feels important. I've had plenty of slip ups and failures in my life, had to move on and start over plenty of times, not just romantically. At 42 it's just time I want something to stick, to last, to not have to begin over all the time.
Some of my best periods have been when I have been single and free to by myself completely. Without a doubt, I can and will have that again when I move on. Despite my heartache I live a truly blessed life and enjoy it every day. Having her by my side would just make it all the sweeter.
If I got a second chance I would grasp it with both hands and she would see a different version of me. I know who and how I am when I have committed fully to something.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 June 2020):
 If ever there was a story which served to prove the point that, if you don't heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn't cut you, it's this one. Your "friend" hung in there for long enough but you were unwilling and/or unable to give her what she wanted. Now the tables have turned and you are getting a taste of your own medicine.
I was in a similar situation when I was in my 30s. I dated a guy who was recently divorced, whose marriage had ended very badly. We went out for about 12 months, during which time, although he treated me well and we shared some times I cherish to this day, he often casually told me he would never love anyone again and would "jokingly" sing along to Meatloaf's song "Two out of three", which included the lines "I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, but don't be sad coz two out of three ain't bad". I woke up one day and thought "I deserve more" so I wished him all the best and finished the relationship. Next day he phoned me to tell me that, for the first time, he had woken up and his first thought had been about me, not his ex wife. He cried, apologized and said my leaving him had made him realize he DID love me. Sadly, it was too little too late and I stuck to my guns and refused to rekindle the relationship. What I am trying to say to you is that, once people reach that "breaking point", they seldom go back. It usually takes a lot to reach that point, a lot of hurt, a lot of disappointment. Once that point is reached, there is often no going back.
You say your heart belong to her but her heart belonged to you for long enough and you refused to accept it. She has moved on and there is no saying she will ever come back. If she does, then you need to realize how lucky you are and grasp the second chance with both hands and with no reservations.
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