A
female
age
26-29,
*knownShadow
writes:My boyfriend just recently told me he had a dark secret. It took me hours to convince him to tell me. After I broke through to him he told me he molested his sister when he was about 11 or 12 and she was 8. He paid her money to give him blowjobs and handjobs. Not sex. I am now very disturbed with this information. I have been sexually active with him but not sex! Now I can't find myself going down on him because the thought of his sister being there before me causes so much disgust. I am in love with him. I am :) But I don't know what to do with this situation. He told me to not tell anyone and if I did and he found out he'd kill himself. I have already told 5 people because I needed advice but all they did was say break up with him which is something I'm not willing to do. So what should I do with this relationship? It's weird cause I know his sister and they look soooo much alike. And it's just disturbing. What can I do to make this relationship keep working without me having to remember this horrible thing?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Thank you for the update. It's very clear that you are not taking on board the advice you are receiving here. You can't fix him. He needs professional help. His sister needs professional help. So do you. Go tell an adult.
Take care.
A
female
reader, UknownShadow +, writes (29 April 2010):
UknownShadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't care much for the sexual stuff.
I want to help him without him getting really mad at me.
I know its horrible what he did but I love him how he is and nothing can change that unless he cheats duh :P
But I want to help him not hate his life, not hate his sister or his family or everything!
Somehow he still doesn't hate me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2010):
Assuming we have some parents in the picture who actually care and want to help their children, it's time for the poster to talk to her parents. She can also talk to her own school counselor, it doesn't have to be his school counselor.
It's too much for a young teen to handle or be responsible for, so I think the only reasonable course here is to tell. To tell her parents, his parents or her school counselor. Anything else is just compounding the problem. And if this story is true, there's a young child who may need intensive therapy NOW.
Sorry, honey, but you're not grown up enough to handle this. If you were, you wouldn't be here posting asking for advice. So go ask for help.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, UknownShadow +, writes (28 April 2010):
UknownShadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell me and him go to different schools.
So I dint know if my school councelers will be able to help him.
I just want him to stop hating his life and stop
hitting his sister which is another thing he does...
I feel like I could get hit by him if I get him mad enough.
And I will fight back I just know it and I don't want to hurt Jim or our relationship...
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (28 April 2010):
 Well, q, I don't know if we can infer he has no regret from this post. A sociopath is one who can't empathize with others. In my mind, this has been tearing him apart, and he needed to tell someone. Now, the OP is the one who is only thinking of herself. Her question in this was not "How do I help him?", it was "How can I forget about it so I can keep doing sexual activity?"
I think everyone in this story needs some counseling. The OP just for knowing this and carrying it around, but not a lot. The boyfriend obviously because he could be pretty dang messed up from this. And the sister because before it's too late she could actually be repaired before any mental damage is done (By now she is 10-13, with any luck she still might not grasp what has been done).
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (28 April 2010):
Hon I don't think this is just about your relationship anymore. This is a little bit deeper than that. If he has help, he will not kill himself. You need to talk to an adult and tell them everything, preferably your counselor at school. But also tell them that he said he would kill himself. They are trained to know what to do in those situations! Please help them get help before it's too late!
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A
female
reader, ChristineAvril  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 I bet I will get flamed for this, but with respect most answers seem like an over-reaction.
Think about what was said; he PAID his sister to do these things, not forced her, at an age when he was young and inquisitive. Not a big crime, and I'm sorry to disagree directly with Red Green, but a hand/blow job is NOT sex - ask Bill Clinton!
It has left him with a sense of guilt which he needed to share with the OP, and therefoe suggests he might need counselling, but in the first instance I think the OP should step back and take a more prosaic view of this; persude him that it was a foolish but understandable act between two young people - one to satisfy his curiosity after seeing things on screen and the other for financial gain.
Look at this dispassionately and put it behind you: you love him, so follow your heart.......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): You asked if it will affect him in the future. Yes it will. More so if he doesnt get help via counselling. He should speak to his sister and make sure she gets any help she needs too. You sound very caring and im sure your heart is the the right place. But theres a huge problem there that goes way beyond your inability to give him a blow job. Thats not the issue here. Him and his sister getting help is the important thing or it will affect their lives for many years. You need to be wise and look at the big picture. If the news has affected how you feel. Imagine how his sister must feel. Hes done something very wrong to a younger member of his family. Someone he should have been protecting not abusing. He owes her a huge apology and help. Thats far more important than sexual difficulties you are having with him at the moment.
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A
female
reader, UknownShadow +, writes (28 April 2010):
UknownShadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he is a bit messed up. He hates his life and is a downer.He told me he was just curious about what people in porn do since he was exposed to it at age 11.He said he was desperate and curious so he did it with his sister.He hasn't done again I'm guess but he said it happened a lot.I told him I loved him and it's true... I'm not leaving him for a stupid mistake he made when he was 11 and curious just it's disturbing knowing he did that with his sister... But if I told ANYONE he'd kill himself I don't want that :/
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (28 April 2010):
Hello --- First, a blow job is sex! SO he had sex with his sister. This is not normal behavior and you need to let this guy go- he's not capable of having a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): This guy is not well. He has no empathy. A normal person wants to protect their family not harm them. If he is capable of doing that to his own sister (I can't even imagine the serious repurcussions this has and will continue to have on her mental health) he is capable of anything. A big brother is supposed to look out for his little sister and an 11 year old is old enough to know and care about the difference between right and wrong. The fact that he would harm her in that way is beyond sick. This man is extremely disturbed and you are not going to be immune to it either.
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (28 April 2010):
They both need counseling. Honestly, he's probably not that messed up. Around that time, a lot of guys get curious about down there, and they don't know what to do with it. Problem with him was he DID know what to do, but didn't know boundaries. He's probably more messed up now just because his past his haunting him. But, he did let it out, and that is a huge step. I would encourage you to talk to an ADULT not just one of your friends. She is also probably pretty messed up from this, if she understands it yet. It could be too early still for her to fully grasp it.
I really want to know how this goes. My heart goes out to both of them, this is a horrifying situation. Please keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): you are still young,when we were 15 we thought we were in love to. You need to understand that your boyfriends behavouir is not normal and he needs some medical attention. Him telling his girlfriend that he molested his sister is very disturbing and for you to stay with him is even more disturbing. You need to leave your boyfriend and tell someone so someone can help him. leave your boyfriend and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): This is a really big issue- as I'm sure you know- and it should be handled by professionals. For his sake, his sister's sake, and your sake-- you should talk to your guidance counsellor and report him so that you can all get the professional help you need so that you can all move past this. He may be upset at first, but in the long run you will all see that it was best to start working towards a solution to move on. In the end-he will thank you and you will have a chance to evaluate your relationship's future.
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A
female
reader, UknownShadow +, writes (28 April 2010):
UknownShadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really love him put this was in the past, I don't know if this will affect you in the future?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Its rather a lot for you to deal with. What he did was wrong and will impact on his life indefinately. Not to mention his sisters life. It will be very difficult to look at him in the same way now. It might be worth suggesting he goes to counselling. You could even go too. As for his sister. You have to protect her privacy. She may have her own reasons for not wanting others to know what happened to her so apply caution when you are discussing their business. His sister may need help to recover from the abuse. If you speak to her as a friend, ask if she needs someone to talk to. What your boyfriend did is naturally going to make it hard for you to overlook. Your friends could be right and breaking up might be something you find yourself considering sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (28 April 2010):
You said that you're not willing to break up with him, what else do you want us to tell you? You really want us to give you "tips" on how you can get over being disgusted at the fact that your boyfriend molested his own sister? It's just as disgusting that you want to stay with him knowing this. Seriously, I wish you the best because you really need a clue.
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